Squirrel menage a trois

Outside my office window, 3 squirrels  aren’t natural?  Photo copyright by Lorna Tedder; all rights reserved.

From the upcoming book, Third Degree and Rising; originally published in 2007.

Observations….

- Not all sex toys are dishwasher safe.

- Thanks to the girls’ not keeping the puppy out of the laundry room, all my panties are now crotchless.

- Statistically speaking, if a 75-year-old woman is drinking at 7:41 AM while walking along Highway 20 in Bluewater Bay, there is a 98.7463728 percent chance she’ll stumble in front of my car.

- The male co-worker who shows up in my office and asks if I’m okay with his closing the door so he can talk personnel issues and he doesn’t want to frighten me— since, after all, he’s a man and I’m a woman and he wouldn’t want me to be nervous about him closing the door to talk to me alone—has no idea that I have a Feeldoe Stout hidden in my bedroom closet for just the right man, whenever I should find him. Who’s nervous now, pony-boy?

- Dogs and cats have short noses so they don’t get them wet in their water bowls. Men do not.

- A lot of men say they want a dominant female in their lives but they really want only one night of something different and in addition to that, they want to tell the dominant female exactly how to dominate them on that one particular night. Yeah, and people in hell want ice water, too.

- When other drivers see you dancing and singing behind the steering wheel, they honk and act like they’ve just caught you doing something embarrassing instead of smiling and cranking up their own tunes.

- The 30-year-old guy who writes me and says he wants to meet me and if I talk as much as I write (I don’t), he’ll have to find a way to keep my mouth busy and that because he took the time to read a journal entry, he deserves a response…isn’t going to get one.

- As a tattooed, nose-stud wearing friend once told me, if you’re flying the friendly skies, pack your vibrator in your checked luggage, not your carryon. First of all, do you really need it at 30,000 feet? And second, airport security WILL take things out of your bag when they search it, and you really don’t know who else’s bags their hands have been in.

- When I die, I want to be cremated with my ashes scattered to the winds. I do not want my loved ones visiting a stone in the cemetery as if that’s where I’m hanging out. It’s not where I’ll be. However, if they do see fit to bury vs cremate, then I insist my epitaph reflect my spiritual beliefs: I’ll Be Back.

My birthday’s coming up in just a few weeks, and you know what that means?  I’m finishing up a year when my Solar Return Sun was in my Eighth House. Yeah….

I admit, I’d been really dreading this past year for a long time now.  I have heard dire warnings from astrologers to consider traveling just to make certain that my Solar Return Sun was either in the Seventh House of relationships and partnerships or in the Ninth House of education and travel.  Any place but in the Eighth House!   The idea was that I might be at some other spot on the planet at that exact moment and by traveling on my Solar Return birthday to somewhere else, it would change the position of the houses within my Solar Return Chart.  Lost yet?

A Solar Return Chart is a special chart for your birthday year based on where you are on the day that the Sun is in the exact place that it was on the day you were born. Though my birthday is March 3rd, my solar return usually takes place on March 2nd.  A chart is cast for that day when the Sun matches its position on the day of my birth and it’s like a natal (birth) chart for the entire year–yep, with planets and houses and everything.  The thing is, while the planets for that day are in the same conjunctions, oppositions, squares, etc, regardless of where you are in the world, the houses can change–a little bit, at least–if you travel, thereby putting a planet in a more favorable house.  Some astrologers believe you can alter your chart for the year by making a birthday trip and others think that your chart reverts back to where you live most of the year and so a trip out of town just isn’t worth it.  Most people can’t afford to fly to Europe for a better chart, anyway.

For me, it didn’t really matter that much.  I would have had to travel out of the country to have made any difference with an Eighth House Sun, and it would have adversely affected a lovely stellium (a whole bunch) of planets in my Seventh House of relationships.  I accepted that there was little chance of escaping an Eight House Sun and instead, made plans to enjoy a quiet day at home in my garden and try not to be too afraid.

What makes an Eighth House Solar Return Sun so terrifying?

When it comes to astrological charts and their twelve life sectors, called “houses,” the scariest piece of the pie is the Eighth House, followed closely by the mysterious Twelfth House.  The Eighth House is about death, sex, regeneration, other people’s money, secrets.  If your Sun is going to be shining a light on all those issues for you in a coming year, then yes, it can make you anxious.

I’d heard so many horrendous stories–though in hindsight, they were mostly from amateur astrologers who knew just enough to assume the worst and then blather about it.  Even the best of astrology websites talked about a Solar Return Eighth House Sun bringing massive change and upheaval.  And let’s face it:  for most of us, the idea of change is frightening.  We think of change as away from the security we know and love–and even sometimes hate–and rarely toward a good thing unless life has been really terrible recently.

Take heart, fearful ones, because here’s how it manifested for me.

Looking back over the past eleven months,  I have to agree that it’s been an extremely important year where death, sex, secrets, other people’s money, and regeneration were all spotlighted for me.  Most definitely a year of transformation but not in a bad way at all…and that’s after being at a nicely serene and happy place in my life the previous year.   If you feel good about where you are in your life, then the idea of change is something you’re probably quite resistant to.  But life can get even better.

Death — Death is probably the biggest concern when it comes to the Eighth House.  I did in fact have to face mortality issues throughout the year.  The second time happened half-way through the year when an X-ray technician failed to follow my doctor’s orders for a routine exam, resulting in a lot of un-necessary X-rays and ultrasounds–as well as a month of excruciating worry because the medical offices involved tried to cover-up their mistakes, leaving me to think they’d found “something really bad.”  The first mortality issue occurred at the beginning of the Solar Return year.  A medical problem cropped up that had some dire consequences but I found metaphysical ways to deal with it and over the course of the year, it went away.  One of the big lessons for the year was in figuring out how to let go of emotional wounds that caused physical illness and injury.  Overall, this year about the death of a lot of old ways of thinking that no longer served me.  It was also about the death of a few key friendships, but to be honest, I don’t miss them and am surprised at that.

Other People’s Money — This wasn’t a particularly big area for me except that my debt increased somewhat.  I was able to make changes in my retirement accounts before I lost major bucks in the stock market, so that part was good.  Seeing everyone’s retirement accounts drop and how people who planned to retire soon had to change their plans, I rethought how I look at retirement and realized that I probably never will.  Instead, I’ll take mini-retirements and have fun along the way instead of deferring life to when I’m oldest.  That in itself was an eye-opener about how I want to design my future.  I also borrowed money to make some  long-overdue house repairs and updates, including repairs that weren’t finished after Hurricane Katrina.  These reflect Second House possessions issues (on the opposite side of the chart) but were more about transforming my ideas on money.

Secrets — I’ve always been very good at keeping secrets (when asked) but this was the year I finally made the distinction of where other people’s secrets were hurtful because the secrecy made them my burden to carry and somehow not the responsibility of the person who’d instigated the secret.  I hadn’t realized what anchors I’d attached my helium balloon out of loyalty to friends.  Most of my dealings with secrets overlap into the other Eighth House issues I had.  The paradox of it is that while I’ve been living my life “in the open” for several years now, people I was loyal to were not, and their secrecy and dishonesty had a negative effect on my health.  What I learned from the Eighth House is that I will not be hidden by other people in my life, whether it’s my views, my existence, or my feelings.

Sex – I really don’t know what to say about this one.  I think I went into the Solar Return year wondering if I was going to discover that I’m really a closet lesbian or get a sudden craving for a sex change.  I didn’t feel that I’d partner up with anyone on a definitive long-term commitment basis, which made me wonder how the year would go.  I’m leaving the year with some new perspectives on sexuality and much more relaxed than I’ve ever been.  Overall, the sex was fantastic–best ever!

Regeneration — If the Eighth House is about death and rebirth, then yes, there was much regeneration for me this past year.  Not just transformation, but regeneration. While a lot of my old ways of thinking died and were reborn or re-focused into something even more productive,  this regeneration was never a bad thing.  It always got me to a higher level of being and to increased vitality and happiness.  I saw a physical regeneration that astonished me.  To an outsider, these may seem small but they were huge changes to me. I’d ignored dermatologists for years but one visit and a prescription skin regimen and I was doing the very uncharacteristic thing of staring into a mirror for 30 minutes at a time.  The changes made me look as I had maybe fifteen years ago, back when I had had no appreciation for my appearance because most of the people in my life spent their time pointing out my flaws. A new pair of contact lenses had big ramifications, too, not just for the sake of appearance but eased my aggravation with reading glasses.  I discovered a few health products that helped me detox and feel better than ever. I felt more vital and aware of my body than I probably ever have.

In summary

So, yes, an Eighth House Solar Return Sun brought big changes–good changes–into my life.  I’ll have another Eighth House Sun in a few years and I’ll keep in mind that they don’t have to spell disaster–they can mean better changes than I’ve ever known existed.

He’s 23 and has the physique of a demi-god, but that’s not what attracted me to him.  It’s more the fact that he’s a firefighter with a wicked sense of humor.  I love it when a man can keep me laughing…in a good way.

Our first date is very casual–a cup of chai tea at a local establishment–to see if anything clicks between us.  Like most first dates, there’s a degree of sizing each other up and, like most guys, he tries to impress me with tales of his heroics or hard times he’s overcome.  I smile as I recognize the mating ritual in full play, and he’s made it quite clear that he’s interested.

Sitting across the narrow table from me, he confesses that he’s always adored older women but he can’t pin down the reason why.  He promises that whatever I might be interested in with him, he will not disappoint me.  That makes me laugh, even though he didn’t mean for it to be funny.  He’s trying very hard to be worthy of my attention, and I think it’s sweet.

He wonders aloud if older women are more interesting because we’re grateful, and oh, but that really makes me laugh.  And costs him a few points, too.  It’s an oft-stated assumption that’s, well, just plain wrong in the context of his question.

Ben Franklin wasn’t entirely accurate in his famous letter, known as the Old Mistress’ Apologue, in 1745:

But if you will not take this Counsel, and persist in thinking a Commerce with the Sex inevitable, then I repeat my former Advice, that in all your Amours you should prefer old Women to young ones. You call this a Paradox, and demand my Reasons. They are these:

1. Because as they have more Knowledge of the World and their Minds are better stored with Observations, their Conversation is more improving and more lastingly agreeable.

2. Because when Women cease to be handsome, they study to be good. To maintain their Influence over Men, they supply the Diminution of Beauty by an Augmentation of Utility. They learn to do Services small and great and are the most tender and useful of all Friends when you are sick. Thus they continue amiable. And hence there is hardly such a thing to be found as an old Woman who is not a good Woman.

3. Because there is no hazard of Children, which irregularly produced may be attended with much Inconvenience.

4. Because through more Experience, they are more prudent and discreet in conducting an Intrigue to prevent Suspicion. The Commerce with them is they are safer with regard to your Reputation. And with regard to theirs, if the Affair should happen to be known, considerate People might be rather inclined to excuse an old Woman who would kindly take care of a young Man, form his Manners by her good Counsels, and prevent his ruining his Health and Fortune among mercenary Prostitutes.

5. Because in every Animal that walks upright, the Deficiency of the Fluids that fill the Muscles appears first in the highest Part: The Face first grows lank and wrinkled; then the Neck; then the Breast and Arms; the lower Parts continuing to the last as plump as ever: So that covering all above with a Basket and regarding only what is below the Girdle, it is impossible of two Women to know an old from a young one. And as in the dark all Cats are grey, the Pleasure of corporal Enjoyment with an old Woman is at least equal, and frequently superior, every Knack being by Practice capable of Improvement.

6. Because the Sin is less. The debauching a Virgin may be her Ruin, and may lead to a Life unhappy.

7. Because the Compunction is less. The having made a young Girl miserable may give you frequent bitter Reflections; none of which can attend the making an old Woman happy.

8 Eighthly and Lastly, They are so grateful!!

The reason Ben’s advice sounds so off to me–besides being 265 years old–is that it’s from the point of view of a man already at middle age.  Maybe cougars 265 years ago were grateful,  but it just doesn’t fit so well in 2010.

I much prefer Frank Kaiser’s “In Praise of Older Women,” a column that is mistakenly attributed to Andy Rooney.  Even though it’s aimed at women a generation older than I am, I have appreciated the column since I first heard of it almost a decade ago.    My favorite parts?

Older women are sublime.  They seldom contemplate having a shouting match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive dinner.  Of course, if you deserve it, they won’t hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it.

Yes, women with a little bit of maturity aren’t as likely to be drama queens.  So right about that.  I hear this from my younger friends more than any other reason for appreciating an older woman.

And then there’s this gem that says it all:

An older woman has been around long enough to know who she is, what she wants, and from whom.

Time now to understand the word grateful in its proper context.   I’m not grateful because I’m desperate for a man, any man.  Too damned picky for that.  But when it comes to gratitude, yes, it’s there.

I am grateful for the sexy younger men in my life because I recognize that those full heads of hair and six-pack abs are fleeting, that that fiery passion and enthusiasm for life is often tamped down by the burdens  of paying the mortgage and feeding a family, that the rambunctious innocence of a young man can become jaded after a few drudge jobs and a divorce or two.  I appreciate that part of a man’s life and love to breathe it in with him before–as happens too often–he becomes tainted by the mundane.

Young men are still grateful themselves–a man in his 40’s will criticize an older woman’s weight, clothes, hair, ideas, and ideals whereas a man in his 20’s dismisses all those restrictions and shouts, “Woo-hoo, a naked woman!” without insisting she be registered to vote for the same party.

I’m filled with appreciation for such sweet men to be in my life and I’m grateful  because…well, because that’s what I like and what I get.  And if the Law of Attraction is working in its tip-top form, then my gratitude will serve me by bringing more younger men into my life of such outstanding caliber.

Here’s what happened.

Control Your Submissive Boy:
150 Ways for the New Domme to Master Her Man

This book is written within the context of a loving female-led marriage or long-term relationship between a man and a woman because we do not believe there is enough credible instruction and idea-generators available for the new domme or for the wife who has been introduced to Dominance by her submissive husband. It can also be used in the context of short-term and uncommitted relationships.

The purpose of this book is to serve as a launching point for new ideas to spice up your sex life and/or love life, and hopefully to take you in interesting new directions that make your life more…fulfilled.

Available in print later this summer

Available as a pdf ebook at http://www.spilledcandybookstore.com/Control_Your_Submissive_Boy.html

Available as a prc ebook for your wireless device at http://www.mobipocket.com/en/eBooks/eBookDetails.asp?BookID=91930

or for your Kindle (currently at half price) at http://www.amazon.com/Control-Your-Submissive-Boy-Master/dp/B001CNGQS4/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=digital-text&qid=1216439602&sr=1-1

(The previously mentioned 2nd book is no longer offered for free.)

My own personal sexual revolution did not arrive with a fanfare of one-night stands  or birth control prescriptions or discreetly wrapped sex toys delivered via UPS.  It crept up quietly as, in the wake of my divorce,  I had a few surprises pointed out to me about myself that I had not realized, and then I spent a few years taking a huge step back from everything I had ever thought was true about my sexuality.

A clairvoyant friend who was right about many, many things, told me in February 2004, between visits to my divorce lawyer, that by February 2009, I would have a new man and a whole new life.  He told me that life was going to be vastly different in ways I could not fathom. I’m less than a year from the future we were discussing, but in many ways, I’m already there.  I am, at the very least, quite ready and actively pursuing that wonderfully different life he forecasted.   The identity of the man  (or men?) has not yet been settled, but I can certainly see how I fit into this fantasy.

What I’ve had to do to get to this serene place with my own appetites has been to pull away and look objectively at all the things I was told–by my childhood religion, by TV and books and movies, by well-meaning friends, by clueless lovers who judged me by their own appetites–and look really hard at what I like and dislike without the context of the programming I’ve received since I was a little girl.

There are modes and methods I’ve never enjoyed, will never enjoy.  Confess that to a lover and suddenly it’s a deficiency, an inadequacy as a woman NOT to adhere to some boring man’s idea of a good time.  On the flip side, discover what you might really like or might really like to try  and discreetly tell your best female friends…and hear how that’s not really what you need because what you really need is what they really need.  Ah, no accounting for differences, huh?  Let’s draw that hard line between the sexes and what men are supposed to enjoy and what women are supposed to enjoy and if you can’t check the boxes on the list, then there’s something wrong with you, right?

A lot of these reinforced expectations ate away at my self-esteem when I was younger.  Men told me, women told me, the media told me–I’m supposed to like certain things and dislike certain things.  Sure,be yourself, but be the self that’s been painted as “normal.”  I’ve figured it out now, and now I know that sexuality is as diverse a path as spirituality and it’s always a very “individual” path uniquely suited to each of us and hopefully intersecting with the unique paths of the right lovers for each of us.  I’ve stopped letting the expectations of others determine how I satisfy my appetites or if I satisfy them at all.  I’ve taken that big step back from the media and well-meaning friends who react in either pity or disgust if my preferences don’t align perfectly with theirs and I’ve found a place where I feel I’ve come home, much as I did with my spiritual path over a decade ago.  No lover or friend will ever make me feel bad about myself again because I don’t meet his expectations because, frankly, I’m much more concerned about my own expectations these days.

Am I letting current people in my life influence my appetites, as one friend from a decade ago alleged because I wasn’t following her insistence at how terrific it would be if I, too, were a bratty submissive?  No.  I’ve  taken a gander at that as well, to make sure I’ve arrived at this place on my own terms.  Looking back, I can see that certain patterns of enjoyment were always there, in the background or buried under expectation of how I was supposed to be.  I’m simply letting it come forward now and no longer caring what images have been modeled for me by the culture around me.

It’s a level of ease, sincerity, serenity, clarity,  and pleasure that feels very natural to me. The sexual revolution isn’t about the  freedom to indulge in carnal knowledge–it’s about the freedom to enjoy and express your sexuality as no one else in the world ever could.

______

Recommended Reading to spice up your love life:

Control Your Submissive Boy:

150 Ways for the New Domme to Master Her Man

by Raven Michaels Lockhart

For detailed description, click here.