The Treat: A Bearable Lightness of Being
Copyrighted by Lorna Tedder. Originally published in Third Degree of Contrast.
The Treat’s been on my mind again. I can feel his energy all around me but things are different now. It’s lighter, cleaner, happier. He’s in a good place, or at least, in the beginnings of a good place
For so long, I’ve felt him reaching out to me, his anxieties, his sadness, his wounded heart. It’s been almost two years since that night we did the healing circle at my house and I thought then that I must have formed a connection with him because of the way his denser emotions dropped me to my chair, unable to breathe. In hindsight, I think he formed the connection with me because I know I felt him reach out to me, earlier, that night he asked me to dinner and I said yes. The heavy anxiety, intense, palpable, something to do with him and our friendship…and then as if a bubble burst and a decision had been made… and my phone buzzing five seconds later with a shy request that’s still sweet in my memory. I didn’t answer him right away—I just savored that moment. But in reality, I think we formed the connection a few weeks before that, during long conversations in the late night and wee hours. Those were times when we were both so wounded from our divorces and trying to heal and figure things out and it was wonderful to find someone else who understood, someone else in the same place who knew the damage and would never do anything to hurt the other, a safe person to show our scars.
His sadder feelings have been easy for me to distinguish in the Ether. It’s what I’ve been used to. At times, they’ve been unbearable, bringing me to tears for him and I’ve just wanted to hug him and mother him and bandage his scraped knees. No other man I’ve ever known brings out those instincts in me.
I almost missed the happier feelings because they were so…different. It was almost like I’d stopped feeling him reaching out as often over the past couple of months, but it’s not that. There’s just not as much sadness and the healing has accelerated for him to a point where he is starting to feel good about his life again and about the possibilities that are out there. And those feelings, I realized in the past month, have been coming through on a clear channel in a tune I didn’t recognize as his. That’s new. Funny that I’d not be used to the feel of someone’s happiness but so attuned to their sadness. But then, that very tender and fragile space was where our connection was cemented rather than in frivolity.
This is more like the glow of his energy when I first laid eyes on him, that day when he sat down at my feet and listened so intently to every word I said. He was lighter then, happier, full of anticipation, excitement about his career and the life ahead. I remember the sense of his energy then. That’s how he feels now. Like a new beginning, but this time, a new beginning in the right place and with the world laid out before him. Like his dreams are ready to happen at last.
This is a lightness of being in him that I find very easy and joyful to bear. And I am glad, so glad, that he is doing well.