This Is Why
Copyrighted by Lorna Tedder. Originally published in Third Degree Below.
In grievingÂ situations, Â you always play out the same scenes in your head over and over, turn it all over, analyze it, and â€”as Daddy used to Â sayâ€”â€talk it to death.â€ But that IS part of the process, whether itâ€™s a death, divorce, or some other personal catastrophe.
Late yesterday afternoon, I was still at work and struggling with an intensely heavy feeling. It was to be a busy week: an emergency Â turn-around review for a big weapons program, a second emergency turn-around review on a different program, Â and acquisition Â strategy Â panel Â and risk assessment, Â and then, on top of all that, the brand new $600M TEAS contract just got a GAO protest so I was helping my team with that as my day ended.
The heaviness got worse toward the end of the day. Just weighing down on me like dark emotions that werenâ€™t mine. In spite of the frantic work week, I still had a good mindset. Before I left work, I Â started checking in with various loved ones to see if they were okay, but my cell phone battery went low so I made a last call to the girls to let Â them know I was on my way home. Aislinn was planning something with her dad and so I decided to take Shannon to dinner and try to talk through the heaviness I felt.
At home, Shannon was having the same problem. The past few hours of it. Heaviness around us.
Weâ€™d Â just Â arrived Â at Â the Â restaurant Â when Â Aislinn called. Sheâ€™d had a funny feeling and a pain in her chest and Â hadÂ decided Â to Â call Â my Â mom Â in Â Georgia Â â€œjust Â to check up on her.â€ A Â neighbor answered the phone and told her my parents Â had gone to the Â emergency Â room. For all his health problems, it was, officially, a heart attack that ended it.
Sometimes people ask why I donâ€™t shield more so that I donâ€™t pick up certain feelings. This is why.