Chapter 28
Transiting Saturn Conjunct the Chaos Witch’s Natal Saturn
“Me? Why? Did I do something to her? I don’t think I’ve ever met her.”
“You’ve seen her or maybe met her, but she wasn’t important at the time. Or maybe other things were more important. You might have said hello when you passed in a parking lot. That kind of thing. She’s been in your sphere for a while. Maybe the last year. Definitely the last six months. But this Queen of Cups, reversed, is your clue to who she is, and the seventh memory points you to her.”
“How?”
All seven cards arranged in a slight arc on the floor. Christabel leaves the last card, the upside-down woman admiring a large chalice from the comfort of her throne, overturned. The other six cards remain face down.
Christabel smiles up at me. “You haven’t been to me for a reading at the healing center in a long time. I’ve gotten really good at this, and my spirit guides are full partners in my readings now. When I was shuffling, they told me to choose seven cards, and that each card’s position in this casting would represent something different.” She taps the first card. “You know how in the Celtic Cross—the layout almost every Tarot reader uses—tells you what’s in the recent past, the near future, the challenge, the basis of the question, the outcome, et cetera?”
“Of course. Each position here holds similar meanings?”
“Nope. Not even close. They’re related to your memory bubbles. When we’re done, you’ll have a picture. Maybe a few pieces missing or blurry, but you’re getting a lot of supernatural help. They love you on the other side, you know? Now think back to your first memory bubble.”
“Um, okay. It was a childhood memory of a wannabe friend kicking over something I’d built, something precious to me and to my real friends.”
Christabel flips the card and nods. “The Moon Card. This position represents the core reason for the circumstances. It’s jealousy. This person didn’t really want to destroy what you’d built. She wanted it for herself. When she couldn’t have it, she was willing to destroy it rather than let you have the pleasures of life that she wanted.”
Slowly, I nod. I assume this revelation would make more sense if I knew the full identity of this other witch.
“This next card, it represents your second memory bubble.” She turns the card. “This position represents a contributing reason for the circumstances. It’s the Four of Pentacles in this deck. Other decks would show it as the Four of Coins or the Four of Shields or something else that represents the element of earth or the concept of stability or manifestation. This card’s about ownership.”
I pull my bottom lip between my teeth as I sort through the memories. “A childhood frenemy pushed me off a slide that she claimed was hers to play on. My clothes ripped, and I realized later that I’d sprained my ankle in the fall.”
“Are you seeing the pattern? You wanted to know why. This is the why. This other witch was jealous of what you had and wanted it to be hers. If she couldn’t have it, neither could you. That’s why she created the servitor to make your life hell. It’s a fire-and-forget weapon, and she doesn’t have to put any more of her energy into it because it will feed off of your failures to destroy it until it destroys you. Every mistake you make, it grows stronger.”
“But who would do—”
Christabel points to the seventh card. “The drama queen.”
“But I don’t know who she is!”
Turning over the card in the third position, Christabel raises an eyebrow and looks up at me from the floor. “This position represents the obstacle. It’s what’s keeping you from figuring out who she is.”
From my position on the sofa, the card looks like someone sneaking across a field with an armload of swords. “My third memory is of my boss’ wife when I was in college. She got soaked in a thunderstorm, so I gave her a ride home, way off the beaten path. My car leaked a few droplets on her. She pretended to be my friend and be grateful for the ride and getting her out of the storm, but instead she got me in trouble with my boss. She was mad at him for her getting drenched but took it out on me.”
“That makes sense. The Seven of Swords is about deception. This witch is pretending to be something she’s not. Or maybe outright lying and now the lie has become the truth. To her, at least.”
This is the part that’s so hard for me. Someone has been actively deceiving me, and I don’t know who it is—and that makes me paranoid. I can’t help but question the loyalty and veracity of everyone I know. No matter how long I’ve known them or loved them, I really don’t know if I might be pouring my heart out to a witch determined to destroy everything I love and then me.
No wonder the servitor is growing stronger. What a vicious kind of magick! The more I doubt myself and the more I doubt my friends, every doubt feeds the thought-form. I can’t defeat it until I know who sent it because its weapon against me is my own self-doubt. I can’t trust my instincts. I can’t trust my friends. So I isolate myself even more.
For all I know, the chaos witch is Christabel, and this reading is meant to sow more doubt and misdirection.
Christabel frowns as if she can hear my inner dialogue. “Let’s look at the fourth position. This card represents the current situation. Where you are now because this magick being wielded against you. Think about your fourth memory bubble.”
She flips the card. A large valentine-style heart pierced by three swords.
“Um, okay. Thinking. I was at a Grand Coven event with Dragon, and this High Priestess called Zephyr gave me what she called a ‘life reading’ using a scrying mirror. I don’t remember much about the reading except for this bubble that popped up out of nowhere. I’d completely forgotten everything she’d said to me. She told me I’d be married three times and that my second husband would bring me both great joy and great pain. I don’t remember anything else she said. It’s like the entire reading has been wiped from my memory.”
Christabel clears her throat. “I have a feeling this Zephyr-person might help you.”
“Is she… the one?”
“No, I don’t get that feeling. I can sense her chi when you talk about her, and it’s way different from the drama queen’s energy. But what she told you does fit your current situation with Dr. Jesse. I’ve never seen you happier than when I’ve seen the two of you together. That’s your present, not your past or future. He may be gone, but you’re totally wrapped up in all the good times with him and the contrast between then and a future without him hurts you so much.” She taps the card once. “Three of swords. It’s about betrayal. Heartbreak.”
I haul in a deep breath and hold it longer than normal before releasing it. When I think of Jesse and all we had together, it hurts to breathe. I miss him. Short of selling my soul to a devil I don’t believe in, I’d do almost anything to have him back.
Christabel gives me a moment, and I’m grateful. She asks if I’m ready to continue and gives me time to breathe. My migraine is gone, but I’m exhausted, and I can think of a dozen reasons why.
“This next card’s position represents the advice from this reading. What was your fifth memory?”
Mandy. The red sweater. “My middle school science teacher was conducting an experiment about memory. Mine was better than my classmates. Enough that I was the only one who was one hundred percent right.”
“Trust your memories.” She flips the card. A robed man at an altar. “The Magician Card. You have all the tools you need to resolve this situation. You have power, skills, and allies who can help you, but it’s not enough to have the tools. You have to be able to use them and willing to use them. Your friend Zephyr can help if you can find her.” She clears her throat. “Nana says.”
“I don’t think that’s possible after all this time. It’s weird how I have such a good memory except when it comes to Lady Zephyr.”
“It’s not you. Your memory is fine, but a little blocked, maybe. She uses ‘forgetting spells’ to keep herself shielded for her own protection. Still, it would be worth your while to find her.”
I shrug. I have no idea how to connect with the lost priestess from the Grand Coven.
Christabel traces the borders of the sixth card in the arc. “So this next card is your sixth memory bubble. The position represents the challenge or potential situation if you can’t resolve the current situation. It’s what will most likely happen next if you can’t answer the current challenge. Not the final outcome, but something to be aware of. If we know the next stop on a particular path, we still have time to take a different path.”
“It’s… uh… it’s—” I struggle to organize the unbidden memories. “It was after my divorce from Quent. Right before I married Jesse. I think I told you about it. I was planting flowers and broke a sprinkler pipe. It was nothing. But I completely lost my shit. Like curled-up-in-a-ball-and-sobbing lost-my-shit.”
“And that’s what’s waiting for you next if you can’t pull yourself together. You’re still grieving Dr. Jesse. Actually, you’re grieving more than just him, and you’re walking the edge of a cliff.” She turns the card face-up and frowns down at the woman with a lion, upside-down. “The Strength Card, reversed. The energy of the Strength Card is blocked. This is lingering trauma that goes back to your ex but even farther back to your childhood. If you don’t find a way to deal with what happened to Dr. Jesse, you’ll go right back to that out-of-control feeling you had when you broke the pipe. Even the smallest thing will be insurmountable. Miss Lauren, have you tried reaching out to Dr. Jesse? You know, through ritual?”
Hot tears sting my eyes. I don’t hide them. “I reached out a lot at first. I haven’t in weeks, though. It seems pointless. I can talk to the higher selves of the living, to the spirits of the dead, to angelic beings, and maybe occasionally an alien race on my Ouija board, but every time I reach out to Jesse, it’s… muffled. Blurry. I can’t reach him.”
“Don’t get mad when I ask this, but have you done the releasing ritual for him?”
“No!” The word comes out louder than I intended. More softly, I add, “No, Christabel. I-I’m not ready to release him. The ritual is kinda pointless if I’m not.”
She presses her lips into a thin line. “He’s not ready to release you either, if that makes a difference.” She shoots me a quick smile. “Nana says.”
With my elbow, I push off the sofa cushions for a better look at the rainbow of cards. I see it now. A woman who wanted what I had with Jesse, who thought he was hers because her astrology charts told her their synastry was powerful, who hid herself away so I couldn’t confront her, who nurtured a lie until it became the truth, who can be defeated through my own magick. The only thing missing is her identity. Still.
Christabel thumbs three more cards from the deck, leaving them upside down. “My guides are telling me you have a different outcome now that you’ve heard this reading and will adjust your course. Interested?”
I smile weakly. “You have to ask?
Christabel answers with a full-throated laugh. “Be glad that the outcome has changed. I was worried about that reversed Strength Card.”
She turns all three cards and studies them. “The High Priestess. That’s your intuition. You are a High Priestess, even if you’ve been too side-tracked lately to act like it. Take your power back.”
Her fingertip moves to the second of the three cards. “The Death Card. This is the end of how things have been. It’s a new beginning. Maybe you’ll even start up another healing circle out back at your fire pit, and maybe you’ll take me on as a new Initiate.” She winks. “I even—this is weird. I see you dancing around a bonfire with a man. He’s a powerful witch. You’re going to have a High Priest to your High Priestess.”
“I don’t have the inner strength to start a new circle or take on students. And I honestly don’t know of any powerful male witches around here who could help me out. My own energy is murky and not something I want to pass along to—”
“Oh, not right away! Miss Lauren, right now, it’s all about survival. You have to survive and have your own foundation on firm ground before you can help others. It’s the oxygen mask analogy, one of my spirit guides says. Put on your oxygen mask first before you help someone else put their mask on.”
She holds up the last card. “The Fool Card. The outcome is all about starting over. This means a new journey, a new start. Weird, isn’t it? It seems like life is a constant stream of new beginnings.”
I stare at her. She’s right. And if I ever thought my forties would mean the beginning of a mature and solid future with all my plans outlined in detail, I couldn’t have been more wrong.
You’re reading Rite of Letting Go free, right here in the Library. Want a copy to keep on your Kindle or e-reader? Buy the e-book direct from me →
© 2023 Lorna Tedder. All rights reserved. Free to read here — please don’t repost elsewhere.