Energy Exchange: The Imperative Need in Any Relationship
Energy exchange. Not a common phrase but fitting. What I need in any relationship is simple: reciprocity. By “relationships,” I mean any relationship–business or personal, romantic or platonic, social or family, employer or employee, inner circle or outer circle. I’ve also called it “emotional support” when I gave lots of nurturing but got little to none in return from my romantic partner…a sad pattern in my life as I’m a natural nurturer. I’ve also referred to it as a balance between myself as an author and my readers who follow me faithfully and support me by buying my books or spreading the word about my website. As I realized while sitting cross-legged on someone’s sofa with smoky curls of incense wafting over his shoulder in the sunlight, the truest term really is “energy exchange.”
Recently, one of my out-of-town friends has become very special–very quickly–to me and has accelerated my spiritual growth enough in a month or so to make up for putting it on hold for most of the last five years. I didn’t realize how much of that part of my life I’d tamped down to be more acceptable to both colleagues and romantic partners in my geographic area because, you know, I scare people away if I’m too upfront with the weird stuff in my life. I don’t hide the “real me,” but I’ve been careful not to flaunt the “real me,” or suffer the consequences of withdrawal of social and professional relationships. He and I have been friends for several years and have shared an empathic link for at least a year or so, but the focus has shifted for us from intense online conversations to face-to-face collaboration on things we need to do together–personal evolution, business development, and spiritual/esoteric expansion. Our friendship is close and deep, but more than a friendship. We are not lovers, and yet our intimacy is at soul level, with barriers down almost immediately. How often does that happen that you see someone at their core–and neither runs? I am learning so much from him! As with my best relationships throughout my life, here’s another one that I can’t easily define. To try would do it a disservice. He is one of a handful of people I’ve known who have spent many lifetimes with me, and whatever we all were to each other else when–brothers in arms, lovers, parent and child, playmates–we carry with us now all those experiences wrapped up in one. We all recognize each other upon first meeting. Not from pictures or past conversations, but from the intense energy exchange between us when we belong to the same “tribe.”
The way I experience this comes to me visually as two humanoid silhouettes of dark and of stars, standing in close proximity and stars shooting out of their forms at each other. Some stars are fast and exploding like fireworks, and others linger in the space between us, floating, joining, taking their time but no less intense. How it feels is…uncommon. In fact, I’d not felt anything remotely as strong with another individual since my friendship with a female energy worker in early 2005. It feels like the molecules in the air around and between you have come alive, working, writhing. There is a silent buzz in the room that I can feel in the same way I might be aware of a silent alarm in a jewelry store that is at a frequency too high for my ears to hear…and yet they do. Sometimes the buzz is in the room; other times between two people. The longer it is sustained, the more it feels that the dial has been turned up a notch, and another. And another. Occasionally, it’s accompanied by heat in the air, the kind one might feel during Reiki or a ritual or, I’ve been told, during a hot flash. But it’s a buzz that rises in me to my throat and feels like, under awful circumstance, it might be anxiety. It’s electric.
It’s addictive. I could spend hours in it and not want to leave. Afterward, it’s like I’ve just curled up in the afterglow with a lover. I could snuggle down in sheets and purr! Just breath-taking, relaxing, and at one with the Universe as well as the other person. Tranquility.
All this struck me when I was sitting on my friend’s sofa with him, the two of us excitedly discussing plans for a project. We were both cross-legged, facing each other, about two feet apart, unwittingly reflecting each other’s posture when I noticed the surge of heat in the air between us. The buzz of energy dialed up from 0 to 10 in a few seconds. It was so strong that I had to interrupt him to see if he’d noticed the amped up energy. I realized immediately that the way we were sitting, facing each other, was creating a physical circuit of energy. I’ve experienced this before when working with the previously mentioned energy worker in 2005, when we used a Ouija board in our work and created a circuit by sitting cross-legged, knees touching, fingers touching. I’ve done this in ritual with an ex-boyfriend who was a neophyte but quite psychic. What I’ve found from this type of physical circuit created by touching or nearly touching and creating that vortex of energy between the two participants, is that it’s excellent for manifesting your joint goals. Let’s see if what we were talking about then comes to fruition quickly! It was like creating a fireball between us and letting our intentions be released with it.
Energy circuit. Energy exchange. Balance.
When I left, I had a lot to ponder about a lot of things. One of the things I realized that afternoon was how much I fear getting into the wrong relationship again and having yet another man try to control me. Or contain me. I can walk through life alone just fine and enjoy the solitude with an occasional friend, but I would like to have a partner who loves me enough to envelope me in his light and yet not do his damnedest to contain me or change me into something that accessorizes his life in a more socially pleasing way. For as much personal power as I may have amassed in this lifetime, I still have that fragility of not wanting to be hurt or rejected yet again for who I am on the inside. Or worse: squelched. I can’t lose myself again.
I stopped along the way home and emailed myself a note under the header Thought. I couldn’t stop thinking about energy exchange and how rare that is, especially if it’s done consciously with a partner (of any variety). I’m at that point in my life where I don’t really expect to have the life partner I’ve always wanted. It just seems…impossible…at this stage of life when I look around my community. My “competition”–and I loathe the idea of competing for a man and will…not…do…it –for a life partner isn’t just women my age but women who are 40, 30, even 20, while I’m rarely finding any man of 45 or 50 to be appealing and I have nothing in common with retired men over 50, let alone the usual 70-year-olds who think I’m the bee’s knees. For men looking for a partner, there will always be someone younger, someone prettier, someone thinner, and too many of my potential partners are openly focused only on physical attraction. For the handful of men who aren’t that shallow, they usually flee once they get a glimpse of my spiritual beliefs. They don’t understand them, they don’t want to find out, and they want me to be something I’m not. My beliefs are too important to me to abandon so I can get laid nightly or have someone to share my dinner table every night, so long-term relationships don’t seem to be in the cards for me. At least not unless I’m willing to accept table scraps. Say what I feel? Out the door. Allow them to open a door to confess they saw a grandparent’s ghost as child (frequent) and see that as an opening to admit I’ve seen things that few people have, and I’m left with the door swinging on the hinges. The first time I mention any of my esoteric experiences, it’s the last time–with a few exceptions–that I see the guy. And in a way, that’s okay because I don’t want to share space and air with another man who doesn’t get me. I have no desire to have my beliefs in reincarnation or empathic connections ridiculed. I’ve lived it, I’ve journaled it, I’ve had it corroborated, I know.
When I arrived at home, I opened my email to find the notes I’d sent myself. I’m a gadget geek and my brain is too full to remember everything I have going on unless I catch flitting thoughts in my technological butterfly net. When I searched for the email entitled Thought, another email was second on the page, and my heart sank when it appeared. It was an old email I’d sent someone in a moment of trying to explain why I felt so depressed and lonely. I was pouring out my heart to him to lower his walls, let me see inside him as I’d let him see inside me. He craved my emotions but packed his own tightly away. I gave him all the attention he demanded but he compartmentalized me. None of that was the reason I broke up with him–not directly anyhow–but it was the reason our relationship was often disappointing to me. I guess it was good to find the note and be reminded that things weren’t as good as I’d like to remember. There was an exchange of energy but it was never enough. Only a trickle from him, often, and occasionally a firehose. But the exchange of energy between us was not consistent. Of course, the same is true for most any of my past relationships. An equitable exchange of energy was rare or short-lived, and we would quickly get out of balance, fight and re-balance, then get lopsided again.
I don’t find energy exchange difficult in most areas of my life. In business, I know the people who work for me bust their asses and I’d do anything for them. If a colleague is a taker, lies to me, never gives back, or hurts me in return, I’ll either cut off their flow of energy or I’ll give them one last blast they won’t enjoy. In friendships, if they’re never around when I’m the one who needs a shoulder to cry on, I back off to match their flow of energy, if the friendship remains at all. In sexual relationships, if the guy can’t match my passion in bed, then out the door he goes.
The one place that eludes me is the most complex, and that’s in any relationship that could turn into a life partner. Maybe it’s because of all the different ways energy can flow, so many different circuits. It’s not just love, not just friendship, not just sex, not just sharing space and air. It’s a relationship that’s fulfilling on most if not all levels, with no blockages of energy, and the ability to both expose and accept each other at their deepest, darkest core. I’m not sure if that’s something that will ever be possible for me, as I would have to have the other person to complete the circuit, to give back as much as I can give. But I think I understand how it works.
Energy that does not flow both ways leads to energy that is resented in the giving, for if all you do is give energy, there’s soon nothing left. The well must be replenished. In more complex relationships, energy must be exchanged and in balance to endure. The electrical circuit must flow. It’s the energy that is the life of the relationship.