The Hard Truth of Letting People Be Who They Are
Copyrighted by Lorna Tedder. Originally published in Third Degree of Contrast.
Like many people, I like learning about myselfâ€”and why I am the Â way I amâ€”through Â personality Â tests, including astrology. Â Iâ€™m stunned to discoverÂ that, contrary to what I thought, Â I really am not that good at Â letting people be who they are.
WARNING: Â ASTRO-GEEKÂ Â STUFF Â BUT Â VERY COOL: I have some pretty unusual stuff in my astrology chart (posted above with Â current scary transits and yes, Uranusâ€™ transit over my 12th house stellium of planets in recent Â years, Â then Â ascendant Â in Â 2004, Â then Â Chiron Â the Wounded Â Healer Â in Â 2005, Â and Â now Â Sun Â are Â definitely bringing out the me whoâ€™s been obscured and makes me kinda Â nervous Â about Â the Â upcoming Â transit, Â across Â Venus…). The unusual stuff includes having my first house Sun (personality) Â and Chiron on my Ascendant in Pisces opposing my Â Seventh Â House Â Pluto, Â Psyche Â (love Â nature) and Lilith Â (darker Â issues)in Virgo with Pluto (the transformer) and Psyche Â conjunct Â at almost the same degree (eek!). And both squaring my mid-heaven. Yes, yes, I play with energy. Howâ€™d you guess? These Â positions tend to mean that most of my changes Â come through Â relationships (7th house) where Pluto (the transformer) resides conjunct Psyche. The opposition has the effect of pulling me in two directions, lots of power struggles at a younger age and the tendency Â to attract powerful opposition but not give in the fight (tenacious). I tend to be a reformer and rebuilder, Â often working Â with power but never for the sake of power alone, and usually through change and transformation. Â This is a Â big part of who I am and my mission in lifeâ€”change the world and all Â thatâ€”and explains many of my jobs and projects where Iâ€™ve literally been the revolutionary Â and the guinea pig and set new precedents Â others Â calledÂ too Â risky. Â And Â man, Â that Â was fun!
But being the one who takes the arrows by being out front with new processes and weird ideas can be hard at times, too. If I want an easier life, itâ€™s suggested that instead of changing things, specifically if itâ€™s people I want to change, I should just let them be what and who they are.
That part startled me. Because Iâ€™ve always thought of myself Â as Â someone Â who Â lets Â people Â be Â who Â they Â are. Downtrodden? Unique? Different from the pack? Iâ€™m the most tolerant and even encouraging Â person youâ€™ve ever met. Be different! Go for it! If youâ€™re a visionary, Iâ€™m extremely supportive. I want you to be who you areâ€”so many people Â seem to be against you and want to hang with the status quo. I donâ€™t want people to change for me. Hmmm, or do I? In my perfect world, we all let people be who they are, and yet I have a really hard time with some people and I really do want to change their minds and change them. Iâ€™m limited in the type of people I feel this way about though. One Â is the religiousÂ or political zealot whose one way is the only possible way you can get to heaven or America or wherever you should want to go. I Â canâ€™t abideÂ narrow-mindedness, Â so yes, I really Â donâ€™t want those people to be as they are. Iâ€™m surprised but Iâ€™ll admit it.
And then thereâ€™s the other type of person, Â too. Or maybe not. Itâ€™s really the same mold, just applied at a different level.
The most recent example, after thinking about how I might find life easier if I just let people be who they are, came when I discovered some new posts from a member of another online community Â where I was Â viciously Â attacked when I answered a question several months ago.
And I Â do Â mean Â viciously. Â It Â was Â a Â personal Â question based Â on Â myÂ Â own Â experiences, Â as Â Iâ€™d Â stated, Â and Â a stranger intruded to tell me thatâ€™s not what happened at all in my life and give his opinion on matters he had not witnessed. He made some very bold and very Â incorrect assumptions. When I took exception, Â his attack turned extremely personal. Because he decided to attack everything I said after that and people stopped posting out of fear of a similar attack on them, I left the community for one that wasnâ€™t so fearful.
I happened across a new community where he (out of dozens of people who had responded positively) jumped all over another woman whoâ€™d asked a question about a personal issue in her career. He made assumptions, some in direct conflict with what sheâ€™d stated factually. Â It was mean, downright cruel, what he said to her. She took exception, reminded him of the facts sheâ€™d stated and asked why he assumed what he did, to which he responded with an attack on her appearance Â and Â maturity Â (okay, heâ€™s a psychiatrist, Â and not the same one who was Â asking me out for a while but there are some similarities). Â I noted several Â other attacks heâ€™d made online and realized that he really enjoys baiting people and then saying, Iâ€™m a psychiatrist and therefore Â I know what Â you Â were probably thinking and you donâ€™t. Really.
Ah. So it wasnâ€™t just me, even though Iâ€™d not seen him attack anyone before me. Itâ€™s just the way he is.
And thatâ€™s the hardest part for me in letting people simply be who they areâ€¦.