Changing What I Want and Thankful to Do So
Copyrighted by Lorna Tedder. Originally published in Third Degree Below.
With this year’s Thanksgiving, I’m changing what I want, but I’m thankful that the time in between has given me a chance to know better what I want for the longterm. Not that that’s been easy, but over the past couple of years, I have in fact gotten exactly what I asked for on many different levels.
But I’ve still been living a lot of that Christian mentality I was raised with and that simply took another form in the Wiccan religion. It goes back to the idea of selflessness, of asking nothing in return. And when the Law of Attraction kicks in, if you expect nothing, then the expectation of nothing attracts…nothing and the expectation of more nothing.
Tonight, while the girls were with their dad, I edited some essays I’d written two years ago when I’d felt the future was a little scary but still bright and free, and then something I’d written a year ago that had a much different, much sadder focus tone, sounding much like I’d given up.
The first one talked about the world opening up and all the good things I expected and knew were going to happen. The things I wrote about, that I was actively pulling toward me, were in fact just starting to show up in the physical when I started doubting everything and hit a brick wall with a few of them.
But in reading about my excitement and happiness for the life I was creating, I found myself in that moment of joy all over again when I could hardly wait. From a Law of Attraction standpoint, I was definitely pulling to me the kinds of things I wanted in my life. It was working so well that a close friend told me how incredibly jealous she felt that I was getting the good stuff without doing what she considered to be “paying my dues.”
Good things don’t happen quickly, I was told. And I heard all those ingrained mantras like, “Good things come to he who waits.” Though I also remember in January of 2005 when several people on the Ouija board at Kat’s delivered some very personal and embarrassing information about me that I had not divulged to anyone there and then said of me, she has waited: one is ready. But all I kept hearing was “Be patient” and “Wait” and “Slow down.” In regard to pretty much everything.
The second thing I edited tonight, I read from a Law of Attraction viewpoint and it tore my heart out. One tiny example:
….Yeah, I’d love to think it’s [insert wonderful thing here]. But I refuse to think too much about it, refuse to get my hopes up. We’ve been down that road too many times before….Though I may wish for it and I may hope for it, I ask for nothing in return….
I expected nothing in return, and what I got was nothing. I expected to wait. I expected to pay my dues. I expected to have to be patient. I didn’t get my hopes up. I didn’t expect too much. I got the nothing and the wait and endurance I expected. Every now and then, I’d break free of that and something amazing would happen, but then I’d be convinced that it wasn’t what I thought.
I don’t have many regrets in my life, but I do regret not listening to my heart, or rather, hearing it but not trusting it. It took me a solid year-and-a-half to feel as sure of certain things again as I did when I wrote the first essay I edited tonight. It was something I really lost my faith about because I wasn’t doing it the way I “should.”
So this Thanksgiving, I am reclaiming that giddy mindset of two years ago. I did get so many of the things I wanted.
I wanted to meet new people and learn new spiritual tools. I wanted to know I could make it on my own. I wanted to know exactly who my friends were. I wanted a great relationship with my kids. I wanted my home to reflect me. I wanted lots of new and unusual experiences that I could learn from and use to teach others. I wanted to get really good at astrology and Tarot and understand my spiritual gifts. I wanted to write more and get back my love of writing. I wanted to produce many more books.
On the romantic front, I asked for a man with integrity, one I could grow with and learn from and who would help me heal my wounds, and would “get me” and understand my creative side and my books and be supportive of me, a man unlike any I’d ever known before.
I asked for my job to be less stressful and my home to be more of a place of both sanctuary and social gatherings, and I asked for the dam of creativity to burst open for me, and most of all, I asked for joy!
I’m still good with all those things I asked for, but it occurred to me tonight that I have changed my mind about what I’d asked for in regard to a romantic partner coming into my life. I’d asked for something undefined. I’ve been very specific that I wanted a relationship that was undefined. I didn’t want anything that was typical or expected or fit anybody else’s rules. And that’s exactly what I’ve gotten!
But as I decide what things I want to attract into my
life now and next, that is a change for me. “Undefined” has served its purpose and been a good thing for me, but I’m ready now for “defined.” Yes, for me to have a relationship that does indeed have definition. Still maybe not the way anyone else does, but yes, “defined.” And I’ll agree that “a wild ride” is no longer what I’m looking for in a relationship. I’ve had enough of emotional rollercoasters. I think my emotions are all fully engaged now after the try-out they’ve had. Instead of calling in a wild ride (unless that’s, um, physically!), I’m ready now for an exciting but beautiful journey.
On the wall of the hall leading to my bedroom are four framed pictures of different types of crosses and various scripture I like. I bought these many months ago because they really spoke to me. Now, they speak even louder:
All things are possible if you believe. — Mark 9:23
Create in me a pure heart and renew a steadfast spirit within me. — Psalm 51:10
Faith is being sure of what you hope for and certain of what you cannot see. —Hebrews 11:1
Ask and it will be given; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened. —Matthew 7:7