What Do I Need a Man For?
Copyrighted by Lorna Tedder. Originally published in Third Degree of Separation.
My married friendsâ€”and many of my single onesâ€”canâ€™t understand Â why Iâ€™m not out there, bedding a different man every night. Â Iâ€™m free to do so if I choose. Or why I havenâ€™t moved some 20-something boy-toy lieutenant into my home so I can have nightly foot Â rubs if not stimulating conversation. Again, Iâ€™m free to do so and there are certainly enough pretty lieutenants. Not only that, but most of my friends canâ€™t under- stand why Iâ€™m still celibate after my divorce.
Honestly, itâ€™s hard to explain. But when you get a chance to be a virgin again, you donâ€™t want to waste it on just any drunk in a bar. Losing my second virginity is not the big focus of my life.
The opportunities have been there, Â and some, Â Iâ€™ve seriouslyÂ Â waffled Â about, Â but Â I seem to spend most of my time saying no, either to men or to myself. Or not even getting to the point of talking about sex with a man at all. Actually, I can think of only one that I Â would have slept withâ€¦ahemâ€¦would still sleep withâ€¦and it seems every time we talked, the conversation twisted back to sex. We kept our hands off each other, but our minds sure did wander a lot!
But except for an occasional relapse that tends to pass quickly Â provided I can, oh, go eat a bag of Mint Milanos or something until the feeling passes, Iâ€™ve had no interest in picking up men in bars or on-line. I mean, whatâ€™s the point?
I like the way Cara puts it. â€œWhat do us divorced chicks need a Â man for, huh? Thereâ€™s nothing any man on this planet can do for me that Â a Â pack of D-batteries canâ€™t achieveâ€¦ over and over and over again.â€
Andâ€”sorry, Â guysâ€”but Â most Â of Â my Â women Â friends agree. One-night-stands just arenâ€™t very satisfyingâ€”all puns in- tendedâ€”for women. The guy may achieve his objectives quite easily but a womanâ€™s more likely to be left disappointed or possibly pleased with her acting Â performance. A one-night-stand might be worth his while, but often, she goes home berating her- self for bothering.
For me, the slim possibility of satisfaction with a stranger isnâ€™t Â enough Â to take the kinds of risks that accompany casual sex. Too easy these days to end up permanently damaged or disease-ridden. Iâ€™m just not that needy. So, except again for an occasional fleeting fancy that Â thankfully Â passes quickly, Iâ€™m not interested in a sexual indulgence to kick off a possible new relationship. Thatâ€™s not where I want to start in Â getting Â to know someone.
For me, the satisfaction of a sexual relationship comes not so much from the physical side of it but from the combination of the physical and psychological in a coupling, the psycho- logical encompassing such planes as emotional, intellectual, and spiritual. And thereâ€™s probably not Â much chance of making a strong connection through sex alone, at least Â not one thatâ€™s worthwhile to me. Better to make the strong connection Â first and then, with the psychological connection in place, marry it up (no Â pun intended) with the physical so that the experience is overlaid (pun intended) with many aspects of exploration.
Some of my single friends have often reported back that theyâ€™ve had an interesting sexual encounter thatâ€™s lasted off and onÂ forÂ aÂ fewÂ weeks,Â butÂ withÂ nothingÂ elseÂ inÂ common,Â itâ€™s drifted away and left them feeling a little lonely. Iâ€™m told thatâ€™s a sign of maturing sexually, the fact that Â physicality alone is not enough. Yet they continue to do it. Itâ€™s just not enough for me, and I wonâ€™t waste my time on sex with strangers.
One of the things I loved about the relationship between the hero and heroine of Dark Revelations, when I was writing it, was that there is a sexual tension between them, but itâ€™s the tenderness they have for each other that precedes the sexual relationship, that touches them deeplyâ€¦me as well. I didnâ€™t expect this to happen in an action-adventure-romance novel when Iâ€™d figured thereâ€™d be at least one really hot sex scene and the heroine is very jaded when it comes to giving her heart. So it surprised me in a sweet, tender, romantic way I didnâ€™t expect (and yes, there are a couple of hot scenes).
I liked that, that they cared deeply for each other and understood each other and yearned for each other before they ever consummated their relationship. Itâ€™s a quiet love with the sexual intensity just under the surface until they meet between the sheets and let loose the hounds of passion.
Yeah, the kind of sex where a man and woman limp into the ER afterwards, gazes locked and grinning sheepishly at each other while they get checked out for broken bones and sprains. Caraâ€™s batteries canâ€™t substitute for that kind of interaction.