Copyrighted by Lorna Tedder. Originally published in Love in the Third Degree.
I’ve started eating again…a little, at least. It’s hard to break the cycle of nausea that just won’t go away. Still, it’s progress, however slow.
But today I had half a fountain coke and half a sweet tea, a third of a tasteless Wendy’s burger, and…a bite of a bland chocolate chip cookie that was part of a bribe someone gave me thinking they might persuade me to review their work sooner. Someone else brought a carrot cake if I’d just finish their review today. I couldn’t even look at the cake but I did finish their review. Silly people think a cake’s going to draw my attention to a $100M file sooner than normal, but sweet of them still.
Aislinn wanted to cook tonight but I cannot stand the smell of food right now. I’m going to try for some pasta later. So anyway…I’ve lost those few pounds I gained over the autumn. When I get my stamina back up a bit, I’ll hit the treadmill again.
I am focusing on the positive and trying to form a structure out of the chaos. I need to make sense of things. I’m a person who needs a plan. There’s only so long I can be in freefall.
It helped to talk to Yoda last night. It was part of our regularly scheduled career counseling session and I was worried that there wasn’t much I’d be able to devote, given my recent lack of motivation and inspiration, not to mention the lack of sleep. But it was a productive two hours for me.
As Yoda pointed out, not everything has ended. Not everything is a done deal.
One of the more useful things I walked away with was realizing that all my strategies for life are still in place. Yes, it’s all a jumble for me to work through right now and the emotions are wicked, but the goals in my life shift and career transition are still valid, still there. Some of the pressure to achieve them more quickly is off but they are still part of the path and the path is still a good one.
My third chakra is settling down a bit and I’m starting to get more flashes of intuition, though I’m still analyzing everything. Yoda asked what would happen if I didn’t analyze and I said I’d implode. It’s my nature. It’s what I do. It’s how I give things structure so I can see if the next step is a good one or if I’m going down head over heels again. So the analysis will continue, far more so than anyone will see. But at least my third chakra is on a more even keel… and some things, I’m starting to “know” again after all my cards got tossed into the air.
The oddest thing about my intuition is that it tells me much of what I’d been seeing is still coming. That’s a surprise, and I don’t know what to make of it. I’m keeping my “allow miracles” attitude and just pushing through.
I’m still alive, still fearsome in my intentions, still a force to be reckoned with if you piss me off. It’s slow progress, but I move forward.