Angry, Jealous, and Looking for the Lesson
Copyrighted by Lorna Tedder. Originally published in Third Degree Ebb and Flow.
I cannot identify the emotion that has me in a quandary. Â Youâ€™dÂ think,Â Â considering Â everythingÂ Â Iâ€™ve Â been through in my life, that Iâ€™d know all my own emotions by now. But whatever this is comes with the agitation of a two-year-old discovering emotions for the first time or a teen first hit with hormones. I canâ€™t place this feeling.
Itâ€™s a little like jealousy, but thereâ€™s anger in there, too. Itâ€™s dark, and it gets my attention.
An incident stirs all my triggers. I am still working an Â 8-5 job and forcing myself to keep it 8-5, so I can pay the mortgage Â (though I think insurance is more these days) and afford the charity work I like to do. I have not made the jump to the work of my heart because I pay my bills, I honor my contracts, and I have no second income or rich Â boyfriend or trust fund to cushion me if it takes a while to build a new career once I jump. Iâ€™m still working every night and weekend on my own Â books and on my publishing company in a market that is sheer awful be- cause so few people read any longer and my focus is on spiritual literature instead of money-making erotica. But I love the books and the stories and the people.
I could go ahead and claim what it is I want to do in this new career, with my publishing, writing, and teaching skills backing me up, but I donâ€™t really feel I have the credentials yet. Thatâ€™s why Iâ€™m going through this mentoring process. I am learning firsthand, working toward professional certification, focusing on having all the skills I need to jump into it.
This is another case of where I feel Iâ€™m doing all the â€œright things.â€ Â Donâ€™t get my started on my college days when I had the super GPA, the right honor societies and activities, the career-related job, and did everything right, only to be told I didnâ€™t have an engineering Â degree so I could work for minimum Â wage after all those Â years of getting the Â education Â and doing things the â€œright way.â€ And yes, that was when Â minimum wage was something like $3.31 an hour and yes, thatâ€™s when colleges were telling you you could get a starting salary in the 50â€™s if you did all the right things I was doing. Or at least in the 30â€™s if you were a moderate slacker or maybe 20k if you were the fraternity beer wench.
I remember Â that Â sense Â of Â betrayal at seeing Â guys Â I went to college Â with get the higher Â salaries Â when their college resumes werenâ€™t near Â what Â mine was. Maybe itâ€™s that Â same Â sense Â of Â betrayal Â and Â questioning Â my Â work ethic.
I have been working so hard all my life, and then especially this year to make things happen and to do it with honor, integrity, and…credibility. And now this. This.
Iâ€™ve been Â straightforward Â with Â a handful Â of Â people about exactly Â how I want to set up this next career of mine, once I get the credentials. One of those people told me Â today Â of Â someoneÂ Â doing Â somethingÂ Â similar Â and thought it might help me to study how this other woman and Â her partners are succeeding. Â Good idea, I thought. She began to give me the background of what sheâ€™d ob- served.
Then I found out who and what she meant. The what, as it turns out, isnâ€™t exactly how I want my future to be, but the similarities are Â rather striking. I donâ€™t view it as direct Â competition. Â She Â lives Â on Â the Â other Â side Â of Â the country. But thereâ€™s anger in me and jealousy, too.
The jealousy is easy for me to pinpoint. She and her partners have married well and their husbands are enthusiastically Â funding Â theirÂ Â venture. Â So Â Iâ€™m Â jealous Â that theyâ€™ve been able to quit their mundane Â careers, secure more funding than they know what to do with, andâ€”oh, boyâ€”that Â their mates Â are emotionally Â supportive. Â That last oneâ€™s a biggie for me. Something I wanted so badly but never got. Something I wanted more than quitting my day job or having the funding to create a foundation and run it.
But the anger I feel as I read their brochures…. Â Itâ€™s righteousÂ Â Â Â Â Â indignation, Â Â I suppose. Â They are claiming credentials I know they donâ€™t have. They are putting out a message Â that Â they donâ€™t Â live up to, preaching Â (literally) what they donâ€™t practice. They Â are creating and living a life that looks in many ways similar to what Iâ€™m intending for myself, yet itâ€™s all based on deception.
How do I know theyâ€™re not living what they are teaching? Â Because Â Iâ€™ve Â been Â personally Â and Â professionally shafted by this woman and her partners. Â Thatâ€™s the biggest shock in thisâ€”that of all people to be pointed out to me as people who are walking in the sacred way and finding prosperity, Iâ€™m shown people I know not to be what they profess. Itâ€™s not that theyâ€™ve changed over a decade and grown up and I missed itâ€”the shafting I took is on- going, with our most recent Â discussion taking place less than two months ago.
So besides Â the fact that Iâ€™m now royally pissed off, jealous, indignant, etc, thereâ€™s got to be a reason why this is coming up now. My friend could have pointed out any of a dozen other people Â doing Â exactly the same things and I wouldnâ€™t have known their background or had this reaction.
So why now? Why them?
Maybe the answer is that I donâ€™t have to wait until I have all the certifications and connections made to launch my new career. Maybe Iâ€™m ready to launch anyway, while Iâ€™m still in my current career, backing it up with my publishing/writing/teaching capabilities, even if I donâ€™t have the Â certifications Â yet or all the education Iâ€™d like. Thatâ€™s daunting becauseÂ I Â donâ€™t have enough time now to do what I want.
So does it matter if I donâ€™t have everything absolutely perfect and ready to launch? Because I do have the honesty that goes with what I want to do. I not only do my best to practice what I preach, but I preach it because Iâ€™ve already learned it the hard way.