Failure to Heal
Copyrighted by Lorna Tedder. Originally published in Third Degree Curves.
â€œSome people canâ€™t be healed.â€
I re-read the statement Â from a friend who moved a year ago. I Â donâ€™t Â want to believe that, but it resonates, perhaps because yesterday Â I Â heard an NPR story about terminally ill children and some of the medical practices pursued to the point of arrogance Â and the difficulties of medical and chaplain staffs to deal with the reality. So to- day, it resonates.
Accepting that some people canâ€™t be healed is like failing, I think. Or feeling like accepting failure.
Some people donâ€™t get a lot of help in the deep healing process Â because Â their support Â system Â really doesnâ€™t want them to change. If they heal, and change, and grow, and transform, then their supporters will find that theyâ€™re vastly Â different Â from Â what Â attracted Â them Â in Â the Â first place. Â To Â find Â healing, Â they Â sometimes Â have Â to Â clean house completely and we tend to grab for anything thatâ€™s familiar, Â even Â if Â itâ€™s Â miserable, Â rather Â than Â launch Â into new territory.
I want to believe that most people can be healed, particularly when itâ€™s emotional wounds, but Iâ€™m coming to the conclusion that my friend is right. Some people canâ€™t be healed.
To be healed, they have to realize first that there is a wound. Otherwise, their patterns repeat the injury or tear open the old one. Then they have to take action to heal it. That requires actively Â wanting Â to heal Â the wound, Â and some people would rather not look at it or theyâ€™d prefer to keep licking it because they like its flavor.
But maybe some wounds canâ€™t be healed. We donâ€™t know until we try. And some of us try longer or harder than others, and for some of us, it just takes more time.
Iâ€™m asked how long Iâ€™ll keep a healing journal. Â Iâ€™ve kept it for 20 months now, and itâ€™s done far more than I ever expected it to. It started on the advice of a counselor about Â 6 Â weeks Â after Â my Â divorce Â finalized. Â Sharing Â my healing experiences Â and my self-discoveries Â with friends in similar situations. A chance to look back later and see how far Iâ€™d come.
Initially, I worked out many of the darknesses related to my marriage and divorce, but in the process, I started digging deep to look at differentÂ patterns in my life and one by one, clearing them out. Things still bubble up occasionally Â and Â likely Â always Â will. Â You Â donâ€™t Â spend Â half your life with someone and get over it in a day or two though after being on my own for a couple of years, I can have conversations now that donâ€™t include anything to do with my ex or anything that happened in Â our Â years together. I acknowledge Â that little things will continue Â to bubble Â up Â every Â now Â and Â then. Â Things Â Iâ€™d Â forgotten. Things I hadnâ€™t realized. But the biggies are all gone. That feels really good, free.
In the process, Iâ€™ve worked on healing far more than just issues related to my divorce. Iâ€™ve actively gone back to look at all (as many as possible) the things that had an effect on my self-esteem and my beliefs. Actively worked to reprogram out the doormatness,Â the people-pleasing at the Â price Â of Â my Â own Â needs/wants/visions, Â and Â just downright reclaiming myself.
The epiphanies have come fast and hard at times. The most recent one, this week, has been the need to take my
business back to my original vision. I hadnâ€™t realized Iâ€™d let the vision Â get muddled up to satisfy so many other people and that was blocking Â where Â I wanted to go. I donâ€™t blame them. The muddling was usually done for all the right reasons and out of love. I marched straight into it Â and just realized this week that the business decisions Iâ€™ve made that have brought the most pain were well out- side my vision. So Iâ€™m in the midst of a restructure to re- claim that vision, too, because in doing so, Iâ€™m reclaiming a huge chunk of myself. I have M. R. Sellars to thank for some Â of Â these Â insights Â and Â I Â appreciate Â his Â sharingâ€¦ though he probably has no clue what he said that made the light bulb go off for me.
I dropped Â a couple Â of relationships Â thisÂ week, Â too. But Â I Â wonâ€™t Â be Â eager Â to Â replace Â them. Â I Â realized Â that something in my personality Â as Â a people-pleasing Â code- pendent has been a magnet for certain types Â of Â people, and I donâ€™t care for any repeats. Not everyoneâ€™s that way, not by any means, but thereâ€™s a particular pattern that Iâ€™m breaking. Iâ€™m open to new friendships Â and relationships, but I will Â cultivate Â ones Â with Â positive Â people Â who Â are spiritual, creative, and nurturing.
At about Â the Â same Â time Â this Â week, Â the Â matter Â was about intuition and confirmationâ€”an issue for me thatâ€™s been Â outstanding for several years. But Iâ€™ve got it now. Iâ€™m good with it. My Â intuition is dead-on, and I finally know it, really know it.
So this leaves me with two items to work through that Iâ€™m aware of. One Iâ€™m dealing with right now. The other will be resolved any day now. Maybe tonight. Maybe this weekend.
And when that happens, Iâ€™ll end my healing journal and declare myself healed.