Copyrighted by Lorna Tedder. Originally published in Third Degree and Rising.
I rarely feel I have to explain myself to anyone anymore but sometimes it’s easier to say it once and just be done with it rather than being continually annoyed with questions and personal opinions by people who think they have to give one or they’re not living up to the code of friendship or family. I’m not sure why people are so excited when I show any interest in anyone new, but I’ve decided I’ll keep the next man of any interest a complete secret from anyone and everyone until I’ve been seeing him for at least six months. And maybe even then!
It’s more important to me, really, to explain me to me, especially when I’m not so sure of the reasons myself.
When I’m in a relationship or even on the fringes of one, I don’t talk much about it publicly in my journal. I’ve talked quite a bit about past relationships because there was a lot of healing to work through and that was the purpose of my journal. Any current or ongoing relationships don’t really get discussed (I’m not in one now, anyway) or if they do get discussed to the extent that I need to journal my way through an issue, it’s in such a way that no one would know who I’m referring to or exactly what the situation is. I change the details enough even close friends ask if I’m talking about someone else, and the men I date don’t read my journal anyway and couldn’t care less. The fact that they’re not interested in what I have to say is another reason I’m not in an ongoing relationship. If I were, I’d hope my guy was interested enough in my opinions to want to read them every now and then and maybe discuss them further in the seclusion of my arms.
So the questions that are annoying me are along the lines of “Why aren’t you seeing (The Gemini) anymore?”
A simple explanation that I’m just not attracted to him doesn’t do any good with people who’ve seen a picture of him and none of my friends ever met the guy. Yeah, he’s a lot younger and hot and probably lives in the gym, but I really don’t feel any chemistry with him and just can’t get excited about him. Hence I’m not seeing him anymore. My choice.
And then comes the next question: “Not excited about him? Good God, woman, why not?!”
That’s the question I’ve been struggling with. I enjoyed our conversations very much. Nothing wrong with that. He’s quite attractive physically. My friends drool over his picture. Seriously. Even my elder daughter did a double-take. Yet I didn’t feel enough chemistry with him to allow a kiss. Yeah, I admit it. It’s been bothering me why I’m not attracted to him. I’ve even wondered if my libido was slipping and hey, maybe it’s not possible anymore to find a man attractive if this guy didn’t do it for me. Maybe I’ve suddenly reached an age where men bore me physically….
Nah.
So what’s wrong?!
I think I pinpointed it. Finally. We’d had quite a few conversations before we went out and about an hour into our first date, we ended up talking about the Law of Attraction. He was familiar with all the same texts, went through daily affirmations, definitely knew the lingo. I was happy to have someone to talk to on that level, though a little disappointed that he was focusing mostly on attracting money and neglecting some of the other possibilities that I consider part of prosperity.
He told me that he’s using the Law of Attraction to make his first million and some of his business schemes. All good. He’ll hit his goal around the end of this year, and he just started in February, right before we met.
Good, right? Lots to talk about, some ideas in common.
Then he mentioned something that was a turning point in our very brief relationship. He’d spent the previous ten years running up massive debts, to the point that he declared bankruptcy because he could not even begin to pay them back. Amazingly, he was angry at his creditors for wanting their due. He felt now that he’d been legally absolved of his debts resulting from wanton spending habits (not from medical or legal disasters befalling him but from living it up more than he could repay) that he “doesn’t owe anybody anything.” In fact, because he no longer legally owes (he didn’t mention morally) any debts, he’s now free to make his million this year. He gets a cosmic do-over financially. He has no remorse, no regrets. Just venom for the creditors who won’t continue to do business with him after he stiffed them out of several hundred thousand in court.
Yeah, and I still have a mortgage, pay my bills and stay out of debt as much as possible. Always have. Wrong person to tell this to. Especially the wrong person to brag to.
He told me point blank that he didn’t care who got stuck with his old debts. He finally had a chance to get rich and he couldn’t pass it up.
If I had to pinpoint it, I’d guess that this was the moment where everything soured and what was already a bland attraction for him turned to none at all. Nothing he did after that could make me excited about him. It wasn’t that he’d declared bankruptcy—that happens to good people sometimes for good reasons—but it was in his attitude.
From that moment, I knew that I would never be able to admire or respect this man.
No matter how wealthy, good-looking, or intelligent, I simply cannot fall for a guy who has no integrity.
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