The Ten of Cups Is What I Want

Copyrighted by Lorna Tedder. Originally published in Third Degree of Contrast.

There’s a reason I keep the Ten of Cups card on my Light Altar, on the church rail right next to my Celtic Jesus statue.  In the  Tarot  deck, the  Ten  of Cups  is the happy ending emotionally.  It’s peace,  joy, contentment, the emotional culmination of the happy home and family. It’s  new  love,  carried  through  bonding  and  friendship, through balance,  to  the  satisfaction  and  fulfillment  of feelings. Yeah, a nice image to keep  in the foreground and manifest when I’m considering love relationships.

The church rail is perfect for such images and reminders. Almost two years ago, I found the antique rail while treasure-hunting with the girls. It zinged with energy and caught my attention right away. It had been hauled from a church in Los Angeles to Florida, but before that, it had made its home in Scotland, a place I’ve always wanted to visit. The delicate thistle carvings on the rail have always fascinated me. The choir must have stood behind the rail because the top has a ledge for hymnals or maybe Bibles. Though now it’s Tarot cards and spiritual drawings that it holds, like my Ten of Cups.

But it is a Ten of Cups card, and not a Ten of Pentacles, which represents the ultimate in worldly success and wealth. Nor is it the Ten of Wands—too many ideas and too much work—or the Ten of Swords, the card of misfortune and more conflict than one can stand. The Ten of Cups is what I want.

Last summer,  I had several  opportunities  that I decided to forgo. I was at times on the lonely side, the bane of all single people, and in need of both adult conversation and affection from the  opposite sex. I had the opportunity to get involved with new people  on  a purely physical level—pretty much my pick of men—but it wasn’t  what  I  wanted.  I  didn’t  see  in  it  the  fulfillment  I wanted.

But I  had  two  opportunities  for  something  better, something longer lasting.

One was with a rocket scientist I’ve been friends with at work for years. It was a short window of opportunity, but if I’d wanted a nice companionable  relationship with good conversation  for 6  months or so, it was there for me. I’ve always enjoyed my conversations with him, but he and I have never  had any physical  chemistry  and I can’t imagine it starting at this point. I have a lot of respect for his man, but there’s no spark there. I knew that any attempt at a romantic  relationship  would not have been long-term and there would be no going back to being friends.  Some  people  are never  meant  to be more than friends and I’m just not interested  in giving myself to  that  deep  an  emotional  level  in  something  I  know doesn’t stand a chance at long-term. I guess that means I’m interested only in serious relationships.

The other relationship, had I given it a chance, had all the  markings  of “serious.”  I could  see  combining  fortunes with this man, perhaps even a new family with him. Definitely  long-term.   An  intelligent,   successful,   hardworking man with lots to talk about and supportive of my dreams. Still no chemistry, though, and I just don’t go out with men I don’t feel a spark with. But it could have been a  good  relationship   if  I’d   pursued  it,  one  of  those “mature” relationships where life together is more about the life you’ve built separately than what you’ll ever build together. I guess I’d rather build a life with someone than simply share what I already have. For some reason, I always equated  the possibility  of a relationship  with him with the Ten of Pentacles. Successful, yes. But not necessarily everything I want emotionally, and not that spark of alchemy I crave.

So those have been my choices over the last seven months. Three  doors  opened  for  me,  and  I closed  all three.

Door #1 would probably have brought me something icky, pardon  the medical terminology.  And I’d probably have  some  psychological   relationship  garbage  and/or self-esteem issues to work through now if  I’d  gone that route. Not to mention  what I might  have exposed  my family to. It’s not enough for me to be with someone just because he’s physically charming.

Door #2  would  probably  have  been  over  with  by now, but  would have been a nice temporary solution to my desire to be in a relationship again. I think the lack of physical attraction would  have left  me sort of ho-hum and I don’t think our friendship would have survived an attempt at romance. It’s not enough for me to be with someone just because he’s a good friend.

Door #3 would have been successful on many levels, but lacking on ones that are just too important to ignore. If we’d attempted a courtship, I think we would probably have been moved in together and be married/committed by now. But I’m not sure the emotional fulfillment  and sexual attraction  would be there. It’s not enough for me to be with someone  just because the relationship  is successful and  prosperous  by  anyone  else’s  standards.  It’s not enough  to have a relationship  that’s  really about  a business and social partnership.

I’m picky. I can afford to be. It’s my life I’m talking about.

Maybe the Ten of Cups will be behind Door #4. That  is, after all, what I am attracting to me now.