Sitting Close to Men

Copyrighted by Lorna Tedder. Originally published in Third Degree Tilt.

I have to get these meditations  and dreams down on paper. There’s wisdom in them, if I can figure them out.

The Long-Awaited Honest-to-God Secret to Being Happy

My morning  meditation  was  long,  long,  long,  but there are two parts in particular that were intense. Both concerned sitting close to men.

In one part of the meditation, I was in someone else’s home, and it seems to have been my ex’s home. I was sit- ting on the sofa very close to this man who was a suitor or husband or something. I’m not sure what the relation- ship was except that we were sitting close and watching a movie on TV, one he’d picked out and I’d agreed  on. This seemed to be my ex as a younger man. So just as I was getting interested in the movie, he opened this news- paper wide to read it—and  it blocked  my  view  of the movie.

I asked him to move the paper over so I could see the movie and he got mad but didn’t openly show it. I told him  I thought  we  were going  to watch  the  movie  together. He put the paper down and said fine, he’d just lie there and watch the movie. I told him I just wanted to be close while we watched it.

So he reclined on this awful vinyl sofa and I thought I was going to be able to curl up beside him to watch the movie with him. But he took up most of the room and there was no room for me and when I asked him to make room for me, he just got mad but didn’t move.

Around this point he became recognizable  to me as my ex in his 40’s.

At some point after that, the girls came in and were around  though  not specifically  part  of the dream.  The girls wanted to go to this pagan  festival that was at the mall…skip to next scene…

At the mall, the girls kinda ran off and met people on their own and wandered around. I went into this open area in the center with a lot of seats facing each other and took a seat on a bench that was about 5 feet long. There was a very good-looking man in his 20’s off to my left on another bench or seat, and we chatted or said hello.

The other  person  nearest  me  was  across  from me, maybe about  6 feet away. He was 51 and gray, with a cropped gray beard, and we chatted about the events of the  day  and  the  pagan  festival.  It was  just  friendly— nothing sexual or romantic—and he was a workshop presenter  or  something.  There  were  booths  on  the outer edges of the rectangular area we were in and one was his. Gray Beard was  also some kind of announcer or deejay type or maybe radio/talk show  host, from the signs on his booth. I definitely felt I’d made a friend and this per- son could open some doors for me.

We talked about the other people there, including a female doctor with dark hair who did metaphysical  work (maybe hypnosis or with vitamins?) and had a booth next to his in an elevated  corner  of the mall.  Other people were there as teachers and still others were showing up to learn. I was there to learn and meet people who would help me in my future endeavors. Much later, when the festival started, Gray Beard got up and went to his booth.

The area where we were sitting was not crowded at all. There were people all around me and all around the mall but none were hovering or too close and there was plenty of room. Lots and lots of seats for anyone who wanted to sit  down,  though  most  people  just  milled  around  and looked at all the festival stuff that was getting set up.

I looked up and got a surprise. A man I sometimes see in my dreams had come into the seating area. He was there alone. Just showed up. We did not make eye con- tact. He was nicely dressed  in slacks, long-sleeved  shirt, and a tie. All summer colors. His hair was freshly cut, and he looked very professional but not in a suited-up sort of way.

He didn’t look at me but he sat on the bench next to me, about 2 to 3 feet away, but no more than that. He kept  his  head  tilted  purposely  toward  the  arena  and looked my way only enough to talk to introduce himself to Gray Beard across from us.

I kept expecting him to look over at me and say hello. I was positive that he’d seen me when he walked in be- cause there were so few like  minds in this area and he had to walk past me to get to the seat next to  me. He definitely  knew  I  was  there.  He  could  have  sat  any- where—in 100 different seats or not sat down at all—but he purposely sat next to me, close enough that there was not enough room for anyone else to sit between us with- out some major shuffling. Still, he didn’t openly acknowledge me. I couldn’t figure out if he was waiting to get up his courage or if he was ignoring me.

He and Gray Beard struck up a conversation  about the festival and  who all would be there. He was taking great strides not to look over at me. I kept expecting him to look up, make eye contact, and then launch into conversation with me, but he didn’t.

It was strange to have him purposely sitting so very close and almost pretending not to see me there. Except that if he really didn’t see me there, he would have looked my way instead of making such a great effort not to look. I didn’t know if it was for the benefit of others there or if he just didn’t know what to say. Every time he came close to looking  over  at me to his left, he looked off to the right at nothing, so I could see his strong jawline and the side of his face. I could feel his nervous  tension, too. I thought he was going to explode at any moment.

Still, in the dream, he purposely  sat close to me yet kept his  distance,  too. We were close enough to be in each other’s energy, but  he  wouldn’t let himself get any closer. I couldn’t understand why he  would be so close and let me know he was so close and still not  connect with me.

As the festival started, Gray Beard went to his booth and the different people when to their booths. Everyone around us was starting to get up and go look around, but he and I just sat on our bench within arms’ reach of each other, him looking off into the distance and me looking over at him, waiting for him to make eye contact. Neither one of us moved but it felt like one or both of us would at any minute.