I Just Wanna Be Satisfied
Copyrighted by Lorna Tedder. Originally published in Third Degree of Freedom .
Iâ€™m not ever quite contentâ€”and Iâ€™m not sure I want to be.
Content, to me, is synonymous with done, complete, nothing left to accomplish. I donâ€™t ever want to be done with everything I can accomplish. To me, thatâ€™s death, and Iâ€™m not done until I die. I want to finish my very last task at the moment I keel over and not before.
But I do want to feel joy again. Itâ€™s the little joys that make life worth living. And I have felt joy many times in the past year and often do now, too. Little victories. Special friends. Enjoying life without being retired from itâ€”or worse: resigned to it.
Mariah tells me I need to relax more. Yeah. I know. I need to drink more raspberry tea, she says. No chamomile, though. And more hot baths with lots of herbs. Sounds good to me.
â€œLove will find you soon,â€ she says. Thereâ€™s a knowing in her eyes but she doesnâ€™t elaborate.
â€œYeah, Iâ€™ve heard that before,â€ I tell her. â€œWhat was it? August? September? No one new and interesting showed up in my life at that time and worse, some of the more interesting people in my life left it then.â€
She shrugs. â€œLove was supposed to have found you then. Maybe it did and you didnâ€™t know.â€
I laugh. â€œIsnâ€™t knowing the point?â€ Iâ€™m not sure it is, but her assertion seems grossly unfair. If somebody loves me, well, sheesh, Iâ€™d like to be informed of it. I donâ€™t mind secret loves but I do if itâ€™s a secret from me.
â€œThings have shifted,â€ Mariah says. â€œThe love thatâ€™s coming, well, letâ€™s just say that there were some loose ends that werenâ€™t tied up. His, not yours.â€ She doesnâ€™t name him. â€œThis is more about your transition though than his.â€
â€œIâ€™m still transitioning?â€ Good grief! When am I gonna get there? Oh…yeah. I donâ€™t necessarily want to finish all my transitioning yet. I just want to get to the next step. One transition at a time. This step is a long one, though.
â€œYouâ€™re building your lives of abundance separately before you build a life together. But, honey, your significant other is coming. And soon. Youâ€™re almost done with getting your accounts balanced and youâ€™re almost ready. Focus on that because youâ€™ll want to spend some time with him when he comes, and that will be soon.â€
â€œSoon is a four-letter word,â€ I say, laughing. Itâ€™s what people tell those of us with no patience to make us wait a little longer.
â€œYou are loved,â€ she says.
I sober up. â€œI know. By the Gods.â€
She starts to say something but smiles instead.
So Iâ€™ll keep transitioning, changing. I wonâ€™t be content just having a new man in my life. Or selling another novel. Or checking tasks off a list. But I will find joy in holding someoneâ€™s hand or seeing my words in print. Or knowing Iâ€™ve been useful and productive and made a difference.
I may not be content, but Iâ€™ll be satisfied.