Working Through: Moving the Earth
Copyrighted by Lorna Tedder. Originally published in Third Degree Tilt.
Thursday morning, driving to work.
I feel like The Weather Channel.Â Â I change my mind â€œon the eights.â€ At this rate, Iâ€™ll become a candidate for â€œStorm Storiesâ€ or some other disaster.
I donâ€™t know what is going on with me this week. I am never this indecisive. Â Ever.
Iâ€™ll make decisions based on gut instinct and Iâ€™ll make decisions where I have to wait for something else to hap- pen, but once I make my mind up, thatâ€™s it. And yet, when it comes to the prospect of getting into a romantic relationship with Â a new man, I now waffle by the hour, and sometimes… often times…more than once or twice in the hour.
This week has been at its worst. Â The only times Iâ€™ve had this happen before, itâ€™s been gone in a dayâ€¦48 hours max, and only once every 3 months is it more than a blip on my radar.
Because of the work Iâ€™m doing now in my office, Iâ€™m suddenly encountering a lot more men at work. Â Yes, oodles of them married but quite a few of them are single and actively looking for…well…not necessarily a Â relation- ship and I think the term â€œintimacyâ€ might be a misnomer.
As of today, I have turned down two more men who wanted to Â meet Â for drinks Â this weekâ€”both Â nice, Â early 30s, one single, one divorced. I wouldnâ€™t Â mind Â being friends with either or both of them but thatâ€™s really not the purpose of getting together for drinks with them and theyâ€™ve made that very obvious.Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â They, like me, have a limited amount of time and if theyâ€™re looking for Â a Â romantic liaison, why waste it on somebody who isnâ€™t going to … liaise.Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â But the invitation comes from them and I think for little while after that maybe I really should get out Â and Â see Â what Â happens Â with Â them…one…or Â both… probably separately.
Ten minutes Â later, Â Iâ€™m Â reminding Â myself Â that Â there really isnâ€™t a spark there with either man in spite of several conversations.Â Â And minutes later Iâ€™m thinking, well, you know, maybe it could turn into something eventually or maybe one of the so-so guys will grow on me. Ten minutes later, Iâ€™m asking why I would ever settle for letting someone grow on meâ€”not that letting some- one grow on me is a bad idea but Iâ€™d like to start from enthusiasm and go up instead of from ho-hum and endure.
Ah, this does nothing for my decision and indecision. I still donâ€™t know. I guess the big difference in dating the second time around is that Iâ€™ve been around long enough now to know what I want and to know it when I see it.
To borrow a clichÃ©, not one of these new men sweeps me off my feet.
Iâ€™m sure thereâ€™s a lesson in all this and Iâ€™m not sure yet whatÂ it Â is.Â Â Maybe Â itâ€™s Â patience Â and Â perseverance, Â or maybe itâ€™sÂ Â take whateverÂ you can get, however you can get it. Â I donâ€™t know ultimately what my decision will be.
Hmmm, I do think Â all this Â ties Â back Â to Â thisÂ grand sense of Â change and of prepare, prepare, prepare. I just donâ€™t Â know Â how Â yet, Â but thereâ€™s Â a Â connection Â to Â it. There is a huge change Â coming Â in my life, and not to sound anti-feminist, but I think the catalyst for it will be a man and my relationship with him. Â I feel it coming.
Like a tremor in the earth.
Yeah. Â Yeah, someone whoâ€™s going to make the earth move for me.