Discovery

Copyrighted by Lorna Tedder. Originally published in Love in the Third Degree.

It’s near midnight and I’ve been driving myself crazy looking for one smidgen of paper that has a number on it that I need to finish royalty statements. I had it on my desk three weeks ago when I was wrapping up the royalty statements (early, hahahahahaha)but because a reporter was dropping by to interview me, I didn’t think it was appropriate to have confidential financial information on my table. So I put the papers in a box…and now the smidgen of paper is missing.

So my assistant has been going through all the files all day, looking for it. I looked for it all weekend. Still, nothing.

Tonight, I emptied a supply closet of papers onto the floor in search of it. Alas, my nice, clean office! These were papers that had been filed away for particular reasons, and ones I needed to keep. Two of them, several years old, I would have thrown out but they’d been misfiled. I don’t know why, except that I needed to read them tonight and I never would have found them when I most needed them had I not been looking for something else that had vanished without obvious reason.

I mean, I desperately needed to read these two papers. They’ve gone a long way tonight toward accepting my losses and realizing what loss is and what it isn’t and what things will always be there, even though it’s not defined through normal parameters. These brought closure for some old relationships and big steps toward closure for other relationships that are gone. Or are they? I mean, even when people die…. On a spiritual level, a soul level where we live lifetime after lifetime, are they ever really gone? There are lessons in this that I understand now but cannot share. They are too intensely personal and they are, I know, for me alone.

The first of the two papers I found tonight was an extensive research paper (by someone else) on Uranian relationships and unconditional love, with many snippets of wisdom, including that the best way to receive unconditional love is to send it and practice it yourself. I knew that already, but it meant something even more profound tonight. There were other conclusions in this file that I’d read before but had forgotten, including the healing nature of certain relationships, the eternal nature of certain ones, the soul connections that are deeper than anything our society defines. There was also a very clear point made that I tend to be the one who gives off the Uranian energy so for as intense as relationships are for me, they’re more so for the other person in that kind of relationship, even if the rest of the world doesn’t see it. That’s sort of hard for me to believe, I guess, at least until I see it pointed out time and again and recognize the markers. Uranian energy operates at a different level. It’s doesn’t transform the other person—it’s about giving the other freedom and love at the same time, and I think that’s a terribly hard thing for most humans to do.

The other paper was the back of a legal document I’d had at my desk several years ago while talking to someone on the phone. The conversation had been heated, though I couldn’t understand why. The other person had been agitated, for that person’s own reasons that had nothing to do with me, it later turned out, but they were explaining something to me that I didn’t really want to hear and couldn’t understand and I was trying to but they were so angry about…something. I was scribbling notes during the conversation to keep from breaking my pen in half, and tonight I read those notes for the first time. There was something important said, something vital to me. I missed it at the time but kept the paper because of the legal info on the other side. I heard the words, but I missed the wisdom. And I missed it because the other person was stressed and delivered this information in such a hateful way that I shut it down, shut it out. Now I understand it, reading it as words on paper and not as loud vocal inflections deriding anyone who increased this person’s stress. It’s important information that helps to answer many of my recent questions.

So I’m in a little better place as far as getting back on my feet and getting some structure back into my life and being able to work through the ravages of too much loss too fast. I’m done looking for that little smidgen of paper I need to finish royalties, but now that I’ve found these other things I needed to read, perhaps that paper will be free to come out of its hiding place.