Origins of Doubt
Copyrighted by Lorna Tedder. Originally published in Passion to the Third Degree .
I’m having a moment of doubt, and I’m not sure what the origin is. What I’m worried the origin is is money. That’s why I have to be absolutely sure before I make any decisions.
The issue? It’s a lot of money.
Yes, it’s an investment in myself, yadda yadda. There are other investments I could make with the same amount of money. I could have my body upgraded for this amount, or at least the parts I’d want…refurbished. I could have new carpet in the whole house. I could take the girls to Europe for several weeks. I could take off for a couple of months and frolic on the beach while writing full-time. I could turn the back yard into fountains and gardens galore. I could hire a SWAT team to hose down the neighbor who brings her dog to poop in my yard on a daily basis. I could hire an MBA in India to run an Internet-based business for me full-time for 6 months. I could pay my water bill.
I don’t want my decision to be based on money. Certification training assumes you’re brand new to the game, and I’m not. So it’s a matter of weighing time and money right now against what I would gain by completing this particular program.
I’ve been certified in other career fields (CACM certification through the National Contract Manager’s Association, NCMA, along with the many, many hours of time and money I sank into it, and other than the couple of promotion points it gave me, big whoop. Yes, beneficial to improve my then-current position but it didn’t make me any better at what I did, and I was eventually disgusted enough with the certifying group that I burned the certificate and quit the group. That experience may be influencing me now.
Or maybe it’s wondering if there’ll be an equal exchange. There are definitely things I can bring to my fellow trainees and to the program. That often happens. Another pattern. I will participate and pay for training and end up being a trainer myself, given specific skills I have. It’s rare that I simply pay my money for tuition. Will I get back more than I give?
Because I want to get back more than I give, for a change. I really do. I’ll settle for getting back as much as I give. And that’s true in so many areas in my life right now.
My intuition is a bit twisty on which path to take at the moment, and I need to let it settle down so that I can figure out if it’s my inner miser rebelling against the cost or if it’s a stronger flag for me to notice. The problem with intuition is that it comes (to me) at the third chakra level, the same place as self-esteem, control, and ownership. If any of the other children of this particular energy center scream loudly enough, I sometimes do not hear my intuition.
I’ll just have to wait until everything quiets before I decide my next step.
nice post. thanks.