Authenticity and Moving Forward (Comparing Men to Mud)
Photo by Aislinn Bailey.
I am suddenly living my life “in the open.” But that’s not quite the right analogy.
Queen of Metaphors that I am, I am still searching for the best way to describe this new shift in my life toward even more brutal authenticity of emotion. For several years now, I’ve allowed honeysuckle and roses to climb trellises around the front of my house and hide much of my home and home life. I hired Earl last week to clear out the overgrown mess I’ve been working on for several months. He, with the right equipment, pulverized it in a single day. It’s the strangest feeling, looking now at my house and how much bigger it and the yards seem—almost like life itself is bigger. It’s so much more…open. There’s nothing to hide behind, and I now have room to plant exotic new treats here and there. My life feels a bit like that now, like there’s an openness that wasn’t there before and I can fill it with whatever fanciful things I want, or just let the me that was cloaked before shine through.
It’s ironic that at the same time I feel this new sense of openness, I am closing off much of my private life to others. I’ve closed down my personal blog and my details of daily life. My journaling helped me through some awful times and helped both me and many others, but that part of my life is done for now. I can put aside the silliness of grown women who misinterpret my life from many miles away and leave MySpace pages dedicated to trying to hurt me…that I don’t find for a year or more. My holier-than-thou relatives will have to go back to talking to me to know what’s happening in my life. My journals were never for them anyway.
It seems incongruous that I would feel suddenly “in the open” at the same time I’m no longer openly sharing my life, but I understand what this is about. I rarely have to work through personal tragedies like I used to and I’m keeping my personal blessings in a tighter circle now, not intruded upon by those who might pass judgment without knowing me…or with knowing me. At the same time, I’m more authentic in my emotions. I realize that some people in my life might not be comfortable with my feelings, but they’re mine and mine to deal with. I don’t try to hide or explain away my feelings any longer. I am letting those feelings remain “out in the open.” Honest, raw at times, real….
Thank you for reading! The complete version of this article is now included in Give Your Life Direction.