Conversations While Dozing
Copyrighted by Lorna Tedder. Originally published in Third Degree Curves.
Iâ€™m half dozing but my mind is going like crazy. It just never stops.
The emotions I feel are jumping all over the place, and I canâ€™t get Â a fix on any of them for very long at a time. Itâ€™s someone elseâ€™s emotions, thatâ€™s why.
Rather than shield, I let it pass through me but the emotions are Â so different from how Iâ€™m used to feeling emotions that I occasionally let one of them catch me.
They have me feeling independent and needy and indulgent and Â confused and lonely and distant and rebellious. Not quite all at once, but so quickly in cycles that I can barely detect the end of one spurt of emotion and the beginning of the next.
I donâ€™t think about it. I just let it go, go, go while I go about my Â business Â of Â all the Â things Â I must Â finish Â this week.
Then, while half-dozing, the emotions come to a halt, to a quiet thatâ€™s strange among this discordance of every- thing at once. Itâ€™s deathly quiet.
Then, in my dozing, I hear a manâ€™s voice, soft and concerned, Â a Â little Â incredulous Â as Â if Â heâ€™s Â just Â realized something, and quite fearful. Iâ€™ve never heard a man ask me this before…at least not in this quiet tone.
â€œAre you mad at me?â€
Half-dozing, Â I Â tell Â him Â yes, Â then Â tell Â him Â why. Â He shares his thoughts while I sleep, but he never speaks to me when he sits close.
â€œOh,â€ he says. Thereâ€™s genuine surprise in his voice, and distress, Â too, even after I assure him that I am well and I do care, but wish he Â would show his feelings not just below the surface but above as well.
Then somewhere Â a bubble Â bursts and myÂ thoughtsÂ quiet down and the jarring Â emotions Â ease. Â I donâ€™t Â feel everything he feels at once now. All I feel is my own jangled Â nerves, Â calming Â nowÂ without Â the Â barrage Â of Â self- questioning and self-deprecation.
Itâ€™s not that heâ€™s gone. I still feel him close.
No. No, heâ€™s just letting me sleep. Thank you.