My daughter posted on her private blog a list of 10 things she wishes she could say but she can’t, for varying reasons, and it made me think about what I wish I could say but I can’t, also for varying reasons. And why I can’t say them.
Many of the important things I need to say to people, I can tell them. That became obvious during this exercise. But the ones I can’t say? Not just ones I can’t say (there are many I can’t, won’t, and don’t care about) but what about the ones I wish I could say but can’t?
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It’s not a matter of a lack of courage. Sometimes it’s a matter of opportunity, as some of the people I’d like to say things to aren’t in my life anymore and I have no idea where they are now. Sometimes it’s fear that by confronting someone now, their frail health will be upset. Mostly, it’s an effect of emotion. Either I know how much the words will hurt or be denied or what they’ll stir up in someone else or especially in me when I try to choke them out. That’s an intensity in myself that I fear, and probably makes most people glad I’m not telekinetic a la “Carrie.”
My list is longer than my daughter’s, but I’ve lived longer and had more things to go unsaid. So here they are, without naming names, and intentionally in no particular order of importance or chronology:
- I thought you were the greatest boss in the world…
Some of these, I may eventually get to say when/if I see the person again, but most I can’t say because they’re heavier emotions to deal with and they have consequences not just for me.
And for most of them, they’re better left unsaid.
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