Doing the Crab-Walk
Copyrighted by Lorna Tedder. Originally published in Third Degree and Rising.
I am crab-walking this year. Itâ€™s okayâ€”Iâ€™m resigned to it. Itâ€™s only temporary, and the worst of it will be done in six months.
So much good is happening for me now, especially on an internal level, and yet thereâ€™s a frustration about this year that sometimes really irritates me, and itâ€™s mostly on the external level. Iâ€™m trying new things, focusing on honing some specifics, increasing my specialized education and training, doing a lot of what feels like preparation work for the next year. Because I know that 2008 is going to be a year of huge changes, especially in the relationship and career areas, and then life changes drastically for me in 2009. Thereâ€™s a lot of experimentation thatâ€™s going into this year, and with that comes a scattering of forces but the experimentation is necessary to make sure Iâ€™m prepared for the next couple of years as I settle into a whole new way of living that should be very different but very fulfilling.
That doesnâ€™t stop me from being annoyed right now. My sexuality, for example, is experiencing a renaissance, mainly in mindset, but Iâ€™ve painted no masterpieces yet and most of the canvases are bleak. Itâ€™s like I can date and experiment, but I know none of these relationships are anything more than flitting or educational. There are no deep bonds formingâ€”and for that matter, no one Iâ€™m seriously attracted to. I find the idea of shallow bonds to be unfulfilling and the idea that none of these men yet are right for me in a deeper relationship hinders my interest in them even for flitting and educational. I know something deep and enduring is on the horizon, but whatever it is, I canâ€™t have it just yet. It feels so close, but something has to happen first, and Iâ€™m not sure what. Whatever it is will unfold in its time. This year, again, has a lot to do with re-assessing my values and ethics of relating.
Career goals are much the same way. Itâ€™s all prepping and experimenting and finding out what works. That and understanding my worth and the worth of what I do, and that I should be paid well for it. Iâ€™d love to quit today and launch my new career tomorrow, but part of this year is about being more conservative with my finances and more structured in my budgetingâ€”both of which are doing well so far.
So this year is more â€œpulled in,â€ more restricted and structured, and to some degree that feels oppressive on the external while Iâ€™m freer and more serene on the internal. I guess every time I think about this year and the next couple, I see a few metaphoric visions.
Much of this yearâ€”at least until Autumnâ€”I am in a back-bend posture. The ground is dirt, dry and cool. Iâ€™m under a house, an old white, clapboard house. I can see the floor of the house from underneathâ€”and itâ€™s right in my faceâ€¦at my nose. Iâ€™m aware of bright sunlight on the periphery, seeping under the house. I cannot change positions until Iâ€™m out from under the house. I can move sideways and only sideways before I can see whatâ€™s there. I cannot move forward or backward. I cannot see directly in front of me. All I can do is keep scurrying back and forth, hitting on different things to find out the structure of this house and never knowing when I might pop out from under the side into bright daylight.
The vision for 2008 is much brighter, though I canâ€™t see it as clearly yet. Iâ€™m standing on a boat, wind in my hair. Sunshine and clouds and so tranquil and exciting at the same time. Sails flap above me as I hold onto a vertical rope and smile into the horizon. A man pilots the boat, and itâ€™s the two of us. I donâ€™t see him, but I know someone else is steering while Iâ€™m relishing, and whoever he is, the bond is blessed.
In 2009, itâ€™s more of a struggle with emotionally intense moments and loving arms holding me. Iâ€™m more restricted in some waysâ€”Physically? Geographically?â€”but I am very loved. Thereâ€™s too much that can happen between now and that future, and I know the next year after is much brighter.
For now I know there will be plenty enough emotion and passion in the next few years to make up for the crab-walk Iâ€™m contending with now.