The Ten of Cups Is What I Want
Copyrighted by Lorna Tedder. Originally published in Third Degree of Contrast.
There’s a reason I keep the Ten of Cups card on my Light Altar, on the church rail right next to my Celtic Jesus statue. In the Tarot deck, the Ten of Cups is the happy ending emotionally. It’s peace, joy, contentment, the emotional culmination of the happy home and family. It’s new love, carried through bonding and friendship, through balance, to the satisfaction and fulfillment of feelings. Yeah, a nice image to keep in the foreground and manifest when I’m considering love relationships.
The church rail is perfect for such images and reminders. Almost two years ago, I found the antique rail while treasure-hunting with the girls. It zinged with energy and caught my attention right away. It had been hauled from a church in Los Angeles to Florida, but before that, it had made its home in Scotland, a place I’ve always wanted to visit. The delicate thistle carvings on the rail have always fascinated me. The choir must have stood behind the rail because the top has a ledge for hymnals or maybe Bibles. Though now it’s Tarot cards and spiritual drawings that it holds, like my Ten of Cups.
But it is a Ten of Cups card, and not a Ten of Pentacles, which represents the ultimate in worldly success and wealth. Nor is it the Ten of Wands—too many ideas and too much work—or the Ten of Swords, the card of misfortune and more conflict than one can stand. The Ten of Cups is what I want.
Last summer, I had several opportunities that I decided to forgo. I was at times on the lonely side, the bane of all single people, and in need of both adult conversation and affection from the opposite sex. I had the opportunity to get involved with new people on a purely physical level—pretty much my pick of men—but it wasn’t what I wanted. I didn’t see in it the fulfillment I wanted.
But I had two opportunities for something better, something longer lasting.
One was with a rocket scientist I’ve been friends with at work for years. It was a short window of opportunity, but if I’d wanted a nice companionable relationship with good conversation for 6 months or so, it was there for me. I’ve always enjoyed my conversations with him, but he and I have never had any physical chemistry and I can’t imagine it starting at this point. I have a lot of respect for his man, but there’s no spark there. I knew that any attempt at a romantic relationship would not have been long-term and there would be no going back to being friends. Some people are never meant to be more than friends and I’m just not interested in giving myself to that deep an emotional level in something I know doesn’t stand a chance at long-term. I guess that means I’m interested only in serious relationships.
The other relationship, had I given it a chance, had all the markings of “serious.” I could see combining fortunes with this man, perhaps even a new family with him. Definitely long-term. An intelligent, successful, hardworking man with lots to talk about and supportive of my dreams. Still no chemistry, though, and I just don’t go out with men I don’t feel a spark with. But it could have been a good relationship if I’d pursued it, one of those “mature” relationships where life together is more about the life you’ve built separately than what you’ll ever build together. I guess I’d rather build a life with someone than simply share what I already have. For some reason, I always equated the possibility of a relationship with him with the Ten of Pentacles. Successful, yes. But not necessarily everything I want emotionally, and not that spark of alchemy I crave.
So those have been my choices over the last seven months. Three doors opened for me, and I closed all three.
Door #1 would probably have brought me something icky, pardon the medical terminology. And I’d probably have some psychological relationship garbage and/or self-esteem issues to work through now if I’d gone that route. Not to mention what I might have exposed my family to. It’s not enough for me to be with someone just because he’s physically charming.
Door #2 would probably have been over with by now, but would have been a nice temporary solution to my desire to be in a relationship again. I think the lack of physical attraction would have left me sort of ho-hum and I don’t think our friendship would have survived an attempt at romance. It’s not enough for me to be with someone just because he’s a good friend.
Door #3 would have been successful on many levels, but lacking on ones that are just too important to ignore. If we’d attempted a courtship, I think we would probably have been moved in together and be married/committed by now. But I’m not sure the emotional fulfillment and sexual attraction would be there. It’s not enough for me to be with someone just because the relationship is successful and prosperous by anyone else’s standards. It’s not enough to have a relationship that’s really about a business and social partnership.
I’m picky. I can afford to be. It’s my life I’m talking about.
Maybe the Ten of Cups will be behind Door #4. That is, after all, what I am attracting to me now.