Doing the Crab-Walk
Copyrighted by Lorna Tedder. Originally published in Third Degree and Rising.
I am crab-walking this year. It’s okay—I’m resigned to it. It’s only temporary, and the worst of it will be done in six months.
So much good is happening for me now, especially on an internal level, and yet there’s a frustration about this year that sometimes really irritates me, and it’s mostly on the external level. I’m trying new things, focusing on honing some specifics, increasing my specialized education and training, doing a lot of what feels like preparation work for the next year. Because I know that 2008 is going to be a year of huge changes, especially in the relationship and career areas, and then life changes drastically for me in 2009. There’s a lot of experimentation that’s going into this year, and with that comes a scattering of forces but the experimentation is necessary to make sure I’m prepared for the next couple of years as I settle into a whole new way of living that should be very different but very fulfilling.
That doesn’t stop me from being annoyed right now. My sexuality, for example, is experiencing a renaissance, mainly in mindset, but I’ve painted no masterpieces yet and most of the canvases are bleak. It’s like I can date and experiment, but I know none of these relationships are anything more than flitting or educational. There are no deep bonds forming—and for that matter, no one I’m seriously attracted to. I find the idea of shallow bonds to be unfulfilling and the idea that none of these men yet are right for me in a deeper relationship hinders my interest in them even for flitting and educational. I know something deep and enduring is on the horizon, but whatever it is, I can’t have it just yet. It feels so close, but something has to happen first, and I’m not sure what. Whatever it is will unfold in its time. This year, again, has a lot to do with re-assessing my values and ethics of relating.
Career goals are much the same way. It’s all prepping and experimenting and finding out what works. That and understanding my worth and the worth of what I do, and that I should be paid well for it. I’d love to quit today and launch my new career tomorrow, but part of this year is about being more conservative with my finances and more structured in my budgeting—both of which are doing well so far.
So this year is more “pulled in,” more restricted and structured, and to some degree that feels oppressive on the external while I’m freer and more serene on the internal. I guess every time I think about this year and the next couple, I see a few metaphoric visions.
Much of this year—at least until Autumn—I am in a back-bend posture. The ground is dirt, dry and cool. I’m under a house, an old white, clapboard house. I can see the floor of the house from underneath—and it’s right in my face…at my nose. I’m aware of bright sunlight on the periphery, seeping under the house. I cannot change positions until I’m out from under the house. I can move sideways and only sideways before I can see what’s there. I cannot move forward or backward. I cannot see directly in front of me. All I can do is keep scurrying back and forth, hitting on different things to find out the structure of this house and never knowing when I might pop out from under the side into bright daylight.
The vision for 2008 is much brighter, though I can’t see it as clearly yet. I’m standing on a boat, wind in my hair. Sunshine and clouds and so tranquil and exciting at the same time. Sails flap above me as I hold onto a vertical rope and smile into the horizon. A man pilots the boat, and it’s the two of us. I don’t see him, but I know someone else is steering while I’m relishing, and whoever he is, the bond is blessed.
In 2009, it’s more of a struggle with emotionally intense moments and loving arms holding me. I’m more restricted in some ways—Physically? Geographically?—but I am very loved. There’s too much that can happen between now and that future, and I know the next year after is much brighter.
For now I know there will be plenty enough emotion and passion in the next few years to make up for the crab-walk I’m contending with now.