We are NOT the world’s sexiest couple. At least, not at the moment…though Scorpio normally fulfills his half of the effort and more. Yet this new relationship–and I use that term loosely because of all things it implies that we have not yet defined–leaves me twisted between amazed and shaken at any given moment. And that is exactly what relationships are for.
He is sweaty and exhausted, having come directly from two non-stop grueling days of work to spend three hours or more fixing my daughter’s shower, the back door, the kitchen cabinets, the office door, and a problem on the roof–all because he wants to make my life easier and enjoys pleasing me. He’s also quite ill, fighting nosebleeds and hocking up biological warfare ammo from an upper respiratory infection while sporting bruises from a slippery fall and a white-trash beard from two days in the jungle without a shower.
I’m slightly better after a few days of being sick, but feeling decidedly unsexy as well. I’ve gained 10 pounds during a summer of knee and foot injuries and I have bags under my eyes from lack of sleep, but Scorpio doesn’t seem fazed at all. It seems like he can’t wait to see me, even if it’s just to fall asleep on the living room floor watching a movie together. He offers none of the ruthless and unnecessary criticism of men my own age who are dealing with their own mortality and resent seeing it mirrored in their mates.
We haven’t known each other for very long, but it feels we’ve known each other forever, through many past lives where we shared bread and bed. Blame it on the empathic connection that was established almost immediately, but we went from curious strangers to a level of comfort I have never felt with anyone else, and it happened in a matter of a few days. That’s evident as we sit on my back patio, Scorpio chain smoking downwind of me while I rub his damp sock feet in my lap and he rests a gentle hand on my bare feet, which are propped on his leg. There is an ease here that I cannot define yet it feels so serene and natural–whether we’re grocery shopping, watching movies, doing laundry, cooking in the kitchen, or demonstrating hand-to-hand combat moves on the family room floor. He is not my boyfriend, and I have no idea what to call him or if there is really any need to call him anything that anyone else can pinpoint in a mundane way.
If relationships are gifts from the Gods to help us learn more about ourselves, this thing with Scorpio has been one hell of a gift already. There are old wounds that have been healed almost overnight, and the healing has been deep and surprising as I’ve struggled to keep my walls down and the levels of communication without any veils at all. Within the first week of knowing him, I reached a level of trust that I have never known with anyone. I cannot logically explain it either but the process for this healing has been valid, if not slow. Maybe that’s because he’s leaving in a matter of weeks and we don’t feel we have much time to explore what life would be like together on a more permanent basis, if there is such a thing.
For all the wondrous things this relationship has brought to me so quickly, it also leaves me consistently shaken. The worst things I’ve encountered in previous relationships–to the point of ridiculous drama–are repeating themselves. Besides being super stressful for him, such drama brings up a lot of my old pain and fears as I watch my worst nightmares playing out for a second or even third time but with this new man. Maybe it’s a huge cosmic do-over because I’m approaching the terrors in a different way this time. Maybe if I get it right this time, having learned all those spiritual lessons from previous failures, I’ll get to keep this beautiful boy for a while, keep on learning new things with him and from him, keep on enjoying this amazing thing I’ve found. This is perhaps the first man I’ve ever known who can give back emotionally and not run from my intensity. I don’t need him in the damsel-in-distress sense, but I certainly want him, and in every way.
So this new relationship pushes my buttons, all of them. I guess that’s the way I’d rather it be, because I learn about myself most of all through my relationships, and I have released more old tragedy and stagnation with him in less than a month than I have in the past four years. And considering how much I’ve excavated in those years, that’s saying a lot.
And I have no idea where this is going, but I don’t want it to stop.
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