Getting What You Want

Are you getting what you want? I am. Finally. And the change is most evident by looking around my home.

While working on a refurbishment project both inside and outside my house, I had begun to notice a pattern I’d somehow missed. It’s a pattern of doing without, of sacrificing, of settling for less than I want, of living with other people’s cast-offs. It’s obvious now only because I have gotten rid of so much accumulation over the years that I can now see what’s left, and it’s mostly the things I’ve felt I could not let leave my life.

I still have a few hand-me-down pieces of furniture when I’d really rather have a very different look and energy in Shannon’s old room now that she’s left home and something different for whenever she’s visiting. I’ve thought about it recently, about getting a double bed for that little room so that future couples vacationing at my home will have something more comfortable than a single bed. I’ve seen exactly the headboard I want. Then I thought, no, I could save a few hundred dollars by hanging onto the old stuff, even the uncomfortable old stuff. Just close the door and live with it. I could, as so many times in my life, just “make do.” Not what I want but there are a good dozen excuses why not, starting with the economy. The one reason why seemed to be that it was something that I wanted. I can afford it, I have room for it, I want it-but that’s not good enough. I don’t care if it’s the best or the priciest or the cutest little antique. The bottom line is whether my really wanting something is enough to have it.

And I’ve decided that it is.

The same has been true of replacing the long-gone hot tub. Too expensive. Too lavish. Too much upkeep. Too…whatever. Yet something I enjoyed immensely and have longed to have again. What’s stopping me? Me. It wasn’t something I reallyreallyreally needed, even though it would be wonderful for my knee injury or relaxing away stress. I settled for less than what I wanted.

And I’ve decided to change that, too.

All around my home, this change has been taking place over the past year. I am now beginning to have the gardens I’ve long wanted. My house is still freshly painted from last summer, with the floors in the foyer and kitchen re-done, new countertops, new curtains, and all the little idiosyncrasies that bring people to love my home. It’s full of candles, scents, sunshine, prisms dancing on the walls, lots of color and stone and wood and metal and fabric.

My home is an intricate reflection of my inner world, and even my gardens remind me that the reason I have 3 shades of azalea in one small bed is because I didn’t think I could afford the few bucks more to have what I really wanted. This isn’t a cry for rampant commercialism that I’m espousing: instead, it’s about being true to pursuing what I really desire instead of going nearly all the way to my goal and then settling at the last few steps of the mile. It’s about getting what I want. Both in and around my home-and in my life.

I have my sanctuary, I have upbeat new friends and an solid Circle, I have talented lovers and deep love and warm affection, I have AMAZING daughters, I have fun trips and interesting classes, I have students and clients who bless me by knowing them, I have creative projects and popular websites, I have emotional support and incredible relationships with loved ones near and far, I have books that delight me to write, I have a prosperous job that has better moments now than before, I have music in my home, I have flowers on my table, and I have a now-healthy body that serves me well and is served well.

I have more now of what I’ve always wanted, and none of it is almost there, second best, or making do. I’m not settling anymore. I’m finally getting what I want.