Copyrighted by Lorna Tedder. Originally published in Third Degree Burn.
This hurricane has stirred up a lot. Anxieties about future hurricanes after such strong ones this early in the season. Dust and other pollutants. Emotions.
I wonâ€™t look at the next â€œinterestingâ€ tropical waves heading this way, at least not for a couple more days. Please, I need a break from the media frenzy! And Iâ€™ll take something for my allergy-induced headache and keep working on cleaning up the yards and taking down the protective Xâ€™s on the windows.
But itâ€™s the unexpected emotions I have to deal with right now. Something about the force of Mother Nature and the age-old Man vs Â Nature Â themeâ€”in which Man should almost always rightfully lose, Â regardless of how Manâ€™s winning makes for a good story. Such mighty Â forces whirling through the air and the realization of the essentials of Â Maslowâ€™s Hierarchy of Needs and wham, you start looking at whatâ€™s important in your life. You also spend some time reflecting on where you are in life and whether youâ€™re happy with it.
Back home, tired, mostly done with the cleanup and just waiting for an insurance adjustor to pass judgment on the viability of the roof, Iâ€™m extremely thankful to have electricity and air conditioning in the heat and humidity. And Iâ€™m glad that I took the time to cut the prettiest blooms from my rose garden so I could enjoy them instead of raking up wind-beaten petals from the grass. A half-dozen vases Â of roses I grew myself fill the kitchen countertop and a couple of Â altars, Â including the one where a black candle burns for a friend of mine who needed a little boost of protection.
I keep looking at the roses, inhaling their scent, and feeling a little bittersweet after the excitement of the hurricane. My gardenâ€™s a little skimpier now, but inside the house, itâ€™s warmly lit and pretty with the flowers everywhere. Still, Iâ€™m wondering if the Â successes Â Iâ€™d Â been Â hoping Â for Â have Â all Â stalled Â out. Â Life moves so fast sometimes, and yet, some of Â the things I most want donâ€™t seem to take root and grow. Projects and relation- ships are the focus of my own emotional cyclone. Some of them simply canâ€™t be, no matter how much I favor them. I just havenâ€™t let go of them and, even though I know itâ€™s just going to hurt more the longer I wait, Iâ€™m still reluctant.
I have to stop wishing other people and beloved projects into Â my life. If theyâ€™re meant to be there, they will be. I canâ€™t make those Â decisions for them. Looks like Iâ€™m not even supposed Â to Â invite Â them Â to Â do Â so, Â based Â on Â what Â Iâ€™ve Â just learned about myself.
In my efforts to clear out all my issues and make room for Â good Â relationshipsâ€”both Â personal Â and Â artisticâ€”I Â have spent Â far Â too Â many Â nights Â looking Â at Â personality Â profiles Â in hopes of understanding myself Â better, shedding the dysfunctions I grew up with, and healing from bad Â relationships and broken dreams. I donâ€™t want to haul baggage into future Â relationships, and thereâ€™s still something somewhere I must address before I can move on. So I look at Myers-Briggs, astrology, psycho-geometrics, Â and a host of other tools to examine my psychological make-up. Personality? Iâ€™ve got lots of them. Whether Iâ€™m an INFJ or a squiggle or a double Pisces with five Aquarian planets, each one shows me a slightly different facet to examine and clear out.
In the past month, Iâ€™ve discovered two new models that interest me. Robert Campâ€™s Cards of Destiny are most closely related to astrology but has some Tarot and numerology elements as well. Iâ€™ve found it to be as dead-on as my favorite astrologer and Tarot readers. Of course, Iâ€™m right now enduring under the â€œsacrificeâ€ card, so maybe that explains the constant tests of the past month or so. Maybe it is finally time to sacrifice that project Iâ€™ve wanted for years to do and admit that itâ€™ll never see the light of publication, no matter how much Iâ€™ve lusted after Â it in my heart and for how many years. Maybe itâ€™s time, too, to throw away my cell phone and stop talking to faces Iâ€™ll never again see in person. Maybe Iâ€™ll just throw that sucker on top of my little black candle bonfire and disconnect myself from further pain.
The other model that has offered some interesting in- sights is the Human Design where â€œscience meets magick.â€ In my continuing hermitage, my journey toward self-discovery, this one hits hard and close to bone like no other profiling system has. According to this model, Iâ€™m a â€œprojector.â€ Apparently, Iâ€™m a wonderful guide and teacher for other people. I strategize and come up with terrific ideas that almost never fail for others. No one questions the value of my brainstorming for other people. I use my intellect, my logic, my analysisâ€”my ideas work so well for others.
For me, for decisions for my own life, Iâ€™m not supposed to plan and use my head, according to the model. Iâ€™m supposed to go with my gut, rely on my emotions. You know, all the big no-noâ€™s Iâ€™ve heard all my life. Â After all, my strategizing works wonders for friends, co-workers, even strangers who chat it up at the salad bar. Iâ€™m an idea-a-minute when it comes to helping other people find solutions and Iâ€™m a damned good counselor, all using logic and analysis.
And yet for me, the same attempts are more likely to fail. Every time I use my logic and analysis to plan for my own life, it fails. If I initiate a relationship, Iâ€™m left disappointed be- cause if I do the inviting, Iâ€™m always dismissed or ignored. Ac- cording to this model.
So is it true? Yes.
Definitely in my artistic career, every time I tried to write something â€œfor the marketâ€ or whatever suited the editors at the time instead Â of waiting for their invitation or going after the book of my heart.
Certainly in my relationships. I think back now on the love affairs and friendships I initiated and how I ended up disappointed and sometimes bitter and how hard Iâ€™m trying to let go of that baggage now. Maybe it was because they didnâ€™t like a woman taking the initiative. Maybe it was because I was too caring about their hurts and fears and I made things too easy for them so they didnâ€™t have to work at a relationship. Maybe they just never were really all that interested in the first place. Maybe I made really bad choices and picked men who werenâ€™t available, emotionally or otherwise, whether I knew it or not at the time.
Iâ€™m not sure why, except that the one common factor was that I invited them all into my life. I donâ€™t think any of them really invited me into their lives and never really let me in. I had only a small part of them whereas they had all of me and willingly.
According to the model, Iâ€™m supposed to be patient (ha!) and wait to be invited into someoneâ€™s life. It goes against what I want to do, Â to Â make life happen and go after what I want. It feels passive and forgotten and thrown away to have to wait for someone elseâ€™s whim. Then Â again, my invitations ex- tended to others havenâ€™t worked and Iâ€™ve ended up feeling the futility of the situation, something exceptionally hard for the girl who doesnâ€™t generally give up.
But giving up is something I have to figure out how to do. I have to stop doing the inviting. No more extending invitations or extending myself, according to this model. If someoneâ€™s invested enough in the possibility of a relationship to want to be in my life, then Iâ€™ll receive his invitation. If heâ€™s not interested enough to invite me in, then thereâ€™s no point anyway.
Iâ€™d like to ignore the model, but itâ€™s eating at me. My heart seems set on the impossible these days, and every time I take the initiative Â and reach for the phone, all I can think is, what the hell am I doing to myself?
Be it men I adore or editors I ponder, I can no longer bear the Â silences. My hurricane-frayed nerves are tired of the trickle of communication.
Iâ€™m shutting off my phone.