Copyrighted by Lorna Tedder. Originally published in Third Degree Below.
Iâ€™m killing Â time Â waiting Â for Â Shannon Â to Â get Â home from her final exams. Weâ€™ll leave when she gets here. I think of that Jim Steinman phrase, â€œWe were only killing time and it can kill you right back.â€
I have to water the plants.
My emotions Â have been discordant all day, and Iâ€™m glad my boss called back last night to say, No, we donâ€™t expect Â to Â see Â you Â againÂ Â untilÂ Â next Â week. Â My Â initial thought while waiting for my brother to call back was an old habit of oh, this is a bad time at work for a family cri- sis and what will they do without me and maybe Cynthia can take the Â protest Â and Diane can take the emergency review and…. But I took a Â deep breath and let my boss handle it. Hard. Major emotional Â hitches can Â throw you into old patterns really quickly.
Iâ€™m Â sorta Â massively Â Â Â Â ADHD right now. Â Walked through the house 40 times to get a timer and kept for- getting to get it. Thereâ€™s food in the fridge I should take with me.
Iâ€™m not doing anything in particular to calm my emotions. Â I Â should Â have Â a Â bonfire Â tonight Â in Â the Â field. Â I should. Iâ€™m just letting my emotions run right now. Loose and free. Hurt and angry. Lots of anger. Grief often takes that form.
Aislinnâ€™s chorus teacher couldnâ€™t understand why she needed to miss a concert. Sheâ€™s soooooo inconvenienced by Aislinn not being there. Okay for kids with soccer practice to miss but not for Â Aislinn, Â not even with a note from me. Gave her a hard time and Â singled her out in front of her classmates. Bitch. Stupid, heartless, narcissistic bitch.
Iâ€™m having trouble thinking. Â I realized this after my shower today when I spent 20 minutes scouring the bath- room for the clean panties Iâ€™d Â brought in with me and then realized I was wearing them.
Last night at the restaurant, Â on the phone with my brother, Shannon kept offering to drive me home. I was like two people, one calm and one outwardly flustered. I didnâ€™t let her drive. She was a mirror Â of me, shaking as much. But I was so touched to have someone to lean on.
I need to pick up pantyhose. I never wear them any- more. I should Â wear them for the funeral. I hate panty- hose.
My emotions are all over the place, and it will get even more raw tonight and tomorrow. My kids will meet family members Â theyâ€™ve never met before or even heard of. That will be good in some cases, likely bad in others.
It would be unwise for anyone to mess with me right now. Iâ€™m angry, and all I need is for some mouthy relative to give me a place to focus that anger.
I need to water the plants. Shannonâ€™s home.