Am I Glowing?
Copyrighted by Lorna Tedder. Originally published in Third Degree of Truth.
People have been staring at me all day. Men. Women. They smile, nod an acknowledgement, Â avert their eyes. Itâ€™s odd. They must see my glow.
Glowing is how I feel today. Some epiphanies have happenedÂ recently Â that Â have Â changed Â the Â way Â I Â feel aboutâ€¦everything! Not that every moment Â is like this, but for much of the past month, Iâ€™ve been feeling calm, confident, andâ€¦powerful. SometimesÂ intensely so. Itâ€™s a new Â elevation Â of sorts. Â A rebirth Â into a Â new Â frame Â of mind that has my head held high and Iâ€™m not putting up with crap from anyone (even if I do get grandly pissed at my fatherâ€™s toxicity and I still hate a certain home repair business).
I donâ€™t know if I could have gotten to this place if I still had all my old friends. I really needed to get here on my own without any helping hands inadvertently pointing me in the wrong directions, or at least, wrong for me.
Being on my own for a couple of years has been good for me. Iâ€™ve had a chance to wash out all the muck thatâ€™s stuck to me over the years Â and re-program Â myself to a large extent so that Iâ€™m not a mere reflection of the de- sires of everyone around me. Iâ€™m only now realizing how much has changed. Â After being submissive Â to my father and then Â to Â my ex, my own personalityÂ and desires are now taking center stage. Â And thatâ€™s a powerful place to be!
Itâ€™s through Â my day job that I see the changes, even though theyâ€™ve Â happened Â in all aspects Â of my life. Iâ€™m more objective about my career these days, given all the personnel cuts that are coming, so itâ€™s easier to see things.
I walked into a meeting yesterday and after five minutes, I could no longer stand it. They were just too slow, too inefficient. I couldnâ€™t stop myself. I had to interrupt a few times to get the meeting back on track. Funny, but thatâ€™s the third time this week.
A supervisor who outranks me by far came to me for help Â this Â week. Â It Â felt Â so Â oddâ€”and Â oddly Â familiarâ€” almost as if I were the supervisor giving her direction and she were the employee. It made me think of all the bosses Iâ€™ve ever had. In a few cases, the boss was a very strong woman and what she said went. But with many of my fe male Â bosses and just about all of my male bosses, Iâ€™ve had that sense of switching places. Technically, they were in charge, yet in office after office, I somehow ended up running things from behind the scenes. As in, an office of 30 people who came to me with their problems and concerns and I formulated the plan, took it to a figurehead boss, and got the official signature on it in about 5 minutes. Geez. That was almost Â daily in some places, even when I had 3 or 4 people in my office outranking me but never making a decision.
I didnâ€™t mean to. I didnâ€™t particularly Â want to. It just happened. Â In Â organization Â after Â organization. Â I Â didnâ€™t march in and take over. Yet somehow there would always come a time when the boss would toss out an idea or a requirement and Iâ€™d offer a suggestion. A good one. And then the boss would be looking at me for direction and my co-workers would be looking at me for direction and even though I was never the extrovert in the limelight, I managed things from behind the curtains. Several bosses pushed me to speak up more in meetings or be the loud- mouth extrovert Â that a superstar Â was expected Â to be. I never cared for either. I just did the work and led from off-stage.
Looking back over 20 years, itâ€™s a persistent pattern. I can see some of it from my college days, when I joined an organization and then proceeded to take it over and make it into what I wanted it to beâ€”300% growth in the first year and some major prestige points on campus.
But this epiphany, among others this week, shows me a different Â side Â of my personality that Iâ€™ve kept tamped down to the point that I didnâ€™t realize it was there. In my post-divorce singledom, Iâ€™ve been Â nurturing that side of myself. I donâ€™t go out of my way to make life Â comfort- able Â for Â everyone around Â me Â to Â my Â own Â detriment. Â I donâ€™t Â jump to return phone calls. I turn up my nose at most men because they canâ€™t offer me anything I want. I donâ€™t tell people itâ€™s okay when itâ€™s not, just so theyâ€™ll feel better about behaving badly toward me. I donâ€™t look the other way when people insult me or say something snide. Not anymore.
Being on Â my Â own Â and Â independentâ€™s Â been Â a Â good thing. Itâ€™s given the real me time to surface.
And I when I walk down the street, Â I can feel the power surge that others are starting to see.