Copyrighted by Lorna Tedder. Originally published in Love in the Third Degree.
Stayed home today. Mostly sleeping or not sleeping. The Ether is so active right now, trying to help, and it’s a jumble. I got a good 3 hours’ of sleep before Shannon left for school and I woke and it’s been fretful sleep ever since. Don’t remember my dreams, just that they’re so active right now.
I wish I could bury myself in my work. I’d at least feel productive. But I’m either too emotional or too unmotivated at the moment. Many of the things I’ve been working toward just had a major adjustment to make and I haven’t landed on my feet yet. Still in free-fall trying to figure out how I feel. I’m like one of those little people falling out of the lightning-struck building on the Tower Card.
I hate being told how strong I am and how amazing I am and how I don’t need rescuing and then watch the person who tells me this turn around and launch a rescue of immense proportions because it’s the right thing to do and I understand the logic of it but the emotions are wicked. There’s a deep sense of hurt and yet a sense of pride at the same time but the hurt outweighs the pride right now and if the mix were switched, I could work with it so much better. A little hurt and a lot of pride would be so much easier.
I hate the sudden doubts about so many things I knew earlier this week to be true. I still, at soul level, know them to be true, but my mind is high in self-sabotage right now. And it’s impossible to manifest the things I want when I’m feeling this way and this feeling has to work its way through. Shannon is stepping in to help, which is good because I don’t want my feelings to push away good things right now but they’re just so volatile.
I want to release this but I’m told not to. I’m told to work through it and trust. Hell, trust in what? I’m told that it’s part of understanding life on a different level, a higher spiritual level. I’m told it’s part of understanding love and it’s about new lessons for me that I’m being taught and that I’ll teach. I don’t like these lessons. I’m being taught compassion (again, more, deeper level) and it’s hard, hard, hard.
I don’t know if I dare write fiction now. This entire situation is waaaaaaay too close to an outlandish one I wrote in a book I’m almost done with. And I wrote this part almost a year ago but didn’t finish the rest of the book. Just set it aside. It’s the kind of scenario that editors will tell you isn’t plausible, that it just doesn’t happen, and yet, right down to location and situation, that’s what’s occurred.
I’m looking forward to Shannon getting home from college today so we can talk through this some more. Her positive attitude is wonderful and something I really need at the moment. She doesn’t see this as bad—not in her generation—or as anything that will change things long-term. Just a course adjustment. She’s one of only 2 people I’m talking with in-depth, and both are very supportive and big-picture oriented. And both understand completely the logical reasons for this rescue that’s affecting me so harshly. Neither are condemning the situation, though they both know how hurtful it is. I don’t dare explain the issues to anyone else—they’d simply feed all my darker emotions right now with their own judgment of the situation.
This is a crazy situation, but if you know the people involved, it’s not out of character at all. Not expected. Not the norm. That doesn’t make it any better right now.
I’m told repeatedly that this was unexpected but will not be a big deal in the long run, that it’s short-term issue and I’m to take care of myself meanwhile and meet all those big deadlines I have out there in the next couple of months. When I can get some motivation back, I will.