Blank Times (Connections without Communications)
Photo by KorayGokhan
Blame it on the Scorpio moon’s intensity, but nothing drives me crazier than lack of communication. In particular, that you-can-hear-a-pin-drop silence that comes after an intense date or a conversation where the guy is just grovelling at my feet and making all sorts of offers. (Every man who walks through my door has to sit and tune my guitar, go figure; I’m not opposed to it, just amused by the frequency and the general sweetness of the act.) It always bugs me when a guy is really into me, often more than I am about him, and just as I’m starting to believe there could be something there between us that’s real and enduring, he vanishes. No waning of interest or lack of interest at all. Just suddenly gone. And often still very interested in me after he’s gone, according to his friends.
It still bugs me how a guy can sit next to me, my fingers wrapped in his, and earnestly ask ME to decorate HIS house to MY tastes and then be out of my life a week later with no explanation. Or how a guy can plan a week of dates for us and then disappear with no forwarding address because his job turns sour. I’ve dated guys with second thoughts and guys with no thoughts (at least once), and those I handle very well. The ones I have trouble getting a grip on are the guys with whom I establish a connection, something on the emotional realm that may or may not be romantic and is not necessarily physical, and the connection is suddenly severed without explanation.
It’s really an emotional Tower Card for me. I can’t pinpoint the origin of it to deal with the first time and rewrite it into something much better so that I reprogram my response, but I can definitely pinpoint several men over the past few years who’ve pulled that little trick, each for a good reason of his own, none of them having anything to do with hurting me, but still. It always shakes me up, and as a result, I’m wary of trusting the grovelling guy at my feet quite so quickly. I don’t want to become jaded, and I guess since I can still give enough of my heart to let such a drop in communications shake me up, then I’m really not yet jaded.
What’s prickly for me tonight is Maverick’s disappearance–again. Yes, yes, I know he’s out getting shot at by terrorists but is that really an excuse? Hmmm, okay, maybe. I knew this was coming. I’d been warned that there would be intense conversation and then a sudden blank time when I would hear nothing from him. Our conversations have been an amazing gift to me, and he’s helped me understand some things in myself that I might not have discovered so easily had he not forced the question. It’s not like I think he and I are a perfect fit and I don’t think there is enough commonality for anything long-term. He’s suggested becoming my house-husband and I waffled. It’s a nice fantasy, but I don’t think I’m the woman he’s looking for and I’m pretty sure he’s not the guy I’ll settle in with in the future.
BUT the intensity and texture of our friendship gives great value to keeping that connection with him, with hearing that he is all right. The bottom line is, regardless of what we are or aren’t to each other in the past, the present, or the future, at this point in time, I do care about him. I can’t say how I care exactly and whether it’s to a greater or lesser degree than I care about any other man in my life over the past few years.
But the bottom line is 1. I care and feel a connection to him and 2. there’s a grueling lack of communication. This uneasy feeling isn’t so much about Maverick or my friendship with him as it is about what the blank time between us stirs in me. There are still old pains that I have not been able to release. This month, this month I will do that.