What It Is Wednesday: Losing Faith

tellit-Wed

 

“I lose my faith in people…why even take the time?” –“Shut In” by Strand of Oaks

Sitting in the doc’s reception area, waiting to be called back, & I just keep shaking my head in disbelief at some people. Most of my friends know I’ve had huge issues with hypocrisy since I was 14 or younger. Some remember things that happened at church. A certain preacher, a certain minister of music, a whole bunch of deacons & their kids. I learned young how people can claim righteousness and do incredibly self-serving things & lie through their teeth while smiling at you. 

But what I also learned was how important honesty was. To me, at least. It’s part of what I consider living in a sacred way, right up there equal to compassion.

I always try to live my life in a truthful, open way…while being put down or “pitied” by those more “pious” because I don’t attend their church or circle. It’s the hypocrisy I see in those who are oh-so-godly, regardless of their denomination, that I have always struggled with.

Live your faith or don’t, but own it. You can’t abide by the tenets of your faith? Fine–be bold with it. You may hold me to what I call myself but I may very well live by the tenets of your own religion while you do not. Irony. You don’t get to pick which tenets to ignore just because they’re uncomfortable and still think God favors you more than anyone else.

I tend to inspire strong feelings in people–either they are loyal to a fault bc they know how much I try to do to help them as part of my soul purpose or they hate my guts for being different, and there is very little in between.

But one thing no one can truthfully say about me: that I don’t have integrity or more specifically that I am intentionally deceptive. My ex-husband used to say I was ridiculously stubborn about ethical issues. I don’t see anything wrong with that.

A coworker recently admonished me for “living in sunshine” instead of hiding my convictions, but I don’t see anything wrong with openness and honesty, mixed with compassion. He told me that a lot of people hate me and go to great lengths to throw roadblocks in my way for that reason, because they can’t shut me up when they like the cover of darkness. My openness makes them uncomfortable.

I know we’re not all perfect and that we are all flawed and some believe we are all sinners. I understand that, but it’s no excuse for living a life of lies or hatred. I wish there were more people of faith who actually live it rather than use God as a shield to hide behind because the rest of us are judging your faith by you as an example.

And that’s the truth. The whole truth. Not bits and pieces of shininess for public consumption but the dirty openness that hypocrites fear.

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Back in January 2005, I started blogging regularly at a LiveJournal site called SuperGirl@40 as part of my personal therapy to work through healing from a failed marriage…and then suddenly working through all the other crap in my life from  childhood.  It was a significant part of my healing journey and I shared raw emotions and “dauntless reality” with others in a small circle of new friends who were also dealing with healing from long ago  and recent traumas.   It was a fairly private blog–well, that privacy  lasted until one of my kids mentioned it to an ex-inlaw and then I took a deep breath and watched it go public very quickly.  I still write in that raw and profound way I’m known for but having healed so many of my early and frequent wounds, I don’t really write the heavy, raw, vulnerabilities like I used to.  I’m committing here to bringing that back, in case you wonder if it ever really left.  That means committing to putting the big, scary stuff out there.

The above  post is my contribution to this week’s edition of a blog hop started by Kelley Harrell of Soul Intent Arts called “What It Is Wednesday,” which gives bloggers a chance to dauntlessly tell it like it is. You can view the inaugural post to learn more about joining in or just to read other blogs in the hop.