Explaining the Dance of Dominance and Submission
Copyrighted by Lorna Tedder. Originally published in Third Degree Ebb and Flow.
Iâ€™m being challenged to explain myself. Nothing new about that, mind you, but this time, people want to know exactly Â how Â I Â see Â this Â whole Â Domination/submission thing thatâ€™s emerging with my exploration Â of my dominant side.
Of course, I donâ€™t need to explain anything to any- body. Then Â again, I do need to explain it for myself, to try to pinpoint for myself exactly what I believe.
When I Â talk Â about Â exploring Â my Â dominant Â side Â to people whoâ€™ve known me as compassionate, Â caring, and loving, Â they Â immediately think â€œwhips Â and chainsâ€ Â and bloodshed. I feel that sense of judgment and worry starting up already with them that this new facet will be too much.
When I Â talk Â about Â exploring Â my Â dominant Â side Â to
friends in the â€œlifestyle,â€ many of whom are submissives with desires Â for pain and bloodshed, Â they worry that I canâ€™t be â€œcruel enoughâ€ and Â therefore â€œnot truly dominant.â€ (Personally, I find a potential liaison telling me Iâ€™m not dominant because Iâ€™m not doing things his way to be solidly laughable, but thatâ€™s another story.) So these more open-minded Â friends and acquaintances,Â too, are already starting that sense of judgment that this facet will be too little.
Like most things in life, I think dominance comes in a lot of different, um, non-vanilla flavors. Just like with my spirituality, itâ€™s a Â unique Â brand of beliefs that are mine, mine, mine and very meaningful Â to Â me, but I recognize that spirituality comes in a lot of shades and hues and that what one person finds wondrous, another will find boring or horrifying. I happen to like diversity in most things.
Iâ€™ve done enough research to know what is and what isnâ€™t â€œme.â€ Certain things, I donâ€™t see myself as doing be- cause they hold no appeal for me, and if I did them just to prove my dominance, Â then Iâ€™m letting Â someone Â else dictate my life as much as when I let my ex have control of Â my dreams. I have no trouble reconciling dominance withÂ Â Â Â Â treatingÂ Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â someone well, Â Â Â Â Â even Â Â Â if Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â that Â Â Â Â includes â€œpunishmentâ€ for Â their Â screw-ups. Â I donâ€™t Â think Â I can ever intentionally devastate someone I love by holding up them for public ridicule or mocking Â their most sensitive inner secrets, and I donâ€™t care for casual Â sex Â becauseÂ I donâ€™t think it provides Â the maximum intensity Â I desire. For Â me, dominance is not mutually exclusive of nurturing.
I very much like the idea of being in control, guiding the relationship and its facets, working to make us an extraordinary Â partnership, Â managing Â and making decisions and being treated as Goddess Incarnate.Â I donâ€™t care for mindless wimps who have no desires Â of their own and canâ€™t Â hold Â a Â conversationâ€”how Â boring Â (to Â me)! Â Why would I want a power exchange with someone who exudes no power at all?
I see my ideal Dominant/submissive relationship as a dance thatâ€™s more equal than some might think it to be. I donâ€™t Â see Â dominant Â loving Â as being Â only about Â what Â I wantâ€”though itâ€™s finally about getting what I wantâ€”but also about understanding what a Â submissive man wants, what makes him cry or beg or sparkle, how to Â use Â that knowledge to create an incredible world for him to live in and for me to observe and enjoy whether he is my slave, my little boy, my errant pirate captain all knotted up, or my naked Â footholder, Â how to map that Â extensive labyrinth under the surface of his public personality and know its dark corners and shadows and unexpected Â twists and turns that delight me. Scripting our most intensely emotional moments? Yum! Itâ€™s a dance that I find intriguing and exciting and intense, and I would hope my partner would feel the same because as an empath, I would get to enjoy the dual sensation of the intensity he feels.
A counselor once told me that sex with someone new is Â like Â thinking Â the Â guy Â is Â your Â Star-Spangled Â Banner. Later, when he doesnâ€™t spangle your banner anymore, you realize that pretty much all sex is physically the same but what makes Â it spangle-worthy Â is the connection Â and if you donâ€™t have it, then thatâ€™s where the relationship often ends. If you can keep the connection going, you can keep the fire Â in the Â relationship, Â long after Â all theÂ positions have been tried. Sex is just sex, but itâ€™s the combination with psychology that creates a world of life-long Â adventure.
So for me, D/s is all about the marriage of sexuality and psychology. Besides, Iâ€™m a demanding but benevolent Goddess.