What It Is Wednesday: The Coldness of Self-Protection
I feel ashamed at the moment. Facebook Memories are messing with me badly.
Most of those old posts that are being resurrected via FB are private/only for me, but they still pack a wallop. One “memory” turned up a few minutes ago and for a split second I was back in those mornings of waking and the nightmare startling me as the loss settled in all over again like being shot with every dawn, and of not being able to breathe and just taking it one hour at a time and latching onto faith that it would get better one day.
I realized that I’ve done such a good job of compartmentalizing a past break-up and building walls around myself to make sure not to live that scene any more that I have been a little callous toward four dear, dear friends’ more recent breakups/tragedies. In my mind, I moved them ahead in time to when their grief wasn’t so bad and to places where they’re more content now, but I wasn’t fully present with them in their pain and I rushed them toward being already healed rather than letting them heal in that way that only time can because I wanted them to be healed and happy not just for them but for me also.
It’s the exact thing I got mad at other people about when they expected me to “get over it” and “move on!” and not work through my process in my own way.
My dear ones may have thought I was compassionate, but I probably have been too selfish in some regards because I could never really let myself go “there” with them because of my own walls. I was so guarded against my own pain and fear of remembering it and immersing in it that I couldn’t allow myself to realize just how much pain they were in.
This Facebook memory tonight took me back there with just 7 words, and I have been reminded of the universality of grief and how others’ pain is no less than mine was.
I’m sorry, guys, for not being more understanding or seeming oblivious to your grief when it was so fresh to you. I really had to guard against losing myself again and while I won that battle, I do still have strips of numbness where the scars are.
Back in January 2005, I started blogging regularly at a LiveJournal site called SuperGirl@40 as part of my personal therapy to work through healing from a failed marriage…and then suddenly working through all the other crap in my life from childhood. It was a significant part of my healing journey and I shared raw emotions and “dauntless reality” with others in a small circle of new friends who were also dealing with healing from long ago and recent traumas. It was a fairly private blog–well, that privacy lasted until one of my kids mentioned it to an ex-inlaw and then I took a deep breath and watched it go public very quickly. I still write in that raw and profound way I’m known for but having healed so many of my early and frequent wounds, I don’t really write the heavy, raw, vulnerabilities like I used to. I’m committing here to bringing that back, in case you wonder if it ever really left. That means committing to putting the big, scary stuff out there.
The above post is my contribution to this week’s edition of a blog hop started by Kelley Harrell of Soul Intent Arts called “What It Is Wednesday,” which gives bloggers a chance to dauntlessly tell it like it is. You can view the inaugural post to learn more about joining in or just to read other blogs in the hop.