Things I Taught My Daughters on Mother’s Day

Copyrighted by Lorna Tedder. Originally published in Third Degree and Rising.

The three things I taught my daughters on Mother’s Day, 2007:

1. How to disrobe: Driving down the highway, unbuckling the bra with one hand, pulling it off and tossing it into the back seat while singing, “I’m free, I’m free.”

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2. How to get a waitress—fast: Looking up at the silent TV in a restaurant on Mother’s Day evening and seeing that it’s on the—gasp!—medical channel and we’re watching bloody baby surgery in the middle of dinner.

3. How to make a man laugh so hard he swallows his tongue: Removing items from our grocery cart at Publix while waiting for the guy in front of us to check out and us commenting on the latest “Paris Hilton’s Prison Hell” tabloid story, with my daughter mentioning the sub-headline about “lesbian gangs” and me wondering if Paris will videotape that, too.