3 Spiritual Reasons I Finally Quit Online Dating
This week, my online dating site subscription runs out. I’m not renewing. I decided that about four months ago when I put my profile on private and began the wait to make sure they don’t auto-renew me again in spite of my directions otherwise. So I’m leaving behind online dating, I think, for good. My feelings on the subject are “Meh.” I met some nice people over the years, but no one who ever felt like a good match energetically.
And if I’m not a match energetically, then what’s the point? I’d like a companion and partner, not a stranger in my house or a roommate. I’m good without, I’m good with, but I’m miserable if I have to compromise myself spiritually and creatively. Been there.
Sure, online dating is still an avenue for meeting people, but this last round, I was just looking to socialize and nothing more. What I realized four months ago that still holds true is that I have 3 spiritual reasons to stop wasting my time–and yes, it is a waste of my time–with Match.com and other sites of that sort.
1. Even 100% Matches are not nearly a match enough.
Profiles can be written by professional marketers for these sites, so it sometimes takes a while to get to know the real person. It’s hard for me to find anyone who is even a mediocre match for me on these sites–very few men in my area share a similar spiritual belief system (something I won’t compromise on again), my view on marriage, my world view, independence, work ethic, etc. It’s not that I’m necessarily more discerning than other women in finding a match. It’s that I’m a little bit unusual and don’t fit in that well with the general population, let alone a small subset of eligible bachelors who are choosing from women as much as 30 years younger than I am. Odds are not in my favor. Very few people really understand me or accept me as I am. I’m left of center enough I don’t usually make that many connecting aspects with any one person, and if I were more of a typical woman, I’d probably be a lot more satisfied with a more typical boyfriend.
But a big part of my frustration with online dating sites is that I see my exes on there every day–even the ones who are in relationships with other women–and they often come up as my 100% match because we had basic stats in common. I skimmed the site tonight before beginning this article and saw several men I know personally whose profiles certainly look like we’d hit it off, and yet I know about their severe financial issues and mental health issues that aren’t disclosed on these sites, not to mention the ones that are “happily married” at the office, but I know they’re on there. I think I’d be doing well to hit a 80% match with anyone, whether romantic or platonic, but how can I trust I’d find that on a dating site that has so many untruthful profiles?
Of course, the real reason for not finding a satisfactory match online is simple: we’re not an energetic match or we’re “not at the same vibration.” I’m not what they’re looking for and they’re not what I’m looking for. Just being there is trying to force-fit something I don’t want…unless all I want is to socialize with men I have little in common with. The funniest response I ever received was from the guy who said, “If you’re happy enough without me, what are you doing here? The rest of us are looking for somebody to make us happy.” And that, if nothing else explains the “meh” feeling I’ve always had toward online dating.
2. Energy Appropriate, Not Age Appropriate
I was warned in my 20’s and 30’s that if I was ever single after 40, I’d find the pickings really slim. Theoretically, I’m supposed to be dating men who are 50 to 65. Eh. I have nothing in common with men who are retired and that’s the brunt of age-appropriate men. I’m also not particularly attracted to men in this age group, as I find most men don’t take as good care of themselves as women do. On the other hand, I’m not particularly interested in the under-30 crowd anymore. Fun, but too little in common.
One of my male friends said something interesting to me when I complained about my lack of interest in age-appropriate men. He said that they didn’t have to be age appropriate, just energy appropriate. Ooooh, big difference. Yes. On target.
3. Stay Away from Low-Quality Venues & Do What You Love
At a networking event, I ran into a relationship coach or dating coach. I was in a great mood and had just pulled the plug on the last serial dater I’d been seeing when we exchanged pleasantries. It wasn’t a gathering to exchange services but to talk about how different coaches market their services, so no business cards were exchanged. He asked how I’d met my last boyfriend, then launched into some rather good unsolicited advice. He told me that online dating sites are “low quality venues” for finding anything other than casual sex or socializing, particularly for women over 40, though there are success stories out there, due to the volume. He cited the amount of time I might need to spend to get to know someone well enough by email to even meet, let alone date more than 3 or 4 times, which is quite common before moving on to the next choice on the menu.
“How do you want to spend your time?” he asked me. “Talking for weeks to a guy you may never meet? Or you meet and have little in common? Or would you rather be doing something you enjoy doing, even if you’re alone?”
Easy answer. His recommendation was to drop the online dating sites and, really, just drop dating altogether. Go do what you enjoy and that will draw to you the people you’re a match with. He didn’t say an “energetic match” or someone else “vibrating at the same frequency” or anything of that sort. But that’s how it came across to me.
Live your life and enjoy yourself, and people who also love what you love will come into your life . You’ll already have something in common that is important to you both, whether it’s your spirituality or your love of hiking or shared volunteer work or whatever.
Both #2 and #3 above are excellent advice, I think. You have to find a spot in life that you really love being in and love being in it alone. Then other people who love it, too, start to show up in your life, whether they’re long-term relationship material or just fun people to be with and help you expand your horizons. That feels a whole lot better than window shopping through online profiles, and it’s a much better use of time.
There’s so much to do and to be in this world. Nobody’s hobby should ever be “online dating.”