Of a Size
The third epiphany from my trip to Daytona has to do with body image. Shannon had tried to get me to buy a new swimsuit before we left home and Iâ€™d given her a maybe at best. I like swimsuits, just not so crazy about me in swimsuits. Even when I was a size 5, 100 pounds, and 18 years old.
It doesnâ€™t Â help, Â really, Â that Â I can trace my discomfortÂ Â Â Â Â back to the Â horrible shame of a Southern Baptist upbringing Â where Â thereâ€™s Â an Â image Â of Â the Â â€œModern Motherâ€ engraved in my mindâ€¦a woman in a bikini and high-heels with a baby in one arm, a six-pack of beer under the other, and a cigarette Â dangling Â from her scarlet lipsâ€¦yep, a whore going straight to hell. The funny thing I remember now is that she was in really great shape, but she was pointed out as the epitome of everything not to be, and since she was proud of her body and her choices, well, all the more reason for hell to await.
This week, I got a whole lot more comfortable with myself. But it took a lot of different reasons all stitched together.
I saw women on the beach in bikinisâ€¦all week long.Â Women 50 pounds heavier than I am now but in clothing I wouldnâ€™t have been caught dead in even at 50 pounds lighter than I am now. I saw belly dancers in veils and an extreme amount of boobage bursting forth from corsets, and I kept thinking how amazing it is in todayâ€™s Â society that so many of these women were completely Â comfort- able with Â their bodies and with displaying their bodies. And I admired Â that. Â I Â never Â even Â put on the corset I brought with me for one of the evening parties, and after attending the party, I regretted that I hadnâ€™t.
I also saw women whoâ€™d had a tremendous amount of cosmetic surgery, and I heard that old â€œSix Million Dollar Manâ€ prologue playing in Â the back of my headâ€¦. â€œWe can rebuild herâ€¦.â€ According to societal standards, these women Â were Â beautiful, Â perfect Â creatures. Â Yet Â none Â of them thought of themselves as such and none were con- tent with all the nipping and tucking that had been done. Contrary Â to Â the Â overweightÂ Â women Â in Â bikinis, Â these women werenâ€™t satisfied and admitted to me Â that theyâ€™ll never be satisfied.
Copyrighted by Lorna Tedder. Originally published in Third Degree Tilt.
One woman pointed out the tiniest flaw to meâ€”a tiny spot on herÂ waist where she could pinch a quarter-inch.
It drove her insane. Enough so that sheâ€™s planning an- other surgery to Â take care of it. I would never have noticed. I doubt any lover would ever have noticed. But she knew it was there and she, like so many women, is Â her own worst critic.
I talked to many women over the week, and I did findÂ it fascinating that women Â with less than perfectÂ bodies but who were Â content with their physicality Â seemed Â to have much Â more joyous Â sex Â lives and more passionate lives in general whereas the women so focused on an impossible model of perfection, no matter how near-perfect they already were, were constantly beating themselves up.
Though my background contradicts it and most of the people in my hometown and work environment contradict it, I left Â feeling a lot better about myself physically and thinking when I looked in the mirror, hey, thatâ€™s not as bad as Iâ€™ve been led to believe. In fact, it can be pretty good.