What It Is Wednesday: Cutting People Out

tellit-Wed

I am known for cutting people out of my life. That’s because it’s an external response, sometimes a very public one.
What isn’t known is the months or even years  of internal response, the patience, the multiple second chances, the trying so hard for so long, the bazillion times my boundaries are breached and I try again and again.
What other people see is usually the last straw and not what led up to it. They see when I crack and can take no more, and then they want to lecture me on patience they haven’t seen or been part of.
Cutting people out of my life is never the first course of action, even if the person excised is obviously unhealthy and problematic to my life. Even then, I believe in the good in people and will give a second chance, often to my detriment.
Cutting people out, as I’ve discovered in my self-excavation, is always the result of boundaries not being honored.   In analyzing this pattern, I see that people can do almost anything and I’ll give them another chance but when they plow through my boundary for the last time I can bear it, something just snaps and I’m done.   To bystanders, it usually appears that someone did some small something and I over reacted and cut them out.  That’s never the case.  Never.  The final straw is easily the one hundredth time or maybe the one thousandth.
I don’t want to cut someone out but if there is no other way to get them to honor the boundaries I set, I don’t feel I have a choice.
If you ever meet someone who says we used to be friends, even close friends, and they cannot tell you why we are no longer friends, it’s almost certainly because they couldn’t tell you where my boundaries were either…no matter how many times I pointed at the line in the sand and begged them not to cross it again.

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Back in January 2005, I started blogging regularly at a LiveJournal site called SuperGirl@40 as part of my personal therapy to work through healing from a failed marriage…and then suddenly working through all the other crap in my life from  childhood.  It was a significant part of my healing journey and I shared raw emotions and “dauntless reality” with others in a small circle of new friends who were also dealing with healing from long ago  and recent traumas.   It was a fairly private blog–well, that privacy  lasted until one of my kids mentioned it to an ex-inlaw and then I took a deep breath and watched it go public very quickly.  I still write in that raw and profound way I’m known for but having healed so many of my early and frequent wounds, I don’t really write the heavy, raw, vulnerabilities like I used to.  I’m committing here to bringing that back, in case you wonder if it ever really left.  That means committing to putting the big, scary stuff out there.

The above  post is my contribution to this week’s edition of a blog hop started by Kelley Harrell of Soul Intent Arts called “What It Is Wednesday,” which gives bloggers a chance to dauntlessly tell it like it is. You can view the inaugural post to learn more about joining in or just to read other blogs in the hop.