What It Is Wednesday: Is It ME with Drama?
Whoa. What happened? I’m not the one with drama. I’m never the one with drama. That’s other people, people all around me, but not me. But then, why am I feeling the ups and down of personal drama at the moment? Why are my own personal feelings upsetting to the person who has me so stirred?
I’m normally a self-described serene person while chaos may be all around. I’m not the one jumping up and down in a tear-fest in a relationship or screaming obscenities. I’m more often the one calming everyone else down or being their rock. But I’ll admit there are a few times when I’m thrown off kilter and it feels to me as if I’m the one inciting all the drama.
The thing is, I don’t usually show my turbulent emotions. Yes, Pisces girl that I am, they widely undulate but I let only a few people see them in person. You might think, if you read enough of my writing, that the emotions I put on a page are the ones I show the world, but writing them out usually purges them for me and really no one ever sees me having a screaming fit. The screaming fit might be going on inside my head but it’s never given vocal chords. Most people who encounter me thing nothing bothers me because I seldom show it, and if I do, then I either trust you or I’m too weary to care any more.
The way I am in most long-term relationships is really very smooth and soothing, and long-term relationships might even be a little dull if you like drama. You have to really do something hurtful to shake me out of that calmness, and it will probably be bad enough to make us life-long enemies or at least feel that way. My emotional ups and downs in a relationship are usually external–some crisis in our environment or a borderline personality who likes to manipulate my emotions to get his fix off my upsets.
As of late, I’ve felt more turbulent and showing it so much more than ever before, particularly to people I either feel utterly safe with or don’t care for at all. I’ve fought some long battles–not of my doing–without reprieve, so I’m exhausted and have let my shields and filters get worn down to where some nasty can incite unnecessary emotion from me. And then the real contender: getting to know someone new, someone important to me, and how I react to the stupidest things.
Later in relationships–romantic, platonic, business, etc–I settle in and know the boundaries and life is either smooth with that person or they’re already gone, provided they’re not an intentional manipulator. But in those early stages, I’m sometimes horrified by my reactions and actions. It seldom has anything to do with the new person, as I wrote last week, but is a reflection of a prior relationship that ended badly or frustrated me until I ended it. For me, I’m suddenly reminded by some minor action of a major past hurt and the drama is in my response.
Do I yell at a new person in my life over something the last one did or because I wanted to yell at the last one but couldn’t? (I’m not a yeller so I’m exaggerating here.)
Do I write a 10-page dissertation on the brave new feelings a new man stirs in me, only to remind myself that next day of my decades-old rule on not writing anything to a man after midnight? (Stop laughing–you know it’s an important rule and why!)
Do I burst into tears because I feel like a two year old tantrum thrower who doesn’t understand these strange new emotions that overwhelm me, good or bad? (Hard to be a grown up at work when this happens.)
Do I find myself having to run away and seclude myself because I can’t trust I’ll keep my hands to myself in someone’s presence when I’ve told myself I’ll let him take the lead? (And I once thought sexual attraction was something that faded after age 25!)
Do I add my own confused feelings to someone else’s burden because I feel I have to be honest about everything and right this very minute? (Just plain feel bad about this later.)
Have I just not allowed myself the luxury of feelings like this for so long that I can barely contain myself and come across as demanding, overly excitable, and intense in the kind of way I don’t want to be thought of as intense?
I hate feeling I’m the one with the drama, and I do know that it’ll settle and pass quickly once I’m more secure in the relationship and in my own understanding of my reaction to this new person. But in the meanwhile, my emotions are wide open and showing themselves, and I suppose…if I don’t scare someone off…I’d rather be all that than someone whose affections aren’t obvious.
Back in January 2005, I started blogging regularly at a LiveJournal site called SuperGirl@40 as part of my personal therapy to work through healing from a failed marriage…and then suddenly working through all the other crap in my life from childhood. It was a significant part of my healing journey and I shared raw emotions and “dauntless reality” with others in a small circle of new friends who were also dealing with healing from long ago and recent traumas. It was a fairly private blog–well, that privacy lasted until one of my kids mentioned it to an ex-inlaw and then I took a deep breath and watched it go public very quickly. I still write in that raw and profound way I’m known for but having healed so many of my early and frequent wounds, I don’t really write the heavy, raw, vulnerabilities like I used to. I’m committing here to bringing that back, in case you wonder if it ever really left. That means committing to putting the big, scary stuff out there.
The above post is my contribution to this week’s edition of a blog hop started by Kelley Harrell of Soul Intent Arts called “What It Is Wednesday,” which gives bloggers a chance to dauntlessly tell it like it is. You can view the inaugural post to learn more about joining in or just to read other blogs in the hop.