A Sexual Revolution of My Own
See Book Recommendation at end of article!
My own personal sexual revolution did not arrive with a fanfareof one-night stands or birth control prescriptions or discreetly wrapped sex toys delivered via UPS. It crept up quietly as, in the wake of my divorce, I had a few surprises pointed out to me about myself that I had not realized, and then I spent a few years taking a huge step back from everything I had ever thought was true about my sexuality.
A clairvoyant friend who was right about many, many things, told me in February 2004, between visits to my divorce lawyer, that by February 2009, I would have a new man and a whole new life. He told me that life was going to be vastly different in ways I could not fathom. I’m less than a year from the future we were discussing, but in many ways, I’m already there. I am, at the very least, quite ready and actively pursuing that wonderfully different life he forecasted. The identity of the man (or men?) has not yet been settled, but I can certainly see how I fit into this fantasy.
What I’ve had to do to get to this serene place with my own appetites has been to pull away and look objectively at all the things I was told–by my childhood religion, by TV and books and movies, by well-meaning friends, by clueless lovers who judged me by their own appetites–and look really hard at what I like and dislike without the context of the programming I’ve received since I was a little girl.
There are modes and methods I’ve never enjoyed, will never enjoy. Confess that to a lover and suddenly it’s a deficiency, an inadequacy as a woman NOT to adhere to some boring man’s idea of a good time. On the flip side, discover what you might really like or might really like to try and discreetly tell your best female friends…and hear how that’s not really what you need because what you really need is what they really need. Ah, no accounting for differences, huh? Let’s draw that hard line between the sexes and what men are supposed to enjoy and what women are supposed to enjoy and if you can’t check the boxes on the list, then there’s something wrong with you, right?
A lot of these reinforced expectations ate away at my self-esteem when I was younger. Men told me, women told me, the media told me–I’m supposed to like certain things and dislike certain things. Sure,be yourself, but be the self that’s been painted as “normal.” I’ve figured it out now, and now I know that sexuality is as diverse a path as spirituality and it’s always a very “individual” path uniquely suited to each of us and hopefully intersecting with the unique paths of the right lovers for each of us. I’ve stopped letting the expectations of others determine how I satisfy my appetites or if I satisfy them at all. I’ve taken that big step back from the media and well-meaning friends who react in either pity or disgust if my preferences don’t align perfectly with theirs and I’ve found a place where I feel I’ve come home, much as I did with my spiritual path over a decade ago. No lover or friend will ever make me feel bad about myself again because I don’t meet his expectations because, frankly, I’m much more concerned about my own expectations these days.
Am I letting current people in my life influence my appetites, as one friend from a decade ago alleged because I wasn’t following her insistence at how terrific it would be if I, too, were a bratty submissive? No. I’ve taken a gander at that as well, to make sure I’ve arrived at this place on my own terms. Looking back, I can see that certain patterns of enjoyment were always there, in the background or buried under expectation of how I was supposed to be. I’m simply letting it come forward now and no longer caring what images have been modeled for me by the culture around me.
It’s a level of ease, sincerity, serenity, clarity, and pleasure that feels very natural to me. The sexual revolution isn’t about the freedom to indulge in carnal knowledge–it’s about the freedom to enjoy and express your sexuality as no one else in the world ever could.
Recommended Reading to spice up your love life:
Control Your Submissive Boy:
150 Ways for the New Domme to Master Her Man
by Raven Michaels Lockhart
For detailed description, click here.
I love this post. It really is horrible the amount of pressure people give and give in to when it comes to dialogues about sex. Share more! What exactly are the things you felt forced to adhere to, and later realized you didn’t like? What likes have you discovered?
Great post! I blogged about it here: