Defy Your Past
Copyrighted by Lorna Tedder. Originally published in Third Degree of Truth.
Like attracts like. Thereâ€™s something Â about an energy thatâ€™s put out by others that our antennae pick up on and weâ€™re drawn in. Some similarity. Some…reflection.
After my Â divorce, Â it Â seemed Â every Â other Â person Â I talked to was dealing with verbal abuse and didnâ€™t know what it was. Some people might say that I was aware of it and looking for it, but itâ€™s more than that. Â People came out of the woodwork to find me and tell me their storiesâ€”without knowing mine.
Iâ€™ve seen this in other examples, Â as well. The former abused wife who sat alone at an airport and a stranger sat beside her Â and Â began Â to pour out her heart about Â her husbandâ€™s crueltyâ€”the third Â time in a week the former victim had this happen. The woman whoâ€™d Â recently re- covered from a serious illness, only to share a taxi with a woman whoâ€™d just been diagnosed and was sorely in need of a personal opinion from someone whoâ€™d been thereâ€” the second time in one day.
A work friend cried on my shoulder Â today. Sheâ€™s recently out of Â an abusive, Â long-term Â marriage, Â newly Â in love, and doesnâ€™t really trust anything Â sheâ€™s doing. After an earlier conversation got cut short, I sent her a message on her Crackberry Â and found the words resonating, Â al- most as if my Higher Self were giving me a good talking- to!
Hereâ€™s what I said:
No, hon, you are not fucked up. You are not fucked up just Â because youâ€™re afraid this new man in your life will see the real you, realize how much you care for him, then drive you to your knees, and walk away.
Thatâ€™s not this new guy. Thatâ€™s attachments to men in your past. Thatâ€™s just programming. Â Thatâ€™s whatâ€™s always happened. Itâ€™s Â the only way you know for things to be. Since itâ€™s all you know, itâ€™s what you expect.
Itâ€™s said that weâ€™re creatures of habitâ€”well, weâ€™re certainly creatures Â of patterns. Â Remember Â those psychologistsâ€”BF Â Skinner, Â and others, tooâ€”who Â used Â to give critters electrical shocks to make them eat or not eat or teach them to peck or touch a bar or to turn around three times to make Â something Â happen? Itâ€™s like that. Conditioning. Â And I firmly believe Â that being conditioned Â to think Â about Â things Â in Â a Â limited Â way Â will Â mandate Â low manifestations of your possibilities.
You canâ€™t Â go Â from Â such Â long-term Â conditioning Â in your lifeâ€”decades of itâ€”to a clean slate overnight. It will take time to re-program. But to reprogram, you also need to know what you want to reprogram into. Thatâ€™s where having a plan or a vision is so important. That may mean cutting out pics from magazines of the home you want or writing a story with the hero in it that you want for your- self (overtly making yourselves the hero and heroine and really living happily ever after (HEA)). Hmmm, actually, writing the HEA after-story, not the conflicts of getting there!
But get a good visual on what you want your future to look like. Â Daydreaming Â is very Â important! Â It opens Â up possibilities beyond your Â established Â patterns and raises the level of manifesting.
What do Â you Â mean, Â youâ€™re Â not Â sure Â how Â he Â feels about you? Â Youâ€™ve Â told Â me Â in several Â emails Â that Â you were sure. You Â felt it. You havenâ€™t Â gotten Â a follow-up confirmation in the physical (thatâ€™s what we expect right? Patterns? Because the last guys, even if they were bad for us, said it the right words and maybe said it often?).
But because you didnâ€™t get a follow-up confirmation, now youâ€™re second guessing yourself. Must be a reason he hasnâ€™t said the right words or said he loves you.
Must be you. You must have misunderstood. Â Or he must be playing you.
Couldnâ€™t possibly Â be that heâ€™s shy or maybe Â a little submissive Â or Â terrified Â that Â you Â wonâ€™t Â reciprocateÂ Â or doesnâ€™t understand the depth of his own emotion. Nope, gotta be you, unworthy you.
Making you dinner when heâ€™s feeling like crap, giving you foot Â rubs Â during Â your favorite Â movie, Â and treating you like a queen doesnâ€™t count. Gotta be those 3 words because thatâ€™s what weâ€™re conditioned to. Â If the pattern weâ€™re used to isnâ€™t happening (even though what IS happening may be much, much better), then weâ€™ve failed and weâ€™d better look for something else. For someone else.
And how many times now have you said that youâ€™ll just enjoy this for now because it canâ€™t last but even when your heartâ€™s broken, it will have been worth it?
Stop with the â€œif my heart gets brokenâ€ bit. Yes, thatâ€™s a possibility. It always is. It always was.
But this is your self-protection Â mechanism kicking in.
Lowering Â your Â standards Â for Â yourself. Â LoweringÂ Â the manifestations to something else.
Itâ€™s my mother always telling me not to get my hopes up so I wouldnâ€™t be hurt when things didnâ€™t work out. Itâ€™s my Â friends Â telling Â me Â that Â someone Â I Â like Â hasnâ€™t Â responded Â the Â way Â they Â thought Â he Â should Â and Â that Â I should Â forget Â about Â him Â because Â I deserve Â better. Â Itâ€™s umpteen Â people Â telling Â me Â to Â not expect Â anything Â if Â I want anything good to happen.
I know where you are. You are creating expectation of failure. If you Â have that mindset, Â you will do things to sabotage yourself. You are telling yourself itâ€™s too good to be true, too good to last, and creating a future for your- self where youâ€™ll be alone and sad about it but strong and okay.
How about being strong and okay and in love everyday with someone who returns that love? Whatâ€™s so bad about it staying sweet? Or about it maturing into some- thing enduring and real? Maybe you choose to move on to Â someone Â else Â and Â itâ€™s Â his Â heart Â thatâ€™s Â broken, Â not yours. Maybe you two are together for the rest of Â your lives.
But if youâ€™re looking for reasons/ways for it not to work or for it not to be real, youâ€™ll find them and most of the people around you will be happy to assist you in finding that emptiness because itâ€™s where they already live.
But stop bringing negative possibilities to yourself. Â Stop reinforcing that this is too good to be true and things will change and youâ€™ll be disappointed or maybe you were just wrong all along. Youâ€™re tying so many concrete blocks to your wings that youâ€™ll never get off the ground with him.
Enjoy him. You both obviously Â care deeply for each other, even if neither of you is saying it to the other in a way that the other understands or knows how to respond to.
Defy your past. Enjoy the possibilities of being with him long-term. Stay open to them.