When you’re in the midst of a heartbreak or trauma, it’s very easy feel stuck in the muck.  I have come to see the turning points of my life in a different light, because that’s exactly what the worst moments of my life have been:  turning points….turning to something better, even if that was impossible to see then.

If I look back on the path my life has taken, every time there was a really rough patch, it forced me to change the course I was on.  Usually, I was not content with the course I was on but I didn’t know how to change it, to craft it into something better for me.  In a way, I suppose I brought that to me, Law of Attraction-style, because I was looking for something that would force a decision. I wasn’t proactive in an action sort of way but rather in a thought sort of way. 

That was true of my back injury when I was so focused on my career that I wasn’t doing much toward fulfilling my dreams or tending my spiritual needs.  It was true of how my marriage ended. It was true of home-business decisions.  It was true of health decisions.

It was true of several relationships I had that were really forks in the road for me.  I was happy with how things were going but wanted more.  If I’d gotten more, I would have been taking a particular fork that would have led to misery.  I couldn’t see that at the time because I needed that aerial perspective to see where the path beneath me was headed….into fire pits, swamps, and far more heartbreak than I got from a break-up.  Those break-ups put me on different path, one that was smoother, wider, gentler, and far less violence to the emotions.  The break-ups were just a few horrendous days wide as I got pushed onto a different course, rather than the miles of sameness before walking through years of hell.

What started as heartbreaks put me on better paths to more confidence, independence, happiness, serenity.  I could have spent the rest of my life–easily–with any one of those men.  I would not have grown in the ways I have, been loved in the ways I have, or learned to love myself.  If I were to map my life, you would see drastic zigzags with markers at each course correction, each with a name or event, but each directing me to higher ground.

Originally published in Third Degree Curves

Photo credit by hradcanska; creative commons license

“Oh,” he says, picking up the Tarot card. He’s incredibly gifted, yet this is a new experience for him. He’s never seen these cards before, but I think they’re pretty and I share them to get his opinion. “The Lovers are a combination of the Prince of Cups and the Queen of Wands.”

I’m astonished by his quick insight and the depth of his interpretation of the different cards. He is correct, on every level. I myself have drooled over this deck for several months and had never made the connection.

Since this insight, I have read that the Queen of Wands and the Prince of Cups are often considered a pair, with the advantage of their coupledom being that the introspective and somewhat introverted Prince is able to help his Queen work through life on her inner planes and the disadvantage being that he is sometimes obsessed by and obsessed with his feelings.

For my personal card, I’ve been attracted to the Queen of Wands, sometimes Rods or Spears, for at least 5 or 6 years. When I first became interested in Tarot, like many newbies, I wanted the High Priestess for my card, but I couldn’t keep my eyes off the Queen of Wands. Even though I loved the other Queens and particular aspects of them, Wands drew me in.

Since then, I’ve repeatedly appeared in Tarot readings-for me and for others-as the Queen of Wands or Queen of Rods, depending on the deck. I’ve begun to work with the visual aspects of the card and what it represents, using them for a model for myself.

The Queen of Wands, to me, is all about creativity and ideas, but also about hard work, commitment, and integrity. She has a bazillion projects going at once, and is both practical and successful in bringing her many efforts to harvest. She is a go-getter, a woman who makes things happen, even going against the currents to make them happen. She wears bright colors and shines and sparkles, drawing others to her.

She’s a bit of the Alpha Female, I suppose….a controlling and dominant woman, protective of those she loves. And though she isn’t always seen as emotional, she most definitely is…emotional, sensitive, intuitive, empathic, compassionate, loyal, and loving. This woman has emotions, knows that she has them, and acts on them. Cross her or threaten someone she loves, and you’ll see Mama Tiger’s claws come out.

She is independent and calmly authoritative, and in spite of her dominance, lets others be who they are and have their own space while being supportive, protective, nurturing. She’s capable, generous, and a bit dramatic at times.

She is a woman of tremendous power and life force and transforms not just herself but others. She is inspirational, a catalyst, full of the fire of passion and purpose, and is an agent of change, hopefully for the better. She is full of passion and the fire of life and creativity and love.

What a great role model!

When I was first looking for a like-minded spiritual group in Northwest Florida, I found several existing circles rather easily.  These were people who were either pagan or pagan-friendly, with anything from a nice mix of different religious beliefs to a finely honed circle with a specific focus.  I contacted each of them and, without their knowing anything at all about me, they all told me that they were currently closed to new members. I felt a little miffed and rejected at the time–weren’t they even willing to meet me and give me a chance?–but now I understand.  A few did offer an explanation  about energetic harmony but having not had my own group before then, I didn’t understand the precariousness of the balance of energy among a small spiritual group, circle, or coven.

Last year, I closed my own group, my fourth, to the public.  Why?  To maintain the “good energy” we’d achieved.  I didn’t want to close it completely and I did want to be able to grow it here and there as members deployed or moved away, so I made to closed to strangers but current members could bring a guest or two occasionally if they thought it would be a good fit.  And, of course, I could bring in other people whenever I wanted, given that it was my group and I was the High Priestess-slash-Facilitator of it.

Wow, have there been lessons!

1. If you’re starting the group, set the rules to suit you. I’d had several small circles between 2003 and 2006, but internal politics always played a role.  Some members wanted to host at their homes, and that just didn’t work.  For the circle I started in March 2008, I decided that the meetings would be at my house every single time.  No exceptions. I enjoy having friends in my home, but I also didn’t want to go back to the problems my second group had where I was often making my way home at 2 AM from a healing circle I’d been misled to think was 40 minutes away instead of 2 hours away.  I wanted the control of when the meetings would be, how often, and without having to worry about babysitters or, more importantly since I was having some problems with my night vision, I didn’t have to drive after dark.

So, in exchange for that control, I set it up so that I provide dinner–usually something simple and buffet-ish, we socialize and discuss the previous gathering’s lessons for the first hour while enjoying dinner, and then I teach an hour-long class or workshop that ends in a free-for-all of questions.  That’s the way I wanted it, and the energy in my house is usually pleasant and steady.  This is a far cry from driving an hour at night to have dinner that won’t be ready until 9PM, teach a class, and have to break every few minutes because the hostess allows her unruly kids to interrupt almost as often as she and her husband yell at each other.  Hey, I don’t think that makes me a control freak…but if I’m making the effort to start a group and teach it, then I make the rules to suit myself.  The people whose energy is congruous with mine will show up.

2.  Be aware of the strangers you allow into your house because they can be the best and worst things to happen to your circle. You never know where that energy’s been! My previous circles had been crafted from friends, best friends, and friends of friends–often with their own agenda.  Circle #2 came to a screeching halt after a married member of the group began inviting her newfound married lover to our meetings so they could meet in a safe place…not to mention sneaking off during my workshops to have loud sex in my bathroom.

When I started my current group, it was after looking around and meeting one-on-one with potential candidates for over a year.  I finally decided to just see who was out there and started the original Wiccan Concepts group in Niceville on Meetup.  I paid all the fees myself, didn’t charge admission, provided dinner and class, and still had at least 75% of every RSVP list turn into a no-show.  That’s a frequent problem on Meetup, yes, but in spite of that, I met my core group through that service.  The first three people to show up  on the first night are still tried and true members after two years, and one of the three chose to pursue Wicca as an Initiate.  Other core members joined within the year, and we had a really nice energy together with true caring among the members.  That kind of balance of energy is what you want to aim for because if the participants are in harmony, then you’re working together with that energy instead of using it to pull in different directions.

Just a side note here:  Though I didn’t originally intend it, my home is a sanctuary for members of my circle.  It’s the one place that some feel they can come to get away from stress and drudgery and luxuriate in an evening of magic and friendship.

Of course, if you’re inviting the general public into your home, you really don’t know what you’re getting.  I got wonderful and I got…problem children.  Normally someone whose energy didn’t mesh with the group would show up once, insist everything be his or her way, and then stomp off in a huff.  I didn’t cry over it.  Occasionally, someone with their own set of problems would show up and spend the evening putting me down or being disrespectful of what I was teaching–I still cannot abide people talking on their cell phones or via sign language while I’m trying to hold a class.  Some would show up and really mesh well with the group but had too many issues with parents or family not wanting them to attend and soon they faded away.

The final straw that caused me to close down my Meetup group and move it to a private, invitation-only basis was  when my daughter caught one of the first-timers going through her things in a cabinet, and later we realized that some of my daughter’s cherished possessions were gone.  Okay, big hot button:  you don’t steal from me.  The Wiccan Concepts group is still on Meetup but–little did I know when I canceled the group–MeetUp allows other people to take over a canceled group and claim it as their own if the moderator steps down.  Otherwise, it’s a good option for meeting candidates for your group whom you’d never meet.

3.  If someone doesn’t show after several invitations, drop it. I’ve had several cases where someone begged me for an invitation, then never showed–usually after I’d cooked for them and made sure enough parking was available so as not to upset my neighbors.  On one hand, I’ve not really understood.  How can you beg to be invited because you’re sure I can show you the one thing you’re looking for and then stand me up several times?  The irony is that the thing they’re looking for is almost always at my house and available to them.  Perhaps the thing I have to offer them is something they shouldn’t really have?  I don’t know, but my rule is, if you turn down my invitation three times, you don’t get invited back.  If you ask to come repeatedly and yet never show, you don’t get invited back because I don’t think you’re serious.

4. Beware of inviting people you’re romantically involved with. I’ve done this several times and have had great and terrible luck, depending on the guy.  In an earlier group, my date was welcomed with open arms and enjoyed the evening, with lots of good input; however, the other women really wanted his attention, and not spiritually.  In my current group, my sweetie quickly became part the group and was adored for himself and for his Tarot talents.  He attended multiple meetings  and was very much a part of the group harmony.  The energy was powerful and balanced.  More recently, I’ve invited three different guys I’ve been involved with.  They’ve all either turned me down instantly because they weren’t comfortable with subject matter or simply didn’t show.  The difference is that the first two men were held similar spiritual interests while the other men in my life haven’t been interested in either attending a gathering or becoming part of the group because their relationships with me lacked the spiritual element.

5.  Other than the lack of consideration, don’t worry about the no-shows. Not long before I decided to pursue formal training in Wicca, I learned a valuable lesson from Maggie Shayne, who created a special open circle with Evelyn Vaughn and me at a Romance Writer’s of America conference in Washington, D.C.   Someone on the way to the open circle, which we led out in a park-like area, had twisted her ankle and couldn’t participate.  Maggie passed on to me that sometimes people aren’t part of the ritual because of reasons we aren’t meant to know.  If they’re supposed to be there, they will be.  I’ve seen people come to rituals and celebrations with anger and jealousy that disturbed the balance of energy, so I no longer question that…though I will question why someone can’t pick up the phone and let me know not to plan for them.

6.  Just because a person is your best friend (or even your spouse) doesn’t mean she should be part of your circle. I brought my open-minded, pagan-friendly, New-Age-Christian, bestest-friend-in-the-world into the periphery of my first circle and more heavily into my second and third.  It wasn’t smooth.  We both wanted it to work but it just didn’t. She was used to being a teacher whenever she was in a crowd and those natural instincts always took over.  No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn’t be a student.   She struggled with being in “learn” mode vs “teach” mode, and  only occasionally was the energy nicely balanced, usually when we were working together to help someone else.

7.  Just because a person is harmonious with you doesn’t mean he’ll be harmonious with the group. I have had people I adore shock me. I have had friendly, balanced relationships with individuals who shared many of my beliefs and were open to learning and I’ve excitedly invited them to attend a couple of meetings, only to drop them from the invitations later.  I couldn’t believe how different they were in a group–patronizing, negative, disruptive.  It was as if they suddenly forgot they were guests or students in a class, or that the other attendees were  not there for a newcomer’s advice but rather, for what I had to teach them.

8. When inviting new people, try to meet them one-on-one before considering bringing them into the group. There are people I’ve lunched with and never looked back at.  There are others whom I lunch with regularly, but will never invite them to a group function or a workshop.   The energy just isn’t right for the whole group.

9.  When inviting new people to join the group, start on a trial basis. They don’t have to know it’s a trial.  After attending once or twice, you’ll have a feel for whether they contribute to the group energy or detract from it.  You don’t want to commit yourself and then have to end a friendship because the rest of the group can’t bear to have them in the same room.

10.  Consider having long distance or deployed members join the meetings by Skype or speaker phone. I’ve done this with members of different circles, and while it wasn’t the ideal of having them physically present, it does allow for some interaction we’d all be sadder without.  It’s still very possible to “attend” a class by webcam or phone, and even to allow different members of the group to pair off with the phone or webcam for a Tarot reading or detailed discussion.

For me, the hardest part of having a successful group is in maintaining the balance of energy.  I’m now enlisting my daughter to help more with hostessing and sergeant-at-arms duties, mainly because I feel I need to give some attention to newcomers while not forgetting about my tried and true core group.  Sometimes newcomers demand a lot of attention–which has more of a “take” feel that pulls on the group energy, and those people don’t tend to be a good fit for the group.  But every now and then, someone new attends who is respectful and willing to share and just fits in from Day One.  Those people don’t drain and lower the group energy:  they amplify it.  It’s a delicate balance but well worth it if you can achieve it.

Photo credit by Ko_An; creative commons license.

From the upcoming book, Searching for Serenity:  the Spiritual Way to Declutter your Life and Create Sacred Space

I’m intrigued by a Tarot card known as the “Two of Swords.”  In most decks, the card features a person holding a sword in each hand, often in a defensive position.  The visual often reflects two equal forces in a stalemate situation.  The swords are sometimes crossed, suggesting a clash of ideas, words, or motives.

The traditional meanings for the card are struggle, balance, decisions, an impasse, confusion.  Some refer to these as putting up barriers to the truth or hoping the truth will go away.

A friend of mine interprets this card in a more positive way that I find beautiful.

“Look at the woman,” she says.  “She’s holding a sword in each hand.  She’s very good at defending her position, but she’s got her hands full.  If something wonderful comes to her, she cannot accept it because her hands are full.  To open her hand to something new and wonderful, she must put down one of the swords.  She must let go of something first.  She must release before she can refocus and accept something new and better.”

During my process of decluttering and re-creating the sacred space I’d lost in my home and life, I thought a lot about that Two of Swords card.  I had been like that strong woman, defending my position at all costs, never daring to risk failure by setting down one of my swords.  My hands were full, too full.  I couldn’t get it all done.  I had too many things pulling at me, and I had that constant clash of which to do first and how could I possibly do them all and which would I let fail if I didn’t defend it.  It was a constant struggle, strain, and stress.

To move forward in my life and accept newer, happier ways of being and new “gifts” from the Universe, I had to make room in my life. I had to let go…of things that cluttered my life, whether they were physical, emotional, spiritual, or something else.  When I was able to release on one level, there was a sudden cascade of release on all levels in a matter of weeks. As I got one level to its simplest form, the others could not stay cluttered.  That powerful releasing energy took hold all at once, and I let go, finally, and began very quickly to refocus my energies and my life in a new direction that felt wonderfully free.

The new direction meant taking the newly emptied spaces in my life, not fearing the voids left by releasing, and filling them instead with love and joy, turning them into sacred spaces.

And there, in sacred space, is where serenity lives.

I have a lot of friends who read Tarot cards–and every last one of them is pretty good at it!   Invariably, when we get together, we somehow end up drooling over the beautiful artwork of the newest deck among us and “throwing cards” for each other.  Whether we do this separately or in groups, it always turns into a brainstorming session where there are new insights to be discovered in how we’re approaching our own peculiar situations.  I’ve noticed that no matter how many different groups and how many different readings, certain trends tend to emerge.

An extremely talented psychic who uses multiple decks of cards in his readings once told me that almost every reading he does falls into one of two categories and rarely does he see anything remotely differently.  They’re either about romance/relationships or they’re about–to a lesser degree–job/money/career situations.  These seem to be the two most important questions on seekers’ minds, and I can attest to that, based on the questions and interest my articles and books on the Law of Attraction receive and what people most want to attract into their lives.

When I was married and trying to get my writing career off the ground, my questions were always about…of course…my writing career.   When I was single and trying to figure out what my heart wanted now, my questions were about romance and relationships.  That’s rather typical, I suppose, that you’re more acutely aware of what you don’t have currently but would like to achieve.  These are those “rockets of desire” that Abraham-Hicks talks about in their Law of Attraction books.  My questions for the past year have been a mix of both as I’ve tried to navigate where it is I next want to go with my career and creative work as well as feeling the pull toward partnering up in a long-term relationship

The work issue comes up occasionally for me, and the readings are always very similar:  huge shake-ups–to the core–in my Department of Defense career field but with me being in a good place.  All that turbulence around me but I’m okay, happy even, and finding more and more balance between the day job with the nice paycheck and the creative work, like here at The Spiritual Eclectic or writing novels I love.  Regardless of which friend is reading, which deck is being used, where the reading takes place, or the date of the reading, this has been the trend over the past year, but with an ever increasing smoothing out for me in terms of my own path, even though the path is jagged all around me and drops off into nothingness at times for others.

The similarities in readings related to my romantic life have been even more remarkable.  They all reflect each other well, and there are rarely any surprises, although some interesting new developments are now showing on the horizon.  Throughout the past year, the theme that has emerged prominently has been one of “romance at a distance.”   Quite accurate for this past year.  Every man in my life was either already living hundreds of miles away or living close-by but deployed/moved within a few months of our meeting.  One, a young Navy Seal demi-god named Tyler, left for a sudden new assignment two weeks after our first date, though neither of us knew it when we met.  The only local romantic interest who didn’t leave the area during the year was away on business far more than he was at home.  So the repeated readings of “romance at a distance”–a term used independently by several readers–proved to be accurate.  It was also the fluidity I needed to get me through a year of much change and regeneration when I knew I didn’t need to be in a more settled relationship.

I was sure last fall that one of my relationships was going to be going into a higher spin–and not certain which one either–when Lord Midlight read for me, looking at a six-month period that ends today.  I had met someone new and interesting over the summer and the first words out of his mouth were, “I”m back from the desert and I’m not going anywhere.”  I knew absolutely that this man was going to be in my life through the late summer and autumn months.  Lord Midlight told me, without batting an eye, that these six months would be filled with “romance at a distance” and that I’d be perfectly content with it that way.  And…I was.  The new guy had too much baggage and though I tried off and on for five months to create a good connection with him, it fizzled until there was no fizz left.  Though it was an active dating period for me and I had some grand times with consistently sweet and sexy young men, my real romantic spice was with someone who was seldom in  town.  Little things happened between us that really endeared him to me, fulfilling my feelings of a higher spin in one of my relationships. Lord Midlight and the others who’d read for me over the autumn months were all right–romance at a distance but very hot when it was in town. And, with him, though I wanted to see him more often, I really liked our relationship the way it was.

The most recent readings I’ve had have all continued to show that trend, all repeating that same phrase:  “Lots of romance coming 2010, in a big way, and solidifying later in the year but at a distance–and you’ll be perfectly content with it that way.”

They’ve all found it necessary to point out that not only will I have a fulfilling relationship that has some aspect of physical distance between us, but that I’m–gasp!–okay with it that way.  There’s always some hint of confusion that I could be content if I’m not with someone 24/7.  The readers’ own filters become obvious as they, in light of their own relationships, don’t quite understand the contented nature I could find in one at a distance.

Having this pointed out to me so frequently over the past year, and especially over the past month or so, I’ve been thinking more about it and about what I want in a relationship.  Though I’m feeling more and more of the pull toward a long-term partnership as all sorts of things line up in my astrological transits–various Juno transits and conjunctions, Juno conjunct Vertex, solar return focuses on the fourth-fifth-seventh houses, progressed chart configurations–there’s a part of me that rebels.  I realized this only last night under circumstances that might make other women feel a little lonely or upset or needy.

I was alone in my home.  My daughter was out at a photo shoot.  Of the two men I had expected to see over the weekend, one had an adverse reaction to the H1N1 flu shot and the other had an obligation to his child.  Friends I’d hoped to spend some time with were out of town. My other daughter was busily finishing a task for her psychology research lab and didn’t have time to talk.  Even my 80-year-old mom was out checking on a sick friend and wasn’t available when I called.  I was most definitely alone and going to be that way for the evening.

But instead of feeling lonely–at all–I relished my time alone, my independence, my home with its jasmine incense burning and candles flickering and the aroma of dinner cooking in the oven.  There was a very sweet feeling in my house and I was content with it.  I also cranked out a ton of creative work that I enjoyed every second of.  I took a break and sat down to dinner and a Netflix episode of Torchwood and that’s when it hit me.  If I had a man in the house full-time, he’d be playing video games or watching TV or listening to distracting music while I was working on this particular night and would expect me by his side for the evening, even it I was more enthralled with my own work.  The truth is, for as much as I like having a man in my home, I like my alone-time, too.    So I’m perfectly content with having a great time with a guy when he’s around but I’m also content when he goes off and does his own thing–his job, his creative work, his friends, his athletics–and leaves me to mine.  I also had to wonder if maybe my enjoyment of my alone-time is an energy that pushes away having a live-in mate because I’m secretly not wanting to give up that part of me again as I did for so many years when I was married with small children and two careers at the same time.

These aren’t things we’re supposed to admit to a romantic partner–”I adore you but could you please go play with your friends for a little while now and let me have some me-time?”–and my last few romantic partners became defensive no matter how sweetly or logically I put it.  It’s strange even to admit it to myself because it’s a delicate balance.  However, my Tarot-reading friends have forced me to confront this part of myself that says I must, for my own sanity, hold aside a part of myself to relish just being me and me alone.  The rest of the time, I can be deliciously emotionally merged with someone but yes, there must be a little safe-room there for me to take sanctuary in and it’s in no way a rejection of anyone I care for.  Instead, it’s an affirmation of my caring for my own SELF.

So yeah, romance?  Bring it.  And if he’s not around 24/7  to hover over me or get underfoot, well, I guess I’ll just be content about having it that way.

A small wall altar with two archetype Tarot cards–a Warrior and a High Priestess.  Photo copyright by Lorna Tedder.

Tarot cards have regular place in my life–as miniature vision boards to focus my attention on when manifesting something I desire, as artwork in my home, as tools to be used in magic spells, as reminders of a particular theme I’m using in a book I’m writing or creative project I’m working on, and as divination guides to give me insights.

These cards are not for pagans only! Many, many Tarot readers are Christian and understand that they are a key to intuition and the inner psyche–not the handiwork of the devil. That said, a reader of any religion can certainly give a reading that is skewed to the positive or negative, depending on his or her own personal outlook and filters. A reader who looks for the bad will certainly find it whereas a positive reader who looks for the good in things, even in major upsets, can find something positive to say that will not leave the recipient of the reading feeling devastated but rather empowerered. My personal belief is that you should never leave a reading feeling like the world is crashing around you–instead, you should feel armed to take on whatever battles must be fought and turn them around in your favor–or find a temporary safer position to retreat to!

When used for personal growth or insight, the symbology of Tarot cards can trigger a deep and meaningful revelations in one’s self. The answers are usually already there, just covered, buried, or hidden and a deck of Tarot cards can give insight into the “obvious” answer. From a Law of Attraction standpoint, there are many possible futures and realities out there but aligning to the images of a particular few cards can help the self-reader see the best possible solution of many.

When used as for divination (referred to somewhat disparagingly as fortune-telling, the reader (usually someone else) can study the images on the cards and tap into his or her own intuition to align with the energetic snapshot of what is and the most likely course of what is to come based on the influences in play at the time of the reading. A Tarot card reader who is truly gifted with intuition may see the card as a trigger to some flash of insight (specifically seeing a vision of something or having a knowing. Less than gifted Tarot card readers–including many who populate pay-per-minute psychic hotlines–can give an entertaining but not necessarily intuitive reading based on knowledge of the 78 (usually) Tarot cards and the symbolism of the numbers and images of the major and minor arcana. For example, 5’s are generally about choices, and cups are generally representative of emotions. The 5 of cups card is often read as a card of regret about a love relationship, or difficult emotional choices. A very intuitive Tarot Card reader might see this card, based on where it is the layout, as a pining over unrequited love in the past that is affecting the present and holding the reading’s recipient back from moving forward and claiming a new love relationship, complete with the physical description, approximate height, and given name of the old flame. (Been there!)

Probably the most dreaded of the Tarot cards is the Tower Card, more dreaded than the Death Card, which usually represents change or endings and new beginnings. The Tower Card usually symbolizes a major catastrophe that shakes the reading recipient to the core. It’s not all bad, though, because the person can rebuild on a new, stronger foundation…though it’s usually really upsetting at the time it occurs. The best example of this card’s meaning and how it can be overcome is found in the short novel, Celebrating the Tower Card by Lauren Hartford.

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The April Full Moon, aka the Pink Moon, occurs in Libra on April 9, 2009 at 9:55 AM Central time here in the Florida Panhandle. This Full Moon, I feel, is all about…moving into new territory with relationships and how we want things to look.  More on that in a moment.

Libra, an air sign, is generally balanced, romantic, charming, idealistic. This particular full moon will be rather intense, considering that Venus (love, money, creativity) is retrograde and squaring an obliterating-then-rebuilding Pluto.  For a lot of people,  this Libra full moon balancing a fiery, move-it-forward Aries sun will bring about an urgent desire to make something happen in a relationship, bringing old drama to a head in a perhaps less than ideal way.  (But it will clear the deck for something better.) Last month was so filled with turbulence but this month?  There’s a sense of the Tarot here, a Lovers’ card.   A chance to find some grounding and make choices about relationships and partnerships and whether to be with a particular person, and at the same time, an opportunity to have many different relationships or partners but still say to one special person, “I choose you, regardless of how many people I may love, and choose one does not lessen the love for anyone else.”  There’s an intimacy to it of two people, but at the same time, an openness of loving groups of people who are not family but we choose to make them family, regardless of social templates.  This isn’t so much about lovers but multiple loves and not so much about a choice but choices, and the tension of Venus squaring Pluto will force some kind of decision in how we handle those relationships.

For those of you who routinely read my suggestions for meditations, you know how this works. I share this unraveling of images I have just before a New Moon, Full Moon, and/or Eclipse and you’re welcome to use what makes sense to you. For most of last year, I’ve been following this “story” of a river of emotions connected with Moon phases–everything from bridges over rivers to the structure that holds the river in its banks, to surfing the river, to becoming the river, to rising above the river in a parasail…all taking me “around the riverbend” to a beautiful new vista that is lush and green. For those of you who know me personally, you’ve watched in amazement and then horror at how some of these influences have played out in my life and how I’ve been healing from some heartbreaks and reached a place of happiness again.

For links to previous meditations, just search the Astrology or Ritual category on this site.

Thus far, the past year’s meditations have included Bridges, Riverbanks/Structures, Surfing/Sailing, Parasailing, Becoming the River, Rocks, Rebuilding the Riverbanks, Covered in Healing Mud, Washing off the Mud and Dancing Naked in the Sunlight, Beginning to Play in the River Again, Full-on Splashing in the River, Speeding around in Fun but Directionless Circles in my little boat, and Picking up a Passenger or two as we zip forward.

Which brings us to this Full Moon’s meditation: In this meditation, I am well past that point of standing beside the river, licking my wounds after the bashing from last Autumn. I have been dipping my toes in the river, dancing tentatively in the sunlight, and splashing watch all around. I have hopped into my little boat, the one without oars or a rudder. In spite of all the hurt of this past year, I’ve decided that it’s worth it to get back on the river and see where it takes me, even though I’m not steering. My motor has been running and I’ve been moving forward even though I don’t really know where I’m going, but along the way, I have picked up a passenger…a travelling companion for this journey.  I have leaned out the boat and linked arms to pull him into my craft with me, to this safer place I have to offer.

But here is the new part of this progressive meditation: as I move forward down the river, swirling this way and that in the current and not steering at all, I realize that I’ve picked up not just one passenger, but several.  These are lovers and dreams, wishes and desires.  These are those who support me on this journey and those whom I support.  The boat is so heavy with passengers that the rim is only inches above the water, that deep emotional current I’ve been in for the past year.  The boat lurches forward and swerves and…runs ashore.

This is not a bad thing.  One more passenger, and we might have been gurgling to the bottom of the riverbed.  Instead, we simply express mild surprise that we have found ground, something solid after so much emotional wateriness and uncertainty.   We climb out of this boat, onto solid ground, this time lush and not muddy.  I’m barefoot and feel the cool moss-like grass under my soles.  We can decide to get back in our boat, leaving someone behind so that we stay afloat, and continue along the course of the river…or we can explore this adventure that’s presented itself to us.   Ahead of us, opposite the riverbank, is a deep forest, and this is our other choice.  It is vast and beckoning with mysteries in the shadows and enchantment in the light.

Watch for choices to be made in the next month.  You may feel both restless and relentless in reaching a decision but ultimately, it’s about how you want your relationships to look—a very Libra kind of quality!

Photo by Andrea Pes; creative commons license

When I first began meeting “intuitives,”  I heard several of them say that they could not read their own futures.  I thought it was odd at the time, given that some of them had told me amazing things about my own life–right down to  names, ages, locations, specific projects I was working on that I’d not told anyone about.  They said that they could read Tarot, runes, and other methods of divination to give them insight into their present or even their past, but not for the future.  In addition, most could no longer read futures for their closest loved ones, even if they’d been able to when they and their loved ones were mere strangers.

I can’t read for myself either, when it comes to the future.  I can throw out a card to meditate on or divine to determine the current state of things, but I can’t get a fix on what’s ahead.  I can have a subtle “knowing”—particularly about something I don’t want to see—and completely ignore it until after the fact. THEN I recognize it and that I knew all along.  I’m in that state now, where I remember an odd feeling of something coming up but I couldn’t fathom it so I pushed the intuition aside.  Now I stand back and try to figure out if I have the same feeling about something coming up in the future, but I cannot quite catch the right feel of it and follow it to ground.  It’s like being caught in a lightning storm and feeling the crackle all around me but not knowing where the next bolt is coming from, just that it’s there somewhere.   Intuitive friends can tell me with great clarity what to be careful of, and be much on-target.  Sometimes I have a strong knowing about the good stuff, but the bad stuff, I just can’t always find the armor in time for.

But I can often see the bad stuff coming for other people.

Back in late summer, someone asked me to give a reading from my favorite Tarot deck, the Arthurian Legend cards.  I didn’t really want to but felt obliged to give it a try.  I don’t consider myself a reader and I never know when I throw down the cards whether I’m in the zone or not.  The last thing I want to do, as a High Priestess, is lay out cards and then shrug.  High Priestesses are supposed to be consistently excellent at Tarot, according to some handbook I must not have read. 

It was a valuable lesson to me.  Honestly, it was one of the worst readings, as far as circumstances and outcome, that I have ever done or witnessed in my life.  It almost hurt to have the cards between us.  I could offer absolutely no hope based on the layout and on my intuition.  They were full of oppression.  I’d add anger or hate, but those emotions didn’t really fit.  This was simply oppression, maybe with some despair thrown in.  I felt horrible because I really could not say anything positive about the situation in question.  I tried to temper my language for the querent, though, because I know what it’s like to have a reader say something really callous, like “Why the hell would you want to be with this person?  Is your self-esteem that fucking low?”  Been there.

Despite my gentleness, the querent began to make excuses before I could move on to the next card, telling me, “Oh, that’s probably just XYZ” or  “Maybe what you’re seeing is XYZ.”  It wasn’t XYZ.  The querent wasn’t listening and didn’t want to listen but because of hopes and fears, could turn even the worst card’s meaning into something fluffy.  I couldn’t lie though.  All I could do was to explain that as of that moment, the entire situation was oppressive and would bring great pain if continued.   I didn’t express some of the more upsetting impressions I was getting because they were bad enough that one of us would have run screaming from the room.

Another lesson was in watching a not-too-experienced psychic  read for himself.  I hadn’t watched anything like this in about 10 years, and I was very new to metaphysical practices then.  The past and present cards seemed accurate, from what I knew of the questions and situations.  The near future/outcome cards were lushly read, with great positivity, his hopes and dreams coming out with every syllable.  The energy of the cards did not match what he wanted for himself.   He saw what he wanted to see.

And that is why we cannot read for ourselves (most of us, anyway).  The source of our ability to read for others is in the same location as our own hopes and fears, and our own hopes and fears overshadow the intuition.  It’s far easier to read for a stranger for whom we have no hopes or fears–because the thing that is speaking loudest is our intuition. We need that lone voice to guide us in our readings, not a howling cacophony of our own worries and wants.

Photo by Pipe!; creative commons license

Not everyone keeps a Book of Shadows in the “traditional” way.  You know, the hardback tome of paper, perhaps even wrapped in some kind of animal hide or decorated with all sorts of magickal symbols. 

In my guest room, affectionately known as “Brian’s Room” because of his extended summer stays, I have a huge library of esoteric books.   Actually, these are the books I have left after giving away more than half of the books in the room because I didn’t have enough shelves to store them.  The books that remain are rare books from over 100 years ago, metaphysical books, scholarly books on psychology and history, and some things that can’t possibly be categorized.  There’s also a small collection of blank books I filled in over the years when I carried a journal with me in my job as my “CYA book.”   

I was asked if my Book of Shadows was kept somewhere hidden in that room.  Well, no.  I don’t have the traditional BOS to record my spiritual insights.  A BOS might make perfect sense to someone who rarely sets pen to paper, but for me, as a writer, I’d easily have at least 30 of the traditional BOS-type volumes by now. 

My solution is different.  I blog my BOS, essentially.  It’s here (and previously in the Supergirl@40 blog) that I plumb the depths of Life’s lessons, good and bad, and describe the epiphanies.  I share them because it’s part of my life purpose to share my experiences, and because so often, I receive many, many emails telling me how Spirit was certainly working overtime that day because my blog had exactly the spiritual answer the reader was looking for.  I write about my family and my life openly, because I insist on walking in truth, with nothing to hide.  I write about my friends, my circle, my coworkers, my neighbors–though I use nicknames like Luna, Aquarius Girl, Ten of Pents, ObiWan, Yoda, etc, to hide their identities, which only those closest to me or who are in my home on a regular basis would recognize—and they usually already know first-hand the story I’m telling.

The biggest lesson I’ve learned through sharing my BOS-slash-journal is how much we are all alike underneath.   Readers frequently tell me that they’re living the same situation and joke that I must be writing about them because they’re so amazed at the commonality.  If nothing else proves to you the Law of One, the universality of the human experience should.

But there’s something more I had not realized:  my blog is often used as a spiritual tool, just as surely as Tarot cards, deep inquiry of prayer, meditation, and various forms of divination.  Some people see my posts as cryptic, applying to some mystery in my own life that makes no sense to them, but the majority interpret my words through the lens of their own situation, giving them meaning where there was none or meaning that has nothing to do with my reality at all.  They’re looking for confirmation of what they believe or want to believe and my words can be shaped into that for them, just as reading Tarot cards and looking for confirmation of a particular path or future will often find it there.  Sometimes a second read of my post would contradict their interpretation,  or there are contradictions blatantly on the same page, but it doesn’t matter. 

For example, with the photo to the right (click on it for larger version), it’s been interpretted in lots of different ways–everything from the chains of oppression we carry to BDSM to Initiation to the 8 of Swords card to the current state of the economy.  Readers will look at it and, based on what they want to see (if they’re looking for something) or what’s in their experience (if they aren’t), they’ll swear they understand its meaning.  And for their purposes, they do and that’s all they need.  Though it can be interpretted in many ways, the fact of the photo is that it was one of a set of photos taken in an artistic project for an article I wrote, and those chains are really just a plant hanger draped over the subject’s wrists.  Yet, in a way, any interpretation can be valid if it strikes a chord with the seeker.

Spiritual tools are simply a way of getting in touch with our inner desires and intentions, and in themselves are only physical objects.  It’s the knowledge they evoke—of self, of others, of situations—that gives them power.  And that includes my blog.

 For years, the Cassadaga Spiritualist Camp has been on my list of adventures to enjoy.  Several weekends ago, I took a road trip to Orlando to see Shannon–and though we spent four days hanging out at Margaritaville, shopping, buying fairy curtains and goodies for her new apartment,  and me assuring her that I had not yet turned her old bedroom into a BDSM dungeon, the highlight was our visit to Cassadaga.  After all, it was only 30 minutes from her new home!

We milled around the bookstore/welcome center and found some wonderful incense, plus rose oil for Willow Moonlight’s Initiation.  Shannon and I talked for an hour or more over lunch in the hotel, both of us fretting over relationship issues and missing the long walks we used to take together.  We roamed the streets that reminded us of small-town Georgia.

But the best part was that we worked with the same shaman in separate sessions.  We compared notes afterward, and I had to race to write down everything so I wouldn’t forget.  The funny thing was that we both walked in with “important questions” that, once into the session, just weren’t important anymore.  Things that just did not matter.

I admit, the shaman made me cry.  He echoed back to me all the things I’d been struggling to let go of and all my worries about the future, and helped me get to a place of peacefulness…or at least peacefulness compared with the previous day’s worries. 

I’ve heard it said that you should never leave a shaman, intuitive, clairvoyant, etc, feeling like your world just shattered.  For most I’ve dealt with, I’ve left the session feeling wonderful.  If you are able to reach that connection to your higher self and find the reassurance you need on your path, even Tower Card moments can be looked at as preparation for something better. 

Though this shaman told me many things I already knew and more that have come to pass in the past two weeks, probably the best thing he did for me was to reiterate something I already knew I needed to do, no matter how hard.  Forty-eight hours later, it was his advice that replayed in my memory.  Without those words, I’m not sure I would have persisted, trusted, believed, forgiven, found a serene place to be happy again. 

As with many of my adventures, a single visit is not necessarily enough.  I want to go back to this place again sometime, perhaps stay overnight, and continue my spiritual journey through such deep introspection.  

Throughout my adult life, I have been told that my sense of integrity is a bit extreme and that I have ethical expectations that few people can meet. Maybe so. My sense of integrity is very much at the core of my values and the person I believe myself to be, so I tend to become–some would say–irrationally defensive when my integrity is questioned. But why?

The answer, of course, lies in the past and is closely connected to the energy of the Justice Card. It’s a pattern that occasionally repeats itself.

I was ten years old and a shy, studious, but very creative fifth grader at a tiny school in rural Brinson, GA, known as The Oaks Academy. The building was ancient and settled in beautifully among oak-filled woods, poison ivy, and a few crops. I wasn’t one of the popular kids but I prided myself on my honesty and on my reputation for being honest and hard-working. These were things my parents had taught me–to do right by others–and even in elementary school, integrity and honesty were the foundation for my self identity. I still had that idealism that if you had integrity and if you were honest, it was all you needed, that Justice would win out.

Back at the Oaks Academy, during our recesses and lunch periods, we were encouraged to play outdoors among the oaks and up to the edge of the woods. I don’t remember who started it but I was definitely among the first to build “forts” around the trees. This involved staking out a favorite oak or group of oaks in the edge of the woods, raking back the leaves, surrounding the favored area with broken limbs or rocks to mark the boundaries, and creating a place to socialize with our friends. My forts were always incredible, with fossilized-shell-encrusted rocks for my guests to sit on while we oohed and ahhed over some antique bottle or piece of treasure we’d found in the woods at playtime.

Near the end of the fifth grade when May had already started to turn hot, I had an argument with one of the popular girls on a Friday afternoon. The subject, ironically, was over religious books, and quiet little bookworm that I was, I was outshouted but not moved in my beliefs.

The next Monday, as I walked out onto the playground, my classmates descended on me, screaming at me, demanding to know “Why did you do it?”

“Do what?” I asked. My very soft voice wasn’t heard the first few times.

“You know what!”

Someone went to get a teacher who was to act as either mediator or judge, though in reality, the plan was that the judge would agree with the mob that surrounded me. I was scared. I was in trouble. Authorities were being called in and I didn’t know why. I’d never seen my classmates so angry with me and I had no idea why but with all the pushing, shoving, and yelling, I was really afraid. Some had sticks. Some had rocks. And they were all angry at ME.

After long minutes of the popular girls shrilling at me from inches away, one of them finally suggested I be taken back to the scene of the “crime” and forced to look at what I’d done as part of my punishmen. They led me to a “fort” on the Northern outskirts of the school property, one that the popular girls had created the week before after declining to spend any time building forts until then, one I’d never been inside because I wasn’t part of that crowd and wasn’t allowed. All their treasures had been kicked over. Nothing that couldn’t be righted during one play period, but still, they’d been invaded and damaged. In the entire year of fort-building, this had never happened before, to any of us. But I didn’t understand what that had to do with me.

“Why’d you do it?” one of the popular girls spat at me.

I couldn’t believe anyone would think I’d destroy what they’d built. All I could do was shake my head and say I didn’t, but they were so loud that I couldn’t be heard. It wasn’t just my head that was shaking. I was shaking all over. Fear. Anger. I truly believed that all one had to do was tell the truth because the truth would set you free. But telling the truth wasn’t working. And I didn’t know what to do. If anything, telling the truth made them angrier.

I finally gathered enough of my voice that I was able to make myself heard. “I didn’t do it!” I shouted back.

My classmates quieted down. They weren’t used to hearing me yell. In the sudden quiet, one asked, “Well, if you didn’t do it, then who did?”

I didn’t know. I had no idea. My lack of an answer was further proof to them of my guilt. Their fort, the one on the Northen fringe of the playground near the highway, was the only one that had been damaged. Mine,
on the other side of the school, hadn’t been touched. Evidence, they declared. Who else would have such ill intentions toward them? Everybody liked them but me, and I’d had an argument with their ring leader only days before.

I still thought all I had to do was to be honest. “I didn’t do it,” I insisted.

“Liar,” the leader of the popular girls announced in front of the thirty or so kids surrounding me. “Don’t you look at me with those innocent eyes! I know better!”

I wonder now about the look on my face that made her see innocence in my eyes when she wouldn’t believe it. Before I could say anything else, someone in the group demanded justice, and if I wouldn’t admit to being a liar, then they’d go find justice themselves. I stood there alone with tears running down my cheeks from my “innocent eyes” as they marched away to the other side of the school, to where my fort was. Amid cheers, it took a couple of dozen irate children less than five minutes to destroy everything I’d built over the past school year. There was nothing left–the stone stools, the antique bottles, the perfect boundaries, the treasures–all gone or shattered. Nothing left but their anger and sudden feelings of vindication. Of “justice.”

The justice there was certainly a balancing action, so that their sense of justice was served by giving them something that, in their sight, was equal to what they’d lost. But their frenzy for justice left something dreadfully unbalanced for me.

As I stood there, at a distance, watching through my tears, the teacher in charge of the playground strode up to me and pursed her lips. “What are you crying about?” she asked, not too happy that her coffee time with another teacher had been interrupted by several pre-pubescent girls. Before I could tell her I’d been falsely accused of something and no one would believe me, she added, “And you’d better NOT be crying about those forts or you’re going to be in more trouble, young lady!”

I never told her what I was crying about. It wasn’t about the fort I’d have to leave behind when school was out the next week. It was about having my honesty questioned. But she wouldn’t have known the difference. And all I felt was the sting of injustice and the loss of something more precious to me that a bunch of rocks and logs.

The school year ended a few days later. I didn’t see my classmates over the summer, and when school started again in the fall, the fort incident had been long forgotten by everyone. Everyone but me, Innocent Eyes. My friends were still my friends, the popular girls were still popular without me, and we built new forts in new places. But the trauma of being at the mercy of an angry mob of my peers and with no help from either authority or the truth, well, that has always stuck with me and helped to shape my ideas of justice and integrity and balance.

I did finally find a small degree of balance, though I never found the justice I’d desired. Years later, after the popular girls were no longer at my school and no one but me cared that that incident had ever happened, one of my classmates asked if I remembered the time I’d been accused of destroying someone else’s playthings and had almost been beaten up over it if the teacher hadn’t been on her way to stop it.

Her older brother had had two friends over and they’d told her a funny story. One weekend in May a few years before, the two high school boys who lived down the road from my school decided to take a shortcut through the woods on the way to the store for ice-cold bottles of Coca-Cola. As they walked the perimeter of the school property on their way back, they saw the fort on the Northern border and had a little fun kicking things over before heading off in search of something more exciting to do with a Sunday afternoon.

From Living the Tarot: A Collection of Personal Excavations to Aid in
Learning Tarot Meanings and Symbolism,  Excerpt Copyright 2007, by Lorna Tedder

Shannon, leaving home

D-Day.  August 16, 2008.  Lunar Eclipse and other earth-shaking events–like Shannon goes to college; mom stays home.

My first-born has left the nest.  I’m a little sad–because she’s not just my daughter but my friend and confidante, and I will miss her terribly–but I’m not the basketcase people have warned me about.   I seem to be taking her fledging in stride much better than the parents who aren’t close to their now-grown children.  I know in my heart that she’s not really leaving me and that she’s simply out adventuring and learning and she’ll share those things with me at our next opportunity.

Brian and La Guitarra

The house is quiet, and that seems strange.  The house has been a-buzz with so much energy this summer, and lots of laughter and music.  The only music now, though, is the occasional “Crash and Burn” duet of Brian and Amy’s that pops into my head.  But my houseguests are gone, and Robert-the-Boyfriend is no longer showing up at whatever moment he can to see Shannon.  Regina Spektor and umpteen show-tunes aren’t being hummed in every room of the house at once, and for the moment, there are no candles and no incense burning.  Aislinn is spending the weekend with her sister, doing a little last-minute bonding.  Even Grendel, now accompanying Shannon to his new home, isn’t whining to come sit at my feet while I write.   It is quiet here.

Amy & Aislinn

Quiet but busy.  Shannon left me a few souvenirs.  Like an incredibly ransacked bedroom because she ran out of time and couldn’t get everything packed, even at 3 AM this morning.  She left behind all those stuffed animals I suggested she use as packing in the U-Haul.  But I’ll get her back for that–I’ve told her I won’t be like other moms who turn their fledglings’ rooms into sewing parlors but instead, I’ll turn it into a “dungeon” with chains on the walls to secure a few good submissive men for my entertainment.  She thinks I’m kidding.  She left behind a 1986 BMW for me to sell, too, mainly because she couldn’t bear to part with it herself and she’s now driving her dad’s fairly new hand-me-down.  She also left behind her driver’s license, which I found in the middle of the street after she left this morning, in the spot where she’d dropped something out of the U-Haul, except now it had rained on her license and the garbage truck had run over it and squished it up.  I mailed it to her anyway, all the while visualizing cop cars not seeing her to pull her over.  She did take with her the infamous “Din’saur Blanket” I made for her when she was a baby, even though it’s faded from bold primary colors to a dingy white and is almost threadbare.

I’m incredibly proud that she chose me to be her mother in this lifetime, and overjoyed at the brilliant, well-grounded, loving, creative, and responsible adult she’s become, plus a billion other adjectives that are synonyms for terrific.

Brian & Piano

Things will be different now that she’s gone to make a home of her own in another city.  For one thing, I’ll be heading to Orlando a whole lot more, and already have several visits planned over the next few months.  Maybe we’ll go to Disney one weekend and Cassadega for another.  I’ll get more sleep, too, since I won’t be staying up so late to wait for her to come home from work.  The Three-of-Cups energy that’s been our home for the past few years will remain, but without Shannon (and her friends) and the dog, the concept of feminine family harmony and my little matriarchy will shift somewhat to just Aislinn and me as a couple and we’ll be coordinating new schedules.  Aislinn will be dating and driving soon, and already has an overactive social life and work schedule, so I’ll be focusing on new relationships, too.  The harmonic Three-of-Cups energy will remain, but in a different way that’s suited to a different mix of people.

Shannon & Amy, looking sexy

Shannon thinks I’ll be having more people in my house very soon, more groups, more romance.   And I feel it, too.  The ripples in the pond move outward, and I’ve been paying attention only to the innermost circles in recent years, concentrating most of all on family.  So there’s an odd sense of freedom and expansion that comes with this new season. Not just for me, but for Aislinn, too, as she begins to really find herself and the things she wants to pursue. 

Lorna Tedder, Summer Solstice feast, 21-22 June

So I’m just a little at odds at the moment, as I feel my way through this transition.  Though there are several very sweet men calling me for a date this weekend, I’m probably a little too preoccupied to be good company.  Instead, I’m focusing still on home right now and the changes in it.  I’ve already met this afternoon with someone who wanted to test-drive Shannon’s old car and on my way home, I stopped suddenly at the plant nursery and bought $8.48 in impatiens at their end-of-season sale.  Lots of bright colors–raspberry, orange, pink,  red, and pale pink–to put in the six huge pots on the back patio and relish.  I do the same every year,  and buy them for next to nothing, even with silly people telling me, “Lorna, you’re stupid–it’s the end of the season!”  Yet they always last through the rest of August, September, October, November, and sometimes December.  And sometimes they come back in the Spring, even though they’re annuals and the winter can be harsh.  I have a way of helping things bloom again.

Autumn is coming, and it’s not a better or worse season than Summer, only different.  Regardless of the season, I always have flowers blooming in my home, and this nest of mine is never really empty: it is filled with love. 

Do the rocks control the river or does the river have more power?  Engaging photo by Hamad Darwish; used here under a creative commons license

The New Moon and Full Moon are always wonderful times for meditation and ritual, or just for self-reflection on where you are in your life.  The Full Moon of July 17-18 (depending on your time zone) will be a very “serious” moon.

With the Sun in Cancer, all those emotions are flowy and intense, and I have to say, the meditations and rituals of the last New Moon and the Summer Solstice were extremely powerful and have yielded some amazing results for everyone I’ve spoken with.  In every case, there has been a Two of Cups feel to the results–a new agreement that will eventually yield cold hard cash, a new way of bonding between people who thought their relationship was done, a new beginning that forces people to come together in unusual new beginnings.  These have all been more like intense promise rather than physical manifestation, in all these cases, something occurring that must shift EVERYTHING before the future can come to fruition.  Or, as I said a month ago, a time of BRIDGES between how things were and how they will be.

This July Full Moon carries a different flavor.  It’s in the sign of Capricorn which has the texture of seriousness, restraint, heaviness, harshness, reality, solidity, and even coldness.  Maybe it’s just me, but everyone around me right now seems to be going through a time of feeling loss or structure as Jupiter–normally an expansive influence–is also in Capricorn.  If nothing else, the US economy is having a muting effect on many people right now.

If we look at the high and low manifestations of this cosmic weather, we have a choice for how to direct our meditation work and its results for the next month.  We can either look at the cold hard facts and restraints of our emotional arena, mostly relationships, or we can focus on solidifying and structuring those relationships.  In either case, it’s a time of structure to our emotions.  We can focus on cold reality and cut our losses or we can focus on bringing emotional promises into the physical realm, whether those emotional promises involved relationships with other people or relationships with, say, money and paying off old debts. 

Pardon me while I channel (!), but I see this moon’s energy as either dam walls or high riverbanks–directing, holding, guiding, restraining all that watery emotional flow.  We are moving into a time that is “just around the riverbend,” but this month, we’ll be aware as much of what holds the river to its course as we are of the river itself.

 Attitude is one of those things that’s often underrated because it’s not easily measured.  You know it when you see it in people (or experience it) and it affects your world–as well as their own.

Most people would be banging their heads against the walls by now, but I’m staying rather upbeat, watching this experiment in human dynamics play out as I take bids on multiple home repair jobs.  The unexpected variable in this experiment is attitude, not expertise,  money, or any form of a typical business deal.  This is something I learned at home this week, not in the 21 years I negotiated contracts for the Department of Defense where performance, schedule, cost, and past performance are the usual parameters and “attitude” doesn’t get to play at all.

Innately, I know that I don’t want anyone in my home-sweet-home who has a mean streak, is lazy, or snarls daily, whether they’re installing a lamp fixture or unclogging a toilet.  I keep a lovely and serene environment and I don’t want that spoiled by snarky people.  It’s my sanctuary, even if it does need a few things fixed up. And that’s where attitude comes into play–I want to keep my attitude upbeat and happy and that means dealing with people of like mind…or at least, like attitude.  From a spiritual standpoint, I want that kind of energy in my environment.

A little background: as many of my readers know, Hurricanes Dennis, Katrina, and finally Rita finished off my roof several years ago.  To add insult to injury, Home Depot’s roofers decimated my gardens by not following normal cleanup procedures (read that, they shoveled debris onto my gardens instead of onto a tarp and into a dumpster), parked a dumpster on my lawn and damaged the sprinklers, and did such a poor job in the first ELEVEN days that rain poured through my ceiling, down the walls, and caused plenty of damage inside my home.  I’ll go easy on my blood pressure and not post the photo of the tree branch that was shingled over….   I battled it out with them for 18 months (two springtimes) but they had about 35 more lawyers than I did and, just so I could get on with my life, I ended up settling for a pittance of what it cost to make the repairs inside the house.  During that time, I was advised not to do anything with the damaged gardens, interior, or sprinklers and while I waited month after month for them to send various people to  survey the damage.  Meanwhile, the gardens turned into a jungle I never got control over.

To finish all the repair and refurbishment projects that resulted from various hurricane-and-roofer-related damage, I needed an electrician, an exterior house painter, a tile layer, a carpenter, a lawn service, and a sprinkler repair man.  Yeah, like I’ve got time for that.  So for $15, I outsourced it to AskSunday.com whose virtual assistants in India set up a series of appointments with local repairmen to provide me with quotes, made the initial contact, and explained what was needed.  The results were actually a little too much for me for about 48 hours because I had repairmen all over my property to assess the job but the wheels were in motion and my home was on its way to looking like the gardens on the 9 of Pentacles card!

And this is where the attitude variable came into the equation.

Several contenders quickly fell by the wayside because they refused to talk to someone with a foreign accent or flat-out lied and said they didn’t do the kind of work they had just advertised in that day’s newspaper.  Some made slurs in reference to my foreign assistants. Okay, off the list.  I don’t need their brand of energy on my property or in my home.

The next to fall out of the competition were the ones who lectured me or belittled me regarding the jungle in my back yard.  If I wanted to be lectured, I’d still be married to my ex, thank you.  After that, I crossed off the ones who acted as if being hired would be such an inconvenience to them, at any price.  Nope, don’t need that either.

In the end, I have found the right people for the jobs.  They’re not necessarily the cheapest or have the longest history as a local company.  But the one thing they have in common is a great attitude–positive, helpful, understanding, uncomplaining, let’s-get-this-done, wonderful energy that will carry over into their work and into the product they leave behind.  I feel that I’m truly partnering with them to get the job done.

You know, I know how to conduct a source selection (competition) and have many, many times for the US Government for many millions of dollars, but I’ve never used attitude as part of the evaluation criteria.  Partly, I suppose, because it can’t be objectively measured.  But given my own whirlwind competition, it makes me wonder what would happen with all the Defense Department’s acquisitions if attitude played a bigger part in the selection.

It’s not that I am trying to change the cards that have already been dealt.  Instead, my plan is to change the cards that I WILL be dealt.

My friend jokes with me that I always pull such powerful cards, often the same power cards EVERY SINGLE TIME.  She shuffles, she tosses them onto the table, and time and again, they’ll be the same.  I’m amused by it and don’t really mind because most of these cards are nice power-cards and terrific affirmations.  But some aren’t so nice and I get them repeatedly.  Oh, like the Tower Card, for example.  Or the Happy Squirrel of Death.

I’ve had this happen with other Tarot-loving friends, too.  Three years ago, in every reading, I kept getting the Two of Cups in regard to one particular person.  Separate days, different decks, many variables, same card.  We kept testing, just having fun, and there it was every time.  Oh, and the Tower Card was in there a few times, too.

“Why is it,” I ask my friend, “that I seem to get some of the same cards over and over and yet others, I never get…at ALL?”

“Well, honey, which cards do you WANT?”

That was a whiplash moment. For the most part, my cards have been heavily focused on business, ideas, projects.  And I’ve been focused on that, too.  My readings seldom focus on relationships and emotions and when they do, it’s usually that frakking Tower Card again.  No simple, lovely Two of Cups for a new relationship or a Four of Wands or a Ten of Cups.  Nope, if I get cups for myself, it’s mostly going to be an 8 of Cups, read in such as way that’s usually about redefining myself and what I want.  I’ve noticed a trend though–I’ve been getting fewer conflict cards, a bazillion idea cards, solid money cards, and usually family-related emotional cards.  Once read, I digest where I am in those life areas and if there are any changes I want to make in the life I’m leading.

And yet, I’ve never considered it in the way of “which cards do you WANT?”

I think of this now as a form of vision-boarding.  I consider all the cards I want to be thrown for me–cards that represent expansion of various areas of my life.  What cards do I want to see more of?  Less of?  What cards do I want to introduce into my world, fully representing the coming manifestation of all that I desire?

It’s not a matter of dealing with the cards I’ve been dealt–good or bad–but deciding which cards I want dealt for me in the future.  That means thinking ahead, anticipating good things, wonderful new things, pleasant familiar things, and lots of happy, dancing, celebrating people on the cards next time.