Law of Attraction Meanies
Copyrighted by Lorna Tedder. Originally published in Love in the Third Degree.
I finally figured out what makes me so disapproving of some of the Law of Attraction teachers I’ve encountered (other than the spammers who read one post of my 2000-post journal and jump to conclusions). Seriously, this is a Cyndi Lauper Girls-just-wanna-have-fun-video palm slap to the forehead. I understand the hot-button connection.
When I realized in May 2003 that I was co-dependent, it was like a lightbulb coming on. I suddenly understood my behavior for years and why I felt responsible not just for myself but for everyone in the world and why I wanted the best possible world for everyone, even to the point of giving up what I wanted for myself. I was already at a point where I knew my marriage was over but I was refusing to see it. I was still trying to make it work. I thought, at least temporarily, that understanding this aspect of my personality would help me save my marriage, especially if my spouse understood the dynamics between us. There were things I “endured” in our marriage that a non-co-dependent woman would not have, and our marriage would have otherwise been over many years before.
I read lots of books on codependency. I talked to counselors. I worked hard on my issues. I shared the research and information with my spouse. I’d honestly thought that this huge epiphany would be the answer, yet a year later, I was in a lawyer’s office, signing my name to sue for divorce—and still, I might add, hopeful for a reconciliation.
At one point during our divorce proceedings, my ex admitted something startling to me. Yes, he understood my codependency and that I had a problem with boundaries. He understood that I had to learn to say no and that doing so was my responsibility. He admitted, to my amazement, that the Co-Dependent No More guides were a roadmap to how to mistreat me without recrimination and my codependency took away his responsibility in the relationship. My admission to my shadows gave him an excuse not to work on himself and to become more antagonistic. He could do or say whatever he wanted, ignore me or act erratically. It didn’t matter what he did because I was responsible for creating boundaries and if his actions caused me pain, then it was my problem for not putting a stop to it. It became a get-out-of-jail-free card for anything he wanted to do or say because I was solely responsible for any pain in my life and he could be anything he chose to be and it was up to me to change it.
In the end, I did change it. I ended the marriage.
But there’s something in the attitude of certain teachers that does annoy me. Looking back, I see now that there’s a connection to this particular hot button from my past.