Copyrighted by Lorna Tedder. Originally published in Third Degree Ebb and Flow.
What? Could I simply not maintain the sense of contentment Â that came Â in Â so Â warmly Â in Â late Â August Â and stayed through much of September, in spite of the issues with my dad, my ex, the pressures of my job?
There was still such a wonderful sense of everything being as it should be. Serenity. Calmness. Destiny.
So whatâ€™s changed?
My emotions are discordant this morning. They were last night, too. Â Not the kind of emotional response that comes with stress, and Iâ€™ll admit the job stress has been harsh but still, itâ€™s just job stress. It will pass. Itâ€™s not like the old days where I felt the world would end if I wasnâ€™t at work. Iâ€™m over that. And in my current job, itâ€™s unlikely my actions will cause someone to die or not. I really donâ€™t care to go back to that type of work and Iâ€™ll stay out of the limelight and forget the promotion interviews so I can have a real life waiting for me when I leave my desk every evening.
I was more stressed last week than I am now. Work is falling into Â place, the house repairs are evolving Â nicely, several big projects at my home office are now complete, the patio is lovely, Shannonâ€™s car is out of the shop, Iâ€™ve talked with some interesting new people online this week, the Â new Spilled Candy catalogs Â are gorgeous, Â and both girlsâ€”though terribly busy and stressedâ€”are home with me this week, even if it is only in the late evenings.
Yet now, suddenly, Iâ€™m hit with waves Â ofâ€¦sadnessand anxietyâ€¦that donâ€™t make sense. Thereâ€™s been an undercurrent of anxiety and want all weekend, just as there was the previous weekend. Just a sweet sense of longing mixed with confusion and questioning. Iâ€™ve been too focused on completing Â physical tasks to give it too much thought, but as Iâ€™m clearing out the tasks, these emotions are surfacing more strongly.
The tough thing is, Iâ€™m not sure if theyâ€™re mine. Usually, I can Â distinguishâ€”sometimes Â after a day or twoâ€” and pass them through and Â Iâ€™m fine. Thatâ€™s easy to tell when my emotions bounce all over the place, Â changing moods five times in an hour. Itâ€™s not so easy when they settle in.
I know that theyâ€™re about me, but I donâ€™t know if the emotions originated from within. I sat and cried last night for a minute or two, for no reason, and it stirred me to search for other things in my office that dredged up tenderhearted Â thoughts Â of Â my Â own. Â The Â more Â I Â think through this, work through this, the more I feel that these emotions arenâ€™t my ownâ€”though Iâ€™ll agree that the impatience is most definitely mine, if not an emotion I share. But the rest of this feels more likeâ€¦almost Â there, Â canâ€™t do anything yet, must be sure, the moment must be right, I canâ€™t screw up again, I want but I fear. Just deep longing and wistfulnessâ€¦and paralysis.
Thereâ€™s Â a Â scene Â in Â one Â of Â the Â old Â Buffy Â episodes where Drusilla has dumped Spike (my favorite, and not just for the leather coat or abs). Heâ€™s in denial that heâ€™s in love Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â withÂ Â Â Â Buffy, butÂ Â Â Â Â Drusillaâ€”the Â Â Â Â Â psychic-turned- vampireâ€”knows the truth, even if he Â doesnâ€™t. She tells Spike Â that Â Buffy Â is Â all Â around Â him. Â Not Â physically, Â of course, but there in the Ether around him. I recognize that sensation.
Thatâ€™s how this feels.
I wonder if, when one person thinks about another, they are Â somehow Â present Â in the Ether, all around the other Â person, Â and Â that Â person Â is Â drawn Â to Â being Â all around the first.