Killing Time

Copyrighted by Lorna Tedder. Originally published in Third Degree Below.

I’m killing  time  waiting  for  Shannon  to  get  home from her final exams. We’ll leave when she gets here. I think of that Jim Steinman phrase, “We were only killing time and it can kill you right back.”

I have to water the plants.

My emotions  have been discordant all day, and I’m glad my boss called back last night to say, No, we don’t expect  to  see  you  again   until   next  week.  My  initial thought while waiting for my brother to call back was an old habit of oh, this is a bad time at work for a family crisis and what will they do without me and maybe Cynthia can take the  protest  and Diane can take the emergency review and…. But I took a  deep breath and let my boss handle it. Hard. Major emotional  hitches can  throw you into old patterns really quickly.

I’m  sorta  massively       ADHD right now.   Walked through the house 40 times to get a timer and kept forgetting to get it. There’s food in the fridge I should take with me.

I’m not doing anything in particular to calm my emotions.  I  should  have  a  bonfire  tonight  in  the  field.  I should. I’m just letting my emotions run right now. Loose and free. Hurt and angry. Lots of anger. Grief often takes that form.

Aislinn’s chorus teacher couldn’t understand why she needed to miss a concert. She’s sooooooinconvenienced by Aislinn not being there. Okay for kids with soccer practice to miss but not for  Aislinn,  not even with a note from me. Gave her a hard time and  singled her out in front of her classmates. Bitch. Stupid, heartless, narcissistic bitch.

I’m having trouble thinking.  I realized this after my shower today when I spent 20 minutes scouring the bathroom for the clean panties I’d  brought in with me and then realized I was wearing them.

Last night at the restaurant,  on the phone with my brother, Shannon kept offering to drive me home. I was like two people, one calm and one outwardly flustered. I didn’t let her drive. She was a mirror  of me, shaking as much. But I was so touched to have someone to lean on.

I need to pick up pantyhose. I never wear them anymore. I should  wear them for the funeral. I hate pantyhose.

My emotions are all over the place, and it will get even more raw tonight and tomorrow. My kids will meet family members  they’ve never met before or even heard of. That will be good in some cases, likely bad in others.

It would be unwise for anyone to mess with me right now. I’m angry, and all I need is for some mouthy relative to give me a place to focus that anger.

I need to water the plants. Shannon’s home.