I Am So Fucked but Let Me Document It Lest I Forget or Don’t Believe It Later

Copyrighted by Lorna Tedder. Originally published in Passion to the Third Degree .

Is it going to be like this with every man I form a connection with? And I’m not talking about sex. This did happen with my no-sex-but-really-wanted-to guy and did not happen, for example, with the boy I was with a while back. Go figure.

I’ll try to focus more on the empath part than the what-the-fuck-is-wrong-with-you-Ten-of-Pents part because that’s the more important thing in the long run.

Since my divorce and since realizing my talent/curse of empathy, I’ve formed energetic connections with two men now. With the Treat, it was instant and I felt it from the moment I laid eyes on him but it wasn’t until years later when we were both single that it hit us both and he just reached out (energetically and emotionally) and latched on…and still is, regardless of various releasing rituals. He re-attaches. I let him. He’s sad and remote right now but I feel him still, especially his regret.

With the Ten of Pents, it was nice conversation and then dinner and then, I’d say, about 3 days after our first date, I started feeling his energy all around me. Note that I hadn’t connected with him yet. He’s still not responding to me and I’ve told him basically thanks for the good times, I’m confused by his sudden remoteness after he was so smitten, but I’m glad we met. (There were some real psychological and physical “gifts” I got out of our brief time together if nothing else, and I’ve shared only the more obvious ones with you.)

When I say the Ten of Pents is not responding, that sounds like I’ve sent him a ton of messages. I haven’t. I chose not to call him because his kids have been with him at night and that’s a mess—and he’s with patients during the day. I answered his last text message back. Sent one a few days later to see if he was okay (he didn’t feel okay). Emailed him this morning, which he read tonight. However, since he went “remote,” I’ve been feeling him energetically and very aware of it. Very. I’m having no doubts at all that his adoration and feelings were quite real. Here’s how this came about:

When I was all he could think about after our first date, I had problems sleeping. I could literally feel his energy all around me, his thoughts, his desires, all swirling. I’d thought that was just with The Treat, so it surprised me and I didn’t realize for a day or two what it was. I could feel the yearning and thoughts…which is troublesome sometimes when you date urgent care doctors who have lots of shit in their heads about their day. He confessed he was having a hard time concentrating at his paperwork for thinking about me. I know. I could feel it. We would talk for several hours every night, often until well after midnight, and I could feel when he fell asleep later because the swirl calmed down. This was confirmed sometimes through text messages he sent in the middle of the night when my phone was on silent—to let me know he was still awake and thinking of me.

I could tell that he was connecting to me but I didn’t really connect with him until last Friday, which is when I really began to recognize the feel of his energy from a distance of a few miles away and allowed myself to connect. This was in no way a binding. Just allowing a two-way connection—big step for me.

I could feel the Ten of Pents’ anxiety, too, with his ex, but more so in person than over a distance. Over a distance, the energies I felt were connected to me and his thoughts of me. Very interesting to note this.

While he was at his vacation home 2 hours away and I was here, I could feel his yearning and his desire to cut his trip short and return to see me…which he confessed to me later (nice validation of that intuition thing). I could feel his excitement about being back in town on Monday, also evident in his text messages. Then the uh-oh of an upset with his kids and re-arranging plans.

I felt his awkwardness acutely at the movies, but I attributed that to being nervous in front of the kids. Monday night, after we left the theatre and went separate ways with our kids, I could feel his withdrawal.

This is worth noting. He still sent a couple of messages that night, but I could feel a withdrawal, anxiety, uneasiness, antsiness long before there was any indication via lack of communication that he was shutting himself down. I’d already told him I had chores to do Monday night with the girls so his not calling that night was as I’d expected it to be previously. But I felt his energy go wonky long before he didn’t call or answer my message on the next night.

I sent the are-you-okay text message 2 nights ago and felt him read it about 2 minutes later. Heatwave to the face. Energetic flush. Flashed on him reading over my messages, looking at my pics, at stuff I’d left with him.

I sent the well-okay-then email this morning before heading to work…I felthim read it around. Heatwave in my face and prickly feeling at my brow. No, this is not menopausal. I’m familiar with the sensation of energetic connections.

Tonight, I was about to take a nap when I suddenly knew he was logging on to check his messages and looking at a pic I’d sent him. I felt him read my message. I got up and went to check and while I felt him read it, his email service popped up a receipt as usual.

Now about the energy I’m feeling from him. It’s much like with The Treat. I could feel attention, exuberance, euphoria, and since after the movie, anxiety, despair, turmoil. I can feel him right now—knots in his stomach. He connects me to some long-protected feelings from childhood/teen years that he’s been able to avoid and he can’t do that with me. Though he hasn’t put that together yet. He’s trying to avoid the intensity of his feelings by disconnecting. Only I can feel that he’s squirming and fretting in silence.

So interesting lessons from this.

1. Sex or lack thereof has nothing to do with these energetic connections or their magnitude.
2. They can be formed rather quickly (a matter of a few days or less).
3. Most common amplifier of the connection? Very deep, open, honest conversation. No touching required except at soul level.
4. They can be felt at great distances—I know I’ve felt them several thousand miles away—and repeatedly feel The Treat 400 miles away, though not as strongly as when he lived here.
5. The emotions—whether euphoric or anxious—are related to their thoughts of me and/or focus on me. Occasionally, I can feel major emotional events that don’t necessarily have to do with me—like knowing something was terribly wrong when The Treat left here suddenly or got into trouble. It’s possible he was thinking of me then, but I’ve felt bad things with family members and they weren’t necessarily thinking of me. Those are unusual though. Most of the euphoria with The Treat was when he received my messages (physically confirmed), so there was a direct connection or energy flow between us then, or when he screwed up with me and I could feel his nausea. So a person I’m connected to may feel my upsets/euphoria and vice versa but usually only when it’s rather severe. Shannon, for example, will often know when I’m upset but it’s not her that’s upset me and I’m not focusing on her in relation to the upset.
6. Validation of these energetic connections through verbal comments, email receipts, text messages, etc, is oh-so-nice to have.
7. As noted with both the Ten of Pents and The Treat, the closer the connection is geographically, the stronger it is. I’ve felt The Treat within a few miles of me and ditto the Ten of Pents, who since we started dating moved to 2 or 3 miles away. I’ve definitely felt him at his condo. I’ve had some similar geographical increases with other people who’ve come to this area and I could feel their energy physically closer—a clue that they were in town.
8. The energetic sensation is very similar though in somewhat different areas of the body— still a flush of heat in or around a particular chakra. There’s almost a signature effect. The Treat was most often in the 3rd, 4th, 5th chakras but sometimes more. I used to feel my former High Priestess in my brow, like she was sitting on my head. The Thing from Jennifucker burns my arms and head but I can feel it elsewhere at times, too—it’s been banished now that I know what it is. AngelSu, I feel look a cascade down my seventh and sixth chakras. With the Ten of Pents, it’s more in my temples and an area of my face that he was constantly stroking.

So those are the lessons I’ve gleaned. I won’t try to release the Ten of Pents yet because I want to see what’s going on and even though I consider his silence quite rude and annoying, I know there’s something soon to be revealed and I want to know what. Okay, that and for all the feeling terrible he’s done this week and for the fact that right now I can feel his palms on my cheeks just like a week ago at this moment…yeah. I guess I’d like to know if he can feel me, too.

I think there are some more lessons to come.

Fuck.