Two Phrases to Eliminate from Your Relationships
In spite of the sheer hell that was all around us, I’ve been in relationships with men where what was between us was smooth, natural, and EASY. And beautiful. The bad part was having to deal with all the drama and stress caused by other people and other situations that impacted us. My friends could not understand the loving, heaven-on-earth, Shangri-La feeling between us or why I’d spend every possible waking moment with someone when all the world around us was falling apart.
I’ve also been in relationships with men where life was “perfect.” Or at least looked that way. We had the obvious financial prosperity, the education, the opportunities, the status, the look, the image. My friends and family did not understand why I’d ever leave such a wonderful situation when everything in the external world seemed so pretty. And yet, the relationship itself was a constant struggle. The damage was all internal, though, and no external factor would ever make it better or easier.
Back in those days when my stomach was constantly in knots over the jagged edges between my man and me, I used to tell myself that things would be easier if I stayed home with the kids or better if only we had more time and money to do things together and pursue our dreams. Over the past few years, I’ve heard other men (some, not all) say the same of any possible relationship with me:
“It would be easier if I weren’t moving to the other side of the State.”
“It would be better if I weren’t deploying to Afghanistan.”
“It would be easier if you didn’t have a custody agreement that keeps you in Florida for another 2 years.”
“It would be better if I had more money.”
“It would be easier if you didn’t have children.”
“It would be better if my ex-girlfriend stopped interfering.”
What I’ve discovered is that it is never easier or better if you change some external factor in your life, whether that’s location, social circles, family opinions, jobs, lifestyles, children, sexual preferences, or your clothes. The relationship is what it is, and you can’t use some external circumstance as the reason things aren’t easier or better between you. Even if you get the external situation you want, there’s some new difficulty to wade through where you’ll find that it’s not any easier or better, only different.
Until you realize that, declaring that “it would be easier if” or “it would be better if” is just an empty excuse that keeps you from fully pursuing what you really want out of life. It may be that you don’t like the current situation, but any other external factor won’t make the relationship easier or better. That has to come from within.