Better Her Than Me!

Copyrighted by Lorna Tedder. Originally published in Third Degree and Rising.

A close friend of mine in North Alabama has just turned 30, and her mother is desperate to find her a man. Any man. Better her than me! Apparently, if my friend doesn’t find a man within the next 6 months, she’ll be ripe for a life of loneliness and eternal damnation…unlike her mother who is soooooo happy, pardon the sarcasm. My friend isn’t lonely by any means—her independence is not synonymous with isolation.

But, of course, her always-married mom can’t understand why a daughter isn’t as miserable as she’s been and has signed my friend up for a couple of online dating services because anything’s better than nothing and the blind dates aren’t working.

Knowing my friend, I have to laugh because this is where the fun begins. With her posting some outlandish pics and a profile designed to scare away the most obsessed online date.

Yes, I checked out her public profile and got a laugh. But one thing we’ve found very interesting in our discussions of the site she’s on has to do with the men’s pictures, mostly, and the nicknames second.

Our findings?

– “Recent” pictures really should defined by the number of years or the dates the photos were taken. Between the graininess of the photo and the mullet the guy is sporting, we just don’t believe it was taken last Christmas. Or least (shudder), we hope not.

– A close-up photo of his drippy and droopy appendages is not a turn-on. Unless any man will do. But it’s a huge source of amusement because apparently that’s what guys want to look at and think the women do, too. Yawn. Ya seen one, ya seen ‘em all. But are your eyes pretty?

– Guys who list a dozen “testimonials” or “friends” or “references” just look like man-whores.

– The backgrounds in these pics are shocking. What, is that you in front of a mirror in your mom’s basement? What’s with the dirty dishes and clutter on your nightstand and dresser in your bedroom? Yeah, we may have to deal with that eventually in a relationship with you, but thanks for advertising it upfront. How romantical.

– Nicknames are often ridiculous. I’m not sure which is worse: ImSOLonelyICouldDieSoLadyImBeggingYouPleasePickMeCuzINeedSumLovin or HeresAJackHammaPowerTool4YaBitchSoLetsJustDoItNowBaby.