Blasted from the Past
Copyrighted by Lorna Tedder. Originally published in Passion to the Third Degree.
My asthma is getting better but Iâ€™m zonked. Iâ€™m in one of those moods where I donâ€™t want to sleep and donâ€™t want to be awake either.
But the water heater repairmanâ€™s come and gone, and Iâ€™ve been quietly productive, editing a book that includes journal entries of mine from a year ago. That may have been a mistake.
While there are many things Iâ€™ve let go, forgiven, moved on from, when I read certain old journal entries or writings from a specific time frame, I can easily be right back exactly where I was then emotionally. I donâ€™t know if itâ€™s just a doorway to the past or if the emotions are so infused in the words that reading them releases them all over again.
Looking back, I donâ€™t really regret any decisions Iâ€™ve made, but what I didnâ€™t expect to pop up was so much anger. I guess Iâ€™d suppressed a lot of it and didnâ€™t realize it. Having kept a healing journal for over two years, Iâ€™ve been able to see a lot of changes by going back and reading about what was going on in my life at different times and how I felt about it then.
One thing I see in re-reading my words and emotions of a year ago was how much drama was ongoing and had been for a long time. Drama that wasnâ€™t mine but I got pulled into it. Or things that werenâ€™t loaded with drama for me but became that way because of little games and power plays that kept me stirred up or upset or thinking things that werenâ€™t necessarily true…or even if they were, could be resolved. I know I became entertainment for a couple of people who liked pulling my strings. Some people really enjoyed that Iâ€™m emotional in my nature and that they could say cruel things that would make me cry, but then, Iâ€™m the one who let them get close enough to me to know exactly what it would take to devastate me. I gave them the ammunition.
That may be a difficult thing for me to overcome in any future close friendships. The idea of letting myself get close to someone with a mean streakâ€”or letting them get close to me.
Iâ€™m hoping that such a boundary isnâ€™t a very high wall that will keep me from allowing new people into my life. Iâ€™m hoping that reading old journal entries is simply a doorway into the past emotions, and that I can leave them in the past, along with people who received enjoyment from being manipulative and cruel.