What It Is Wednesday: Fighting Back
Some days I wonder if I might burn in Hell for the things I’ve done, namely times when I’ve balanced a mighty imbalance or justified filling a vast injustice so that the landscape could be traversed again.
There is always the opportunity afterward to sit with my decision for a while, to wonder if I did the right thing, to wonder how things might have been if I’d taken a different path.
I used to sit with these decisions not to be a force to be reckoned with, to sit and allow, to allow myself to be bludgeoned and say nothing because I somehow thought the passive path would be brighter or smoother at some point in the future if I stayed my hand, that I would somehow through my silence one day get what I wanted.
I’ve been on that side. I never once won my desires through silence, or rather, through inaction. But through intention and action? Is that better? Yes. Do I win my heart’s desire? On rare occasion but it is still better.
Better how? Change. Balance. A settling of the shards.
And then the day came when I decided not to live the rest of that story as a victim, to speak out, to strike back, to balance the force that had been set in motion against me, and let the Tarot cards fall where they would and let the future fall where it may. Sometimes you have to take action, even if you’re not sure it’s right. You have to do something or admit defeat, claim your title as a victim. You have to defend yourself, protect yourself, be the thunder in the storm coming at you. Be the lightning in the darkness.
So I remember how it once was to do nothing in hopes of gaining everything and still lose. I may still lose by not doing nothing, but I won’t have let the moment pass, and I will have been a force of reckoning.
I am thunder. I am lightning.
I am the bringer of balance, the righter of tumbling fate.
I am both the storm that blows away deceit and the winds that sculpt the real story into the cliff face.
I am both justice and aftermath.
I am not victim but I am strength, the nightmare, the answer to prayers.
No longer fixer but settler of deeds.
I am what happens when you corner me.
Back in January 2005, I started blogging regularly at a LiveJournal site called SuperGirl@40 as part of my personal therapy to work through healing from a failed marriage…and then suddenly working through all the other crap in my life from childhood. It was a significant part of my healing journey and I shared raw emotions and “dauntless reality” with others in a small circle of new friends who were also dealing with healing from long ago and recent traumas. It was a fairly private blog–well, that privacy lasted until one of my kids mentioned it to an ex-inlaw and then I took a deep breath and watched it go public very quickly. I still write in that raw and profound way I’m known for but having healed so many of my early and frequent wounds, I don’t really write the heavy, raw, vulnerabilities like I used to. I’m committing here to bringing that back, in case you wonder if it ever really left. That means committing to putting the big, scary stuff out there.
The above post is my contribution to this week’s edition of a blog hop started by Kelley Harrell of Soul Intent Arts called “What It Is Wednesday,” which gives bloggers a chance to dauntlessly tell it like it is. You can view the inaugural post to learn more about joining in or just to read other blogs in the hop.