This Is What Iâ€™ve Been Missing ?
Copyrighted by Lorna Tedder. Originally published in Third Degree Burn.
Mary and I had agreed that weâ€™d both seen the souls of men in Â our lives, but we were wrong. Maybe weâ€™d felt their souls. Or maybe Â weâ€™d just wanted to believe they had really opened up at some point and let us see inside to their core to something so deep and unknown and Â enticing. Seeing some- oneâ€™s soul was probably more metaphorical than anything else.
At a larger-than-usual Gathering at my house, my guests have split into three groups after dinner. Some are hanging out in the office, listening Â to Type O-Negative and another Goth band I like. Some are outside, gazing at the Full Moon, though itâ€™s far too hot for a bonfire. Mary and Ymaldowyn have finally stopped messing with the dinner dishes in the Â kitchen (typical moms that they are!) and are hanging out in the family Â room with me under the pyramid. Weâ€™re discussing men who have touched us deeply in a spiritual and emotional sense, and Iâ€™m mostly quiet as I sit and play with my dowsing rods. Truth be told, Iâ€™m feeling a little left out, a little untouched.
My male friends at work think we women gather to talk about the size of menâ€™s packages but this is far less mundane. I guess weâ€™re biologically damned to discuss our emotional interests moreso than the physical ones. In this case, they intersect.
Mary is both troubled and curious by something that happened Â in Â a Â lovemaking Â session Â with Â her Â new Â husband. Theyâ€™ve seen a startling flash of light in each otherâ€™s eyes, a narrowing slit of light from the pupils. Almost like snake eyes and then gone.
â€œOh, yeah,â€ Â Ymaldowyn Â chimes Â in. Â â€œThat Â was Â your souls.â€
Mary jerks her head up. â€œReally.â€
Me, I stop playing with my dowsing rods as Mary explains in detail what she saw in her loverâ€™s eyes. But I say nothing. My mind is racing. Iâ€™m remembering something Iâ€™ve tried to ignore because, like Mary, I didnâ€™t understand it.
â€œYou know how they say that the eyes are the window to your Â soul?â€ Ymaldowyn asks Mary. â€œWell, they are. Youâ€™ve just shown each other your souls.â€
Mary nods, her jaw open. Sheâ€™s taking in every word, and I can see her mind churning and working through the idea of it.
Ymaldowyn, Â who Â considers Â herself Â something Â of Â a prude when it comes to sex and intimate moments, turns to me for help. â€œYou know what I mean, Lorna.â€ Then, in response to my silence, â€œLorna? Youâ€™ve seen it, too, right?â€
I canâ€™t say anything. I know there have been times when my daughters have commented on my eyes suddenly changing, becoming an Â intense and incredible blue. An unnatural color, Iâ€™ve been told. With a strange flash in them. Not just a sparkle, but a flash like lightning. Always in moments of spiritual passion or during an emotionally intense memory I Â donâ€™t share with them. Iâ€™ve had lovers comment on seeing it in my eyes, too, but Iâ€™ve never seen it in anyone else. Butâ€¦but thisâ€¦.
â€œLorna!â€ Ymaldowynâ€™s full attention is on me. â€œDidnâ€™t you ever see this with your ex? Even once in two decades?â€
I shake my head. He never opened his soul enough for me to peek inside.
â€œWhat about some boyfriend in college? Maybe a lover who was really special?â€
Again, I shake my head. Itâ€™s a connection thatâ€™s failed me, one I Â innately knew existed but never experienced with a lover, in or out of bed.
By now, itâ€™s Ymaldowyn whoâ€™s shaking her head. â€œYou mean to tell me youâ€™ve never seen the eyes flash like that? Ever? Not with any of the men youâ€™ve loved? Not even in the most passionate moments?â€
She turns to Mary. â€œAnd this is the first time youâ€™ve seen it?â€
Mary nods, still trying to absorb it all. Her husband is
not the first long-term relationship in her life or even the first passionate one.
â€œI donâ€™t believe this,â€ Ymaldowyn murmurs. â€œI mean, you are both very sensual women and neither of you have seen this before.â€
â€œNo.â€ Then I bite my lip and confess Iâ€™ve seen some- thing that might be what she means. But it wasnâ€™t with a lover and I havenâ€™t seen the man since. Yet it disturbed me enough that Iâ€™ll never forget what I saw. I just was not sure of what I was seeing, and it was too easy to find excuses for what it was and imagine I hadnâ€™t really seen it. Maybe a trick of light in the late afternoon. Maybe something I was drinking. Maybe I was simply too tired or needed my eyes checked. It was too freaky- weird for me to accept as ordinary, exactly as Mary was doing now in bringing up the subject of flashing eyes to Ymaldowyn and me.
It happened almost two months ago, at a party over Memorial Day weekend. I sat on the patio with a couple of friends and several strangers and tried not to spill a wine spritzer on my no-fluffy-bunnies Â T-shirt. Iâ€™d been nursing my cup for at least an hour and didnâ€™t consider myself under the influence of alcohol, but I was definitely relaxed and happy. Iâ€™d propped my bare feet up on another chair and leaned back to talk with Jeaneen, who was sitting closest to me.
One of the men at the party took a quick dip in the pool and then Â joined us on the patio, water still dripping from his hair. He didnâ€™t sit Â near Â us. He chose a spot 20 feet away and leaned against the wall, a little tired, a little sad, a little wistful. We said hello, and as he sat there, he Â turned just his head to look at us. Jeaneen was speaking, but he wasnâ€™t looking directly at her but beyond her. His gaze caught mine, just for a split second, as we acknowledged each other.
In that split second, his eyes morphed, his pupils dilating and Â lengthening into slits of light against a background of the oddest aqua/emerald-green. His eyes seemed to glow for a moment, like Â something alien or maybe even reptilian. The color was so intense that it seemed I was looking at a black and white picture with spots of color painting only his eyes.
It unnerved me. Unable to bear the brightness of the aqua/emerald-green, I glanced away. Someone else joined us on the patio and when I looked up again, his eyes had returned to their normal color.
Iâ€™m still not sure of what I saw, though Ymaldowyn and Maryâ€™s experiences hint to me that itâ€™s an experience thatâ€™s not completely Â unheard of. Maybe it was his soul he was showing me. Maybe he trusted me enough to let me see it.
But at the time, I had the sense of Deity staring back at me through his eyes.