No More Looking for a Man Who’s My Equal?

Copyrighted by Lorna Tedder. Originally published in Third Degree of Truth.

Have  I  been  “looking  for  love”  in  all  the  wrong places?

Life Coaching Tips


My old friend—the one who so enjoys being submissive  to  his  wife—suggests  I  have.  He  alleges  that  I’ll never find anybody “worth  having” around here in the usual way and that it’s time to change my paradigm  and start taking bids.

“The two men you said you really liked over the past two years,”  he says.  “Did  you meet  them  in the usual way?”

Meaning,  he  explains,   an  introduction   through   a friend or through  a dating site or at a bar or party. No.

Actually both times  were through  an unexpected  work connection—his.  The  meetings  were  really  just  flukes, and not ones likely to be repeated ever again with anyone else. Both men seemed to have a “connection”  with me, one more so than the other.

“And who made the first move?” he asks.

Um, that would be me. I do believe I asked for their numbers first. Why, yes, I did, brazen hussy-virgin that I am.

“And they gave you their private numbers?”

Immediately. Yes.

“And you called them?”

When I got the chance. A couple of weeks later.

He grins. “On your own schedule. Not theirs.” Then he nods. “Who decided when and where to go out?”

Er, me again. But they did ask me to decide where and when….

He nods  furiously.  “And  you  preferred  that  to  the men who  decided where  you’d eat and what you’d eat and found fault with your pagan jewelry?”

Definitely. I thought these men were sweet. Thoughtful.

“Very unlike the men you meet at work or through friends?”

Very. They  were  chivalrous  but  not  chauvinistic.  It occurs to me  suddenly  that chivalrous and chauvinistic are not the same thing. Here in the Bible Belt, I never be- fore recognized  that  fact.  Chauvinism  often  leads  to a false  chivalry.  But these  men  were…respectful,  adoring, and interesting.

I liked that. A lot. No telling  me what  to think  or

what to do or passing judgment in the usual negative way a witch in Republican Fundy Country sees.

“What you need is a man—or men—who will sit at your feet and worship you as their Goddess. You’ve been

looking for  men  who  were  your  equal,  and  you  don’t have any.”

My friend makes me laugh.

Flying By Night novel

“And  that’s  where  you’ve  gone  wrong  with  these dregs who keep finding you. There’s no need to give up on men altogether. It’s simply that the last thing you need is an Alpha Male or someone trying to be your equal and instead being a controlling buffoon.”

Ooooh. Interesting  insight. Since I was 12, I’ve been

focused  on  equality.  On  women  being  equal  to  men. Women being equal to men in pay, respect, freedom, etc. The mindset I grew up with  (yes, I was in the National Organization for Women when I was 12!) raised women UP to the superior level of men. So I’ve always thought in terms of a mate who would recognize me as an equal to his superior status, so we could be superior  together. It’s different now. I’m no longer trying to prove to any- one that I’m good enough to be his equal so why should I lower my standards  to being what a man wants me to be instead of who I am?

“It’s time for you to shift your paradigm and look in a different sort of place,” my friend says. He suggests I go over the site where he met his wife,, and register and just see what happens.

“You can look around the site and find several dozen men who  interest  you  and  pursue  them  if  you’d  like. Or—” he grins again —”you can put up a profile and just let the proposals roll in!” Then he becomes very serious. “Really. These are the kind of  men you’re  interesting in—articulate,  intelligent,  successful,  open-minded,  and with most if not all of your non-negotiables. All you need to do is let them  know you exist and they’ll line up for you…and then all you have to do is pick which one you want.”

At the  moment,  I’m  waffling,  but  leaning  ever  so slightly toward giving it a look-see.


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *